Things aren't what they seem. I'm living someone else's dream.
I feel grey. I'm not feeling alright today. I need to be sedated. I need to get back in control. I feel cornered, I'm helplessly struggling but I dont know what with or who against. I know i'm fighting with myself and my own thoughts. I don't want to believe this is really happening. I dont feel like i'm living anymore. I exist and I just watch instead of participating. I don't feel. I dont know what I'll do when it finally hits. I get slight tastes every now and then and then all I can't stop crying. All I feel now is emptiness and loneliness. I'm completely incomplete and afraid. I feel like my insides have been shelled out and there is just one giant void inside me. I feel so alone. I want a hug from Jon or Matt or Chris. Or all of them. I want someone here with me. I feel so utterly alone and isolated. Everyone is deaf to my screaming and I really need their help. I want to be with my friends. I want them to distract me and make me forget. I want Ian here with me. I want him to work his magic and make the whole world melt away, become beautiful, and have no negative effect on me. I want to know why he didn't call me. After the miserable happenings of the last few days I've really missed and needed him. I can't accept the truth. It doesn't seem possible that it can be real. It's all a bad dream that isnt even mine I just happen to be watching. Then it hits me and I feel sick. My health is failing me and I know it's partially my fault. I just don't have any desire to get better. I have no reason, no motivation. The only thing keeping me going right now is that I can call Ian. Except I know I'll be wondering why he didn't call me when he found out the camping trip was cancelled. His dad tells me that I'm all he talks about and that he wants to marry me and he is going crazy without me. Unfortunately that doesn't coincide with not calling me. I trust him though, and I know he loves me. I blame it on his being male and not understanding the function of a telephone. Plus he's like me in the fact that the second he gets done working he's out with friends. I wish I could be out with friends. I wish I could be with him. I wish I could be out of my life and out of the pain. I can't deal with this right now. Everyone tells me things will get better, things will change and days will get brighter but I just don't see it. I can't see it changing. I'm so sick of drastic, unexpected changes and I can't handle them. I have too much on my plate. I feel so overwhelmed. I dont know what to do, everywhere I turn for advice I find nothing. I need someone to lean on and I feel like all my supports are giving out and I'm already off balance. I need someone to catch me. I can't get through this on my own.