Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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Anything I care about is doomed.

I feel attacked. It feels like anything that means the slightest bit to me gets taken away, destroyed, or distanced from me. I feel as though I am crumbling. The people that are tearing the pieces away from me are my own family. The people that claim to care but cut me off from the only things that bring me joy. First they try to cut me off from my friends by grounding me but that didn't work. However, this next step hurts far more. They are not letting me go see Ian in September and that has been the only thing keeping me going these past few days. Now it feels like there is nothing left to live for. Why am I here? Am I just wasting my time? Lately it feels like the world is crashing down around me. I just sit here and act like nothing bothers me but inside I'm falling apart. My insecurities are magnified. I keep bottling it all and hurts so much and it just worsens the situation. The burden keeps getting bigger and I dont know if I should just give up or try to tackle it. If I decide to tackle it, will I be able to? I need to see Ian, whenever I'm with him all the ugliness, injustice, or whatever I'm up against, they dont phase me anymore. They all melt away when he smiles. He makes me glad that I'm alive, I notice all the insignificant little positive things, I don't let things get to me. It's so refreshing. I need that. I can't bear the thought of not being able to see him for another 11 months. Hopefully, his parents will be able to work some magic with mine. Help them extract their heads from their arses.

Don't worry, for worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. It wont be of any interest in the island of despair.

Although yesterday was my first day of grounding, I didn't follow it. I went skating with Carmen and I had to work anyway so today was supposed to be my first real day of grounded-ness. Did I follow it? Noooo. Never do, Kyia came over and I went and picked up Chris. We watched Monty Python because he'd never seen it, poor deprived child. Kyia had to leave so Chris and I just decided to walk the movie back so we went for a little stroll. Took the exceptionally long route back home because I knew my dad would probably make me take him home or something. However, we returned home and he was asleep on the couch. So! We sat down and watched some SNL, talked about comedians that we liked, listened to some Stephen Lynch songs and laughed a good deal. We were going to go swimming at the pool but my mum was all, "no! you're grounded!" Chris didn't have his suit anyway. I want to see him in his golf outfit. It'd be so cute. Especially since every other time i've seen him he's donning a bunch of skater-wear. However, my mom didn't bitch at me for having him over. She didn't ask questions, she took him home and said we would have to discuss the length of my sentence and then left it at that. Probably because she knew tonight she'd drop the bomb. She wants every Wednesday night to be family night for us to spend time working on being a better family, yet when I wanted to discuss my bounds with her she was "too busy". A tid bit hypocritical. She wants us to be a family on her time. She wants us to be the family she has in her mind. She doesnt want me to go to Canada. I dont want to be her daughter.

In the end, only kindness matters.
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