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Today's the day when dreaming ends...

Never knew I could feel like this.
Like I've never seen the sky before.
Want to vanish in your kiss.
Seasons may change,
Winter to spring.
But I love you til the end of time.
Come what may, come what may
I will love you til my dying day.


I feel as loved as roadkill feels alive. Nice metaphor, eh? Charming. I love Ewan McGregor's voice. I hate how I feel. I feel used, unloved. I feel frightned, nothing I know is real. Everything I've been living is one big illusion. I dont even know who my friends are anymore. I miss Holly, I miss Jessi, I miss Ian. I hate the fact that my dad is up in Ignace pussy-footing around fishing and he didn't have the decency to take me up there to see Ian. Sadly, I dont think Ian cares. I think I've become a routine for him. Meaningless routine. Everything feels meaningless. I feel worthless. I don't take that much from the world but I guess I dont give that much back either. I dont think I even can. I dont even know who my friends are anymore. No one ever calls me anymore. Oh wait, yes they do, when they're looking for someone else. I dont know, I feel really invisible. I feel like I'm trying to hard to be liked. Sure they say they like me and they're kind to my face, but I'm always with someone else. Myself as an individual is not enough to merit worthiness. I dont know wether it's me or them or what. However, seeing as the vast majority of people don't like me I guess it's me. It sucks even more because normally I'd just be like, "fuck you all, I have my friends, think what you want" but I dont even know if I have friends anymore. If I see them it's because I make the effort to hook up. My efforts seem so meaningless because they're never noticed or reciprocated. Staying alive and happy is requiring a lot of effort as of late. My efforts are meaningless. This life is meaningless. I, am meaningless.

Comments

( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
perplexx
Sep. 9th, 2002 12:36 pm (UTC)
I love that song, and I know the feeling. ;\

Sorry doll, I hope things get better soon.
virtuistic
Sep. 9th, 2002 07:27 pm (UTC)
You will NOT sink my cheerio! I see what is transpiring here!
It is indeed a great song. moulin rouge is a great movie. *sigh* Things have just sucked lately. :( My friend is in the hospital, another one expecting a baby, majority of 'friends'ignoring me. It's just, exhausting. I love you though, and your taste in music. ;] I hope things cheer up for you too. As for me, Columbus was wrong, I just slid off the edge. Rah!
perplexx
Sep. 9th, 2002 08:55 pm (UTC)
Damn, and I thought I was being sneaky!
Blah. People can suck.

But! I love you too, and join the club! with the whole falling off the edge thing...yup, I make sense to myself, that's all that counts, right?
virtuistic
Sep. 10th, 2002 08:02 pm (UTC)
I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness...
indeed it does. I always tell people to not bother me when I'm talking to myself, I might get confused. I have enough problems making sense of my thoughts as it is... lol. =] People do suck. I like aliens. They rock my socks.
ex_stoicism868
Sep. 9th, 2002 01:08 pm (UTC)
no. you're not meaningless, because you and i are going to form a militant political group and take over the world. ok so maybe we're not plotting world domination...plots.. but still, you mean a lot to me, and i'm sure you mean lots to other people too. how could you not?!
cheer up charlie, your golden ticket will come :)
<333333333333333333
virtuistic
Sep. 9th, 2002 07:30 pm (UTC)
This is what you get when you mess with KARMA
Hah, I loved the willie wonka reference. I was playing the willy wonka theme on my trumpet today with my wacky skater/trumpeter pal. I'm trying to look past all the dirt and grime. N as for our secret plans for world domination or at least reformation through witty t-shirts, (oh shit!! DOH!) we'll just pretend I didn't say that and keep it on the d/l. Heh heh heh...
ex_stoicism868
Sep. 10th, 2002 06:37 am (UTC)
Re: This is what you get when you mess with KARMA
ahahaha what? sorry, i didn't hear a thing. surely we wouldn't try to change the world through t-shirts, i must have heard that wrong..such a silly plot. hahahaha i am listening to a song from the 80s and i like it. much like i like you. o0o. stein auf !
virtuistic
Sep. 10th, 2002 07:57 pm (UTC)
Re: This is what you get when you mess with KARMA
hah, i like you as well! I got your letter today! It was quite massive. lol. =] I'm writing you back. Did you ever find that anklet that I made? If not I'll make you a new one or something. I have to find the collage I made you. It was pimped out I just don't know where it went. My mom went on a giant cleaning spree. I hope she didn't throw it out, I would kill her. Rah, tomorrow is family night and i just wanna screeeam because we don't have a fucking family. we have 4 people that live in the same house. UGH! It's frustrating. I loved you're letter though. I'll make use of the notes somehow in PreCal. =]
ex_stoicism868
Sep. 11th, 2002 10:59 am (UTC)
love is like pi. real, irrational and very important :)
lol. i am so glad you liked my letter. i didn't find the anklet. i feel like such a lameass for that,too. seriously, i'm crushed. i'm so stoked you're writing me,too, cause i hardly get mail. :) i will make you a collage or something. i dunno. i need some inspiration/ a muse. MUSE! man. i always forget what i make/write for/to people in real letters. crazy stuff. and i am wasting space on your lj by rambling.
virtuistic
Sep. 11th, 2002 02:15 pm (UTC)
Isn't it ironic that the goddess of love was the result of a castruated penis?
that's all good... you're rambling is much appreciated. I love it. =] Yeah, I'll make you a new anklet but I ran out of the colors I used before and now I don't know what colors to make it with. =/ Tell me your faves... and I'll make it all personalized like. =] Ugh, but I have to go get my senior pictures taken tomorrow and I'm royally insecure. I'll write to you about it. I just feel so ugly! Pictures always come at a massively inopportune time. Rawr!
ex_stoicism868
Sep. 11th, 2002 03:28 pm (UTC)
Re: Isn't it ironic that the goddess of love was the result of a castruated penis?
lmao. oh yeah, i wrote about aphrodite in my letter. it's all coming back to me. umm. i don't really have fave colors. i wear a lot of blue, so maybe something with shades of blue and green (not like chartreuse, but forest green you know) maybe a lil purple. cool shades. :) take my breath awayyyyyyy.

