I just started (15 seconds ago) The Phantom Menace and I suddenly remembered that George Lucas is really a self-indulgent douche.
Really, that's no secret. Just look at his body of work. Or look a the fact that he decided to do the "first three" episodes a few decades after the "final three" that garnered him all of his success. Not only that, but he took the "final three" that really were works of art for their period, and stuck in new animations.
I can hear you saying, "but then why are you watching it?" I don't know. Call it a whim. That being said, I have some thoughts.
Star Wars is a really lame title. I mean seriously? We have these really long, drawn out, epic tales based in exceptionally creative worlds and the best he could come up with was "Star Wars." Profound. Sure, it's catchy. Simple to remember, but it's incredibly oversimplified and startlingly uninteresting.
I hate, have always hated, and will continue to hate, the angled text rolling away into outer space in such a fashion that you literally cannot read it on a normal television screen. If you're in the theater it kind of works but it moves too quickly and let's be honest here, it's dumb. I don't preface my stories with hard to read, stupidly configured text. No other movie in the history of ever has decided that would be a good way to disseminate information. Dude, this is why we have narrators.
Also, way to spell out everything for the viewers. This is the most passive interaction with a film ever. In the first 30 seconds you get: Jedi = good!, dark-force/empire = BAD. No gray area. No letting the audience riddle it out for themselves. As if the quasi-hippie Jedi didn't positively wreak of peace and friendliness. Nope. I need to be hit over the head with a brick of obvious, and thank you for that, Georgie.
I'll probably be back with more later... whining about how the trade federation insults about being "brain-dead" and hearing about "stunted slime" and how the aliens mouths still don't line up with what they're saying. I really do enjoy these movies on multiple levels... but I'm more inclined to point out their faults than heap on more praise at the moment.
This list will grow as the movie progresses:
- I haven't watched this movie in a long time. Can we come to the consensus that the menace they speak of is Jar Jar Binks? I had forgotten how completely irritating he is. "Egads! Wassa meesah sayin'?" I don't really know, but I wish you wouldn't. Maybe Georgie meant to write "The Phantom and Menace" and just dropped the conjunction. Y'know, by accident.
- The clock-transition in a feature film? Seriously? Seriously?
- Is it odd that I want to both hug and punch whoever did Amidala's costumes?
- I'll tell you what "does not compute." I do not believe that robots would say "Uhhh," while they process information that doesn't seem to make sense. Fr srs.
- It always surprises me just how atrocious the acting is in some of these films. The evil viceroy, the ship's captain, even Natalie Portman.
- "Are you an angel?" asks Young!Anakin. What is he, eight? Seriously. This dialogue is abysmal.
- Who actually says the word "yipee"? C'mon.
- Props to having a dyslexic, green, crippled midget as a hero. Nice. Although, the animatronic Yoda is looking a little rough around the edges.
The Attack of the Clones Wanklist will also grow as the movie progresses.
- This whole Senator Amidala thing is really jarring.
- Okay, we have super CGI but R2D2 still looks like a trash can with plastic glued on?
- Oh now we bust out the CGI!Yoda. His eyes aren't nearly big enough.
- Ewan looks like absolute shit with facial hair.
- Hayden Christensen is really good at playing the angsty, whine-a-holic teenager. I'd forgotten having watched Life as a House, but at least he has some redeeming moments in that movie.
- I really think appearing in a George Lucas film is like the kiss of death for good acting.
- I think I have shifted in favor of punching the costume designer.
- Oh you are kidding me. Georgie has put a modified Scuttle in the kitchen of some run-down diner, and he gives the Jedi pointers about poison darts.
- The coolest part of this movie, and the most beautiful, is the bit with the 12 ft. tