Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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The winter I warrant is cursed...

I can't help but keep thinking how perfect it is that it keeps snowing. Big, thick, wet, heavy chunks of frozen water cascading to the ground... It's so fitting that today, the day Matt - my summer - left, it's cold and gloomy. I act like I'm ok, I've been choking down the tears really well but it's getting harder. I miss him so much already that I dont know what I'm going to do with myself in a week. No contact whatsoever for at least two weeks.

I've been crying and wimpering alone all day. I can't hold it in, I feel so vulnerable and alone. I know it's rediculous and that the distance is meaningless, emotionally we're still as close, if not closer, than before but my heart is still breaking. So much is uncertain and I feel like I'm being torn away from my best friend... and I know I'll see him again but for some reason I just can't feel hope right now. I'm so fucking sick of acting like everything is ok. I wanted to be strong for him so he would feel better about leaving and now that he's gone I have no strength left. I feel like I'm about to crumble. I do the things that I do only to keep myself from screaming and to keep people from suspecting. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up, or even how much longer I'll even care enough to try.

Oh, and other things on the list of what has gone terribly wrong today...
1. Didn't sleep at all last night.
2. Really feeling quite ill.
3. Forgot my materials for class.
4. I feel like I'm bringing Annie down with me.
5. I have to mend this Hanna and Shane conflict.
6. I have to mend the Matt and Shane conflict.
7. Kayla is in the psyche ward for attempting suicide.
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