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sometimes jacks will rule the realm...

I think I'm bi-polar. Literally 3 minutes ago I was running around, laughing, pretending to pick bugs out of the guys hair but now I feel so alone and so embarrassed of myself for behaving in that fashion. I am so afraid that i'm growing old. More afraid that I'm losing, time seems so short. Matt wants me to call him back around 9... but really didn't seem like he wanted to call me tomorrow. "But, you're calling me tonight?" .. i told him i dont know if that'll happen... But then he sounded all happy at the end, talk to you later, glad to do so as well.

Time is never time at all. You can never ever leave without leaving a peice of you.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Suddenly I feel really inadequate... ugly. I feel like I should change, I'm flawwed. I feel like such a freak. In my poetry class, where I thought I'd find common ground I'm feeling more and more alienated. I think I'm the only one that really has an affection for words and I always feel like a complete nerd. I dont feel like I can be myself either, like being myself would be unacceptable. I don't trust people, all of them are so very fickle. I feel like I can't trust anything, paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back, afraid that I'll never just be good enough.

Song of the moment... 30 Days - Jimmie's Chicken Shack

Comments

alyssamichelle
Jan. 24th, 2004 12:19 am (UTC)
Re: All hail the Borderlines!
If you were diagnosed, you should get the medicine you need... my granny is severly bi-polar and doesn't take medication for it... and she's absolutely nuts! (anyone who drops her kids off at their aunt and uncles on thanksgiving and says she's going to the store only to return two years later I think can safely be construed as nuts:S) But I guess you never really seemed to come anywhere close in compareson to her behavior... but regaurdless... I hope you soon find some kind of help if you're feeling this way often, but also, seriously dont completely rule out the borderline thing, i was wrongfully diagnosed and treated for having social anxiety disorder for years and it really fucked me up hardcore.
virtuistic
Jan. 24th, 2004 10:31 am (UTC)
Re: All hail the Borderlines!
Yeah... it's kind of a weird situation. I took almost every kind of anti-depressant and some anxiety medicines and I think that's why i'm hypoglycemic now, because my prescriptions changed so much and fucked with my chemicals and shit. It's really hard to explain without telling the full story and that's just a lot of stuff that no one wants to hear and i dont wanna tell. :-D I don't take medicine because of personal choice... one I sometimes regret but I've actually come pretty far.

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