Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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return from another sabatical...the roof is on fire

Yeah, so I haven't exactly been regular with posting anymore. Not that I dont have reason or desire, mainly because I don't have time. Everything is so screwwed up as of late. Homecoming was strange, school sucks, I hate just about everything and I cry myself to sleep just about every night. The weather is beautiful though.

Homecoming was odd, I was excited about actually getting a date for once. However, somehow I knew it was going to happen. Although Matt paid for my meal and got me into the dance, he immediately ditched me for his x-girlfriend who, ironically enough, came with my replacement date. Needless to say I wasn't very pleased but I wasn't exceptionally shocked either. Still, I felt relieved when Tosha bitch slapped him. However, Chris, the one I danced with at Prom, was on homecoming court and thus forced to actually go. Although he was on court though he was dateless kind of, he came with a male friend as a joke. Well, He and I kind of adopted each other and ended up having a really good time. We went to Tim's party, made out in my car, and now there is a rumor that I had sex with him in the elementary school parking lot. Never happened, came close but no, never happened. So yes, I am dating him now because Ian has kind turned into a bit of an "I want my independence from EVERYTHING" type asshole. He tells me he still loves me but the distance is bothering him and he just wants to take a break until summer. Although, he seems slightly perterbed that I have a boyfriend now. Apparently he expected me to wait, be at his behest, and return to him at his beckoned call and convenience. I dont know what to do. I'm just taking things a day at a time.

School is terrible. I can't wait to graduate. It's causing me so much stress and I don't have any reason to be here. I'm sick of everything, even band. I am about two inches away from just dropping Pre Cal because I absolutely hate it and leave that class feeling worthless and drained because everything I do somehow ends up being wrong. And I ask Alyssa, she checks over it and tells me it's right, she gets the right answers and mine are still somehow wrong. I don't get it but I'm really sick of it. I thought Senior year was supposed to be a year of fun. I worked my butt off the past three years to be able to chill this year and I'm working harder than last year just to keep my head above water. I mean, I'm not failing and I'm getting mostly A's but everything is just coming down. I'm sick of all the college shit too. I just wan't to go, everything is so exhausting as of late. Life is so much effort and preperation. It's driving me insane. Plus with working 5 days a week it's draining me. I'm sick of not being able to sleep on the weekends and have my weekend days ruined by snotty yuppies that look down their nose at me. I especially hate working after school. After putting up with all the stupid cliques, with all the petty judgements, with all the stupid people, then I have to go to work and clean up after the stupid co-workers that never clean anything. Oh, she's a hard worker, she'll pick up the slack. Yeah, technically it's the closer's job so I'm just gonna sit on my ass and not do anything. Yeah, and the read through for the play is probably gonna take place at the coffee house tonight because yeah, I have the lead in the play and guess what, I have to work. I've got too much on my plate and it's wearing me out. At the end of the day I just cry because I can't take it all. I am so bogged down and everything seems hopeless and unattainable. My parents arent helping either. All the stuff I'm doing now is inadequate. They want more out of me and I just can't do it. I wish someone would just kill me now.

My car got hit when parked last night and my mom and dad started yelling at me. Gave me the whole, god you are so stupid! why did you leave it vulnerable? What the fucking shit man? The car was in a parking stall, it's not my fault that someone else is a complete idiot. I didn't need that last night. And Chris is so busy as of late I barely get to even talk to him anymore. I really could use it. He always cheers me up when he's around and makes me feel better. However my parents find a way to ruin it. Yesterday my mom screamed at me for about an hour and a half because I got my pictures developed and there is a picture of me sitting on the corner of a bed that has my friend Chris lying on it. I'm such a slut. She gave me this whole lecture about how I'm putting myself in compromising positions, everyone looks down on me cuz I hang on people, I look like a sleeze, and she's convinced I'm going to end up getting date raped. I don't even want to come home anymore. My dad basically told me that he thinks that i'm easy, or that I portray myself as such, and that he thinks I've had sex already and just told me, "do it wherever you want, just don't do it here." What the hell is wrong with these people? So I hug my friends, that's the way I work. That doesn't constitute "hanging on them". But apparently, the way I present myself is in a promiscuous manner. I'm a little virgin whore. I hate this place.

I wish I could just run away. However, I have nowhere to go.
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