hey. i know about the senior picture thing. i spazzed out about it and they ended up not being as important as i thought they'd be. plus you're HOT like wasabi, so you've got nothin to worry about :) you should bring some miles. i listened to kind of blue when i got mine done, and it totally got me in a mellow/halfway feelin sexy mood. :)
virtuistic
Sep. 12th, 2002 09:03 pm (UTC)
Re: Isn't it ironic that the goddess of love was the result of a castruated penis?
I've begun to write back to you and I'll get right to making your nifty little bracelet. I'm glad I asked cuz I woulda used like... Navy Blue, Orange, Black, White, and Tan. I'm one of those weird people that likes wierd colors...lol.

I called you the other day, and today but today i didn't leave a message. I didn't really have much to say, I am just applying for college and I realized that I dont know the specific name of your school and all. tell meeeeeeee. anyway i need to sleep... i just need to get away from the feeling that ian doesn't love me anymore. it hurts. and i can't escape it. It's driving me crazy.
ex_stoicism868
Sep. 13th, 2002 03:57 pm (UTC)
Re: Isn't it ironic that the goddess of love was the result of a castruated penis?
i go to michigan state university. the website is www.msu.edu and i think you can apply online. my words of advice...apply before halloween, it's a popular school, and applying before halloween will make your chances better. i've heard they've gotten tougher with admissions in the past couple years. also, keep in mind that the average gpa of an msu student is like 3.0 and the average act score is 24, so don't feel overwhelmed. i dunno where you are, but i'm sure it's higher than that. also, no essay is required!
virtuistic
Sep. 14th, 2002 12:14 pm (UTC)
Re: Isn't it ironic that the goddess of love was the result of a castruated penis?
I wanna go to school with you homes!! I have a cumulative 3.71 GPA n got a 25 on acts... Trust me i'll be applying during September. =] I'm an early bird...not really...but wouldn't it be lovely......wouldn't it be wooondeerfuuulllll!!! =]
ex_stoicism868
Sep. 14th, 2002 06:02 pm (UTC)
Re: Isn't it ironic that the goddess of love was the result of a castruated penis?
rock on. yeah. i got 30 on acts and had a gpa of something. i forget. shows how much i cared. msu was an accident really, but it's not so bad. :) if i could put in a good word, i would. but alas, i have minimal power...for now....
(Anonymous)
Sep. 26th, 2002 09:29 am (UTC)
Hey! Special K, it Twizzle...
Hey! what is up? duh, I love you! you are my best friend, and we all love you! i just wish u lived closer so that you could chill, always! and go to school with me, even if it sucks, that would be the shinit. we would make chaos...steal pplz left shoes and pants and whatnot. lol, but yeah. i stayed home from school today, and well WHEE! no not really it is boring as crap, you should visit meee! Tell your Chrissy poo i say hidy ho, and i am sorry i wasnt at school to protect him from rape! lol. well im out...i will call you if i am not sleeping, GET OFF GROUNDED! NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! love peace
Twizzle
(Anonymous)
Sep. 30th, 2002 07:31 am (UTC)
Hey
Hey you know me its Gav. I'm so bored now and I feel like just sleeping till i'm about 23. maybe i should do that but maybe i shouldent. My mates are all off doing there own thing and i'm stuck in the middle with nothing to do but wait for the holidays. talk to ya on messenger whenever.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )

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