Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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i keep looking at this stupid prom picture

I am so weak. The stupidest things influence me, I have no substance or resistance at all, I swear. I let alyssa and carmen come over again. I didn't say anything. I just let it all slide. Confrontation just isn't my thing. But, I can definitely feel us growing apart. Especially Carmen and me. Sad thing is, part of me doesn't care.

Well, I'm getting afraid of sleeping. I keep having really vivid dreams of my death. Generally, I die from an asthma attack or choking, sometimes from my blood sugar. Something slow enough to allow me to cough out a dramatic goodbye to Cody or Matt and Shane. Mostly in my dreams it's Matt, probably because he's the one I dont want to leave behind more than anything, which makes me feel like I'm an awful person with my priorities fucked. Maybe not, but where does Cody figure in then? Anyway, sometimes I'm being stabbed by someone who is "jealous" of me, or shot by someone of the like. The best thing I can figure that it means is that, I feel like these first 18 years have been like a first life and now that part is dying off. I feel like I'm leaving it behind to go to college. I don't want to, but I feel like I don't have a choice. I'm not exactly scared, but I know I'm feeling extremely hesitant. I'm uncertain, because there are things I don't want to lose or jeopardize. I know I can go to college, live, and succeed. But I don't think I want to. I'm afraid I'm going to compromise part of me and lose it. All my friends are part of me, and I dont want to lose them either, but it feels as though inevitably I will. I'm really uncomfortable with that. I don't want to leave them, and I don't want to be forgotten. Yet, I also don't want to be that weird older kid that tries to still hang out with the "youngins". My options don't seem to want to allow a healthy balance of both. The happy medium where I want to be. It's so ridiculous. It's not like graduating highschool has changed who I am as a person and yet everything else seems to be going insane. I'm treated differently and I don't know why. I graduated along with 94 other people, and thousands of others across the globe, I'm not special. A graduate is simply someone that his eaten 12 years of cafeteria food and lived to tell about it. All a graduation ceremony is, is an event where the commencement speaker tells hundreds of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success. Granted, I was stoked about graduation, I'm glad I'm out of highschool. I'm just not glad that everything seems to now be falling apart. Highschool seems like such a secure environment in hindsight and now I think I know why everyone says they'd go back. Security blanket syndrome. I really do feel on my own and stranded, even though I'm still living in the same house. As the days go by, this feeling of finality is growing and I despise it. It's ludicrous, because I'll be coming back. I'm not going to die, I'm not being banished, in fact I'll probably be back every other weekend, but will that be enough to keep what I have? Or will the me that I know now grow and change into someone I don't know yet, and this me will die and I will lose the only parts of me that I love... those I care about. I am afraid I'm going to hurt them by leaving. Which I guess plays into the dreams too, in the facial expressions I see on Matt and when I die. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially him. I dont want to leave him or my friends, and I dont want what I have to die.

Anyway, back to the title of this entry. I was cleaning my room and I found pictures from prom I was using as bookmarks in an old book. Pictures of me and Cody, and every time I see them I smile because they're so sweet and nostalgic and we both look so happy, youthful, and attractive. Dare I say, invincible. I reminisce about that night and it's so cheesy because I loathed the idea of prom and I didn't even want to go, and in this very moment I would cut off my toe with a razor blade to feel that way again. Why is there so much magic in all those balloons, streamers, and beads? Why does it seem like things were easier then? Nothing really has changed in our relationship, I guess it's just the weight of the aformentioned looming over my head. But I look at that picture and I smile. I'm glad that I have that memory, and it's odd because memories aren't something I'm used to cherishing. Still, I was so happy that night, and I am happy with him. We've had so much fun. Everything is so easy, natural, and smooth. We've never had a "fight" or even an argument. He's opened my eyes to so many things, shown me some of his world, and it's beautiful. He is beautiful. That was his first dance, and he held nothing back. Hah, it was so great. I can still see his smile and hear his laugh... I miss it and him. I haven't seen him in a week, and wont until next. I'll see it then, and then maybe it'll be easier for me to follow suit. I just don't know.
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