I'm really bothered by all this... today when visiting my Grandma Fae I looked at all the individual pictures of my cousins and my eyes fell upon my 10 year old cousin Willy and my heart just sank. It hit me so hard, and still is eating away at my soul... he has my eyes. I don't just mean he has eyes that look like mine even though he does, he has that same look as I've seen on myself in some of my darkest moments. The kind of look that even when you're smiling, your eyes will destroy the facade and show the truth. No child should ever have that look in his eyes, adults shouldn't even have to feel that badly to merit that look. My mom thinks i'm reading too much into it, she doesn't think at that age it's possible to know depression. I wish she were right, but I know those eyes, that look. His expression, the fact that his smile was so fucking feeble, it looked like all joy, life, and youth had been beaten out of him, just... drained away. I know his step-mother is a hag to him, and I know his father allows it because he's in love and doesn't want to lose another wife... but I'm so worried for Willy, I don't want it to ruin him. He's such an intelligent, talented little boy. Looking at the picture from the year before, he doesn't even look like the same kid. His eyes give me chills.
It didn't get any better either. I just spent the last 8 or so hours playing with this delightful, though somewhat needy, little girl. I had a lot of fun, even though I normally really don't like entertaining children, the maternal instinct really isn't there. Before I left, she told me ... ah fuck it i'm just going to quote the conversation...
Madeline: "I dont want you to go, I dont want to be stuck here with my parents."
Me: "Why not?"
Madeline: "Well, it's just not the same because like, I used to be able to talk to my mom and stuff when I remember my dad, because he died when I was four, and I will remember stuff like his favorite color being blue, and then I'll want to talk to my mom about it and remember him more, and sometimes I just start crying, I can't help it. I really miss him. But now I have a new father and it isn't the same."
Me: "But isn't Eddie nice?"
Madeline: "Pshh, yeah... no. I mean, he's funny but sometimes he's just really hard on you. He doesn't think that I should still cry about my dad or miss him."
Then I watched her trail off too... you could literally see her inverting... I can't even imagine what memories flooded into her head during those seconds, but I know they did. There's something really wrong in this world when 7 year old girls and 10 year old boys are feeling like this... and it isn't their faults, it isn't their genetics... but it's awful.