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Who the fuck am I trying to kid? I miss Matt so ... fucking ... much. I can't stop crying. I spent the whole day with my family and it just dawned on me that he's always been the one to save me, to get me out. I have just been thinking about all the times, all the time I took for granted and thought would always be here and now he's gone. He's really gone. I feel so abandoned, and I know I'm not and I know that isn't what he'd want me to think or feel, but I feel completely alone. I'd rather be up at the U, fighting with the weather and my surroundings than down here acknowledging that he's really gone. It hit me hard when we were driving home, and I thought of all the thousands of times I drove those roads with him, and how it just wont happen anymore. Not like it did then. I wont ever be the same, he wont either. We wont. I feel like I'm falling, off a sharp cliff into reality. At this point, I hope I land on spears.

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