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sometimes jacks will rule the realm...

I think I'm bi-polar. Literally 3 minutes ago I was running around, laughing, pretending to pick bugs out of the guys hair but now I feel so alone and so embarrassed of myself for behaving in that fashion. I am so afraid that i'm growing old. More afraid that I'm losing, time seems so short. Matt wants me to call him back around 9... but really didn't seem like he wanted to call me tomorrow. "But, you're calling me tonight?" .. i told him i dont know if that'll happen... But then he sounded all happy at the end, talk to you later, glad to do so as well.

Time is never time at all. You can never ever leave without leaving a peice of you.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Suddenly I feel really inadequate... ugly. I feel like I should change, I'm flawwed. I feel like such a freak. In my poetry class, where I thought I'd find common ground I'm feeling more and more alienated. I think I'm the only one that really has an affection for words and I always feel like a complete nerd. I dont feel like I can be myself either, like being myself would be unacceptable. I don't trust people, all of them are so very fickle. I feel like I can't trust anything, paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back, afraid that I'll never just be good enough.

Song of the moment... 30 Days - Jimmie's Chicken Shack

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
ex_stoicism868
Jan. 23rd, 2004 04:35 pm (UTC)
hey, i totally hear you on the being super crazy giggly happy, and then being ashamed by it. i've gotten to the point lately that literally everything i say i feel embarrassed for. like in french class, when the prof asked if anyone had seen le carneval and i said yeah, cause i lived in germany for a little while....stuff like that, that it makes very little sense to be embarrassed about....

i hear ya.....we can hang out and be bipolar together.
virtuistic
Jan. 23rd, 2004 11:21 pm (UTC)
awesome... we can generate a room full of emo gush and release it on the world. Seriously, my entire day has been a fucking roller coaster, and once again, it's plunging.
alyssamichelle
Jan. 23rd, 2004 11:43 pm (UTC)
All hail the Borderlines!
Hey I totally know how you feel with the whole doing dumb shit then feeling like a fool thing... I mean, come on, you knew me in high school! ;) But yeah, I thought I was bi-polar for awhile, but then I thought about some of the people I know who really ARE bi-polar, and believe me, if you were like that you'd know it...ha... but anyways, I've been researching borderline personality disorder and at least for me, almost every "symptom" pertained to me... you should check it out,
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/ :)
virtuistic
Jan. 23rd, 2004 11:47 pm (UTC)
Re: All hail the Borderlines!
hah... no, i think i know what i've got. I was diagnosed a long time ago. I'm supposed to be on medicine, used to be in fact... but i stopped because i didn't like the thought of my thoughts being "altered" by some chemical perscribed by a tyrannical medical dictator.
alyssamichelle
Jan. 24th, 2004 12:19 am (UTC)
Re: All hail the Borderlines!
If you were diagnosed, you should get the medicine you need... my granny is severly bi-polar and doesn't take medication for it... and she's absolutely nuts! (anyone who drops her kids off at their aunt and uncles on thanksgiving and says she's going to the store only to return two years later I think can safely be construed as nuts:S) But I guess you never really seemed to come anywhere close in compareson to her behavior... but regaurdless... I hope you soon find some kind of help if you're feeling this way often, but also, seriously dont completely rule out the borderline thing, i was wrongfully diagnosed and treated for having social anxiety disorder for years and it really fucked me up hardcore.
virtuistic
Jan. 24th, 2004 10:31 am (UTC)
Re: All hail the Borderlines!
Yeah... it's kind of a weird situation. I took almost every kind of anti-depressant and some anxiety medicines and I think that's why i'm hypoglycemic now, because my prescriptions changed so much and fucked with my chemicals and shit. It's really hard to explain without telling the full story and that's just a lot of stuff that no one wants to hear and i dont wanna tell. :-D I don't take medicine because of personal choice... one I sometimes regret but I've actually come pretty far.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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