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I'm not living, I'm just killing time.

So I'm done packing. I successfully got everything finished about an hour or two ago, after which I decided to attempt to get some rest before tomorrow. Instead I just found myself lying in bed crying for a reason I can't even pin down. I have no real reason to be upset, not a viable one anyway. So I miss Matt, yeah, we've been through that already. So I hate this town, same old same old. Maybe it's just the act of packing... something about it makes me feel alone.

I feel really weird after the Cody thing. I met Steph tonight, the girl his mom wants him to get with. She's thinking about coming up to the U of M next year. She's leaving for Cancun in the morning. I felt jealous when I saw her, I dont know why. Even after he told me he doesn't want her, he wants me, misses me, whatever. I dont even know why really, it's not like I think or thought I was going to marry Cody or anything. The prospect of being with him for summer yeah, seems kind of nice. Maybe that felt threatened, I guess... Maybe it's just a lapse into human instincts, natural law of protection. He was really distant when he hugged her. When he hugs me he puts all of himself against all of me, no distance, a true embrace. I dont know why but I want one right now. I want to know that no matter what, he and I will always be close. I want reassurance that I'm not alone. For some reason I feel this immense void and I can't melt the ice shards in my stomach that are keeping me awake.

I want to see Matt so badly. I want to look into his intelligent sad eyes and see them sparkle. I want to throw my arms around his neck and have him pick me up, spin me in a circle while he gives me a little peck on the neck. I want to see his expression, and find out what seeing me again would mean to him. To me, it'd be like waking up on a summer's day in my cabin on the lake after spending years in solid winter.

I want someone to hold me while I cry. Maybe then I wouldnt feel so...

pitiful.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
soliloquy1st
Mar. 20th, 2004 01:54 am (UTC)
If you had an available AIM name I'd provide distraction... but you don't.
virtuistic
Mar. 20th, 2004 01:55 am (UTC)
oh ho ho
but i do... i just dont have aol on this computer anymore. i can start up express though? it's a little slower but ? I'm ThpethalK ...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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