I feel really weird after the Cody thing. I met Steph tonight, the girl his mom wants him to get with. She's thinking about coming up to the U of M next year. She's leaving for Cancun in the morning. I felt jealous when I saw her, I dont know why. Even after he told me he doesn't want her, he wants me, misses me, whatever. I dont even know why really, it's not like I think or thought I was going to marry Cody or anything. The prospect of being with him for summer yeah, seems kind of nice. Maybe that felt threatened, I guess... Maybe it's just a lapse into human instincts, natural law of protection. He was really distant when he hugged her. When he hugs me he puts all of himself against all of me, no distance, a true embrace. I dont know why but I want one right now. I want to know that no matter what, he and I will always be close. I want reassurance that I'm not alone. For some reason I feel this immense void and I can't melt the ice shards in my stomach that are keeping me awake.
I want to see Matt so badly. I want to look into his intelligent sad eyes and see them sparkle. I want to throw my arms around his neck and have him pick me up, spin me in a circle while he gives me a little peck on the neck. I want to see his expression, and find out what seeing me again would mean to him. To me, it'd be like waking up on a summer's day in my cabin on the lake after spending years in solid winter.
I want someone to hold me while I cry. Maybe then I wouldnt feel so...