If I'm not feeling any less sour.
I promised myself, to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower ..........
And climbing to the top,
Would throw myself off,
In an effort to, make clear to whoever,
What it's like when your shattered .......
To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around,
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy,
Oh, if He really does exist,
Why did He desert me?
That general fear is infecting me again. That familiar pain is back in my stomach. I probably wont be able to eat for another three days. I'm back to crying, a lot. I feel so completely isolated. I have been hoping to see cody for like, three days. I thought he was hoping to see me too... i guess not. He sounded like it on Friday, and on Tuesday... but today on the phone he sounded really irritated with me. I hope he didnt get in trouble because of me, he says its his parents. But i really hope he isn't sugar coating anything from me. But it was "doubtful" that they'd let him do anything, and I asked him if he wanted to at least ask and he said "no." that he already knew the answer. Perhaps he did. And maybe as tosha said, he was just having problems with the rentals and was annoyed with them, not me. After all, Friday he told me, "no, donkeys are annoying and you are not." after I called myself a jackass. Tosha and I chilled today for the first time in what seems like forever, it was so refreshing and way fun. we always have the best times, i really love that girl. But when I left I asked tosha to ask cody to stay online until I got home if he was online.. and he said, "NO! wait... I mean... ok? Who said this?" I don't know if he was joking or not... but it still hurts that I came home... and he was still there... I messaged him and then 5 min later... offline, no response. Technically he did what she asked. she asked him .. "why? dont you want to talk to the shelby?" and he said "no, i do. I was just confused about what you said." I dont know what to think, but I wish I could stop altogether.
I visited Jon in the hospital today. I thought his arm would be a lot worse, but I guess I should have expected things to be blown out of proportion. The thing that really got me was all the scaring he's going to have on his face and on the account that he almost had his ear ripped off. Other than that he's talking quite normally and they even let him walk around his floor... Tomorrow he'll have been there for a week. He really wants to go home, and they keep telling him he'll be able to, but then they never let him. It's strange. He's still very Jon, which is always good. He complains that they took away his morphine and gave him hydrocodone which is a very jon thing to say... also with his stories of watching other rooms and the hazard therein. I wish this had never happened to him, its such a shame because he's such a lively person and the hospital chokes it out of him. He's excited about becoming "wolverine" though. I guess the "plastic surgeons" are putting titanium in/on his bones. I told him they should leave the 4 pins he has sticking out of his arm in.... they add character. Especially if you were to either sharpen them, or cut them off at the skin. that'd look a little strange though I wager, but jon'd like it. He says he's going to use his arm for magnets in the future... i think that sounds pretty handy.
I just want to be loved and needed.
and I want to stop crying, for good.