Music:30 Days - Jimmie's Chicken Shack | Unintended - Muse
lets lay rivers where once were streams...
Today was interesting. Today at school I was so happy, so giddy until around 8th hour. Maybe it was wrong of me, but I couldn't cooperate today. Normally I have no problem being the leader but today it felt like I was doing all the work. "What does habras mean?" ask the question but expect me to look it up. So I just stopped answering their questions and stopped looking things up for them while they chatted about all the new hype. Why should they get my grade when they don't deserve or try to earn it?
After school was interesting. Matt called me twice, we had the plan that he and I were going to chill and watch a disney movie and later we'd meet up with Shane and Tosha, but his parents wouldnt let him leave. So Mindy came over and we watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I got to see Matt in the end though when I dropped off his CDs and book at his house. He was sleeping, it was adorable. I wanted to cuddle up with him. He looked so serene. Damn I want to be with him right now. I just want to be with him period. and I mean with. =/
Ian called me today. It was weird to say the least. I havent talked to him since we broke up in like, the end of august or whenever it was. I don't even remember but we haven't talked since then. I felt terrible when he told me that his grandma died last week. He kept telling me that he misses me and that it's great hearing my voice. I know he wanted me to say that I wanted us to be again, but I don't know if I can. I still love him, I always will love him, but he's so far away and Matt... the fact is, I want to be with Matt. Kind of am, in an implied way? It wouldn't be fair of me to go out with Ian but want to be with someone else. I'm glad to be talking with him again, but it makes things so complicated because I don't want to hurt him either. *sigh*
Matt is beautiful. Shane was right though, he has no self confidence which is tragic. He is a gorgeous male. I'd jump him. Not to mention the fact that he is so smart. I love his mind, it's brilliant. He finds joy and amusement in the same stupid little things that I do, jokes around the same way that I do, is annoyed by the same things I am. I am intoxicated with his presence. He smells so good too, I think his scent is an aphrodesiac. God! He plays Radiohead on the piano, reads Sophocles for entertainment, is a Harry Potter junkie, even made the Trans-Siberian orchestra fun! Every aspect of him is beautiful and intoxicating. Tonight when I woke him up the biggest grin crossed his face, gave me a big hug, and we kind of cuddled for awhile. He told me he'd miss me while we're both stuck with our families. He told me that he'll write to me too. I hope he does, I'll write to him. He called me when I got home too. Tomorrow I just may skip school to go see him. To think, I'll be Matt deprived for 4 days. I'll just remember the kiss, and damnit he's good at that too.
I have a real feeling of foreboding concerning Thanksgiving. My grandma's house is always terribly boring and depressing. My relatives are completely insane. Matt told me to pretend that I was going to come with him, and he'll pretend that I'm going with him to his house full of 81 people. "I'm going to miss you, I'll think of you the whole time. The whole time."