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el fin de la vida primera...

Wow, it's amazing how much has changed in the past week. I am finding that I don't want to go to college any more, I have a few reasons too, but I feel like I'm trapped and have no choice. I have 24 days, and that terrifies me. Every time I think of it I feel as though I'm going to cry and get nauseated. I think I'm going to have a panic attack or a nervous breakdown before I go. I dont even want to anymore... I'm thinking I might transfer within the first couple weeks, and just to go a Technical College. I dont even know if that's possible. All I know is I don't want to go... at all. And it's mostly his fault...

Remember to Breathe....

I'm not at all afraid that I'll fail in college. I know I can succeed, I'm not an idiot - in fact, quite the contrary. I guess I'm just really worried about being forgotten, and terrified of being left, if you know what I mean. I dont know what is going to happen, mostly because I'm too much of a chicken shit to ask him. I don't want to lose him. In fact, I dont know if I can handle going to college without him. Then I'd feel more alone than I do now just thinking about leaving everyone I care about behind. I don't know, I conceed that he'd have valid reason not to.... i don't want to be the one holding him back or dragging him down. I mean, he's got 3 years of highschool left...

Damnit you're so young, but I dont think I care.

I dont even know how to interpret what he said either... my translation changes with my mood. John asked him what was going to happen when I go to college. The whole gist of it is...

"I donno. I mean,
I really really like the girl,
don't get me wrong.
I'm just a little shaky on the whole
long distance relationship thing."

On a good day, I will note that he didn't just come out and say, no, it's not going to work. Also note the adjective little... as in... not completely freaked out about, and then I am filled with the hope that I can reassure him that everything will work out fine. On a bad day - like today - I will think that well... a little shakey is an expression that generally expresses discomfort to extreme discomfort. And then I note that every day of my remaining 24 that goes ticking by, this hasn't been addressed and his anxiety is probably growing as much as mine which is inhibiting the reassurance process. I need a guy translator. "What He Really Means!"

Sometimes I wish I hadn't began this relationship when I knew it will probably end when I go to college. But then I think of all that's been, and I know I wouldnt want to give it up either. Ugh.

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