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amelioration and courage

I feel oddly contented. I finally was able to tell matt how I view him without sounding like a total fool... He really is the most beautiful person that i have ever encountered, and i am still enamored with him. Yet, i'm more at peace with the idea of no development, as long as we stay as is, even though I feel a progression slowly happening. I'm still in awe of his mind, his concise articulation, and although sometimes it doesn't seem to exist, his immense consideration and compassion. Everything he does is so carefully calculated, and i can understand how that must exhaust him but it enthralls me, and only makes me want to assist him whenever possible. I admire him so much, in so many ways.

Tonight I waited for him for a good couple of hours, was kind of frustrated but he came, and that's a change from before... if he says he'll do something he will... time is just the determining factor... but i was reminded how considerate he is... because although he made plans with me, since i've been home he's been completely neglecting bill, and told him earlier that they would play nintendo for awhile and chill... thus the delay... then i dyed his hair black, and suprisingly, he still looks stunningly handsome... then we were going to go watch big fish... but the anxiety came on and he actually opened up and talked to me about it... i relate to the things he says in some ways, and i just wish i could help him more, but i know he really just needs to focus and rest... but i showwed him the smashing pumpkins patch i'm making him and he gave me a hug.. and i was actually able to communicate exactly this...

"I want you to know that when it seems like things are slipping away, i'm not going anywhere, you'll never lose me, I'll never lie to you, and i'll never leave you."

(brightness in his eyes, small smile, and hug)

"Matt, I love you. You are the most beautiful person i've ever met and it's all right here [hand on his head] and here [other hand on his heart]. And any time you need, you can call me at 3 am i don't care, you can break into my house and wake me up, I'll do whatever I can to help you. And I'm always going to be here."

[full smile, another hug, thank you, and parting.]

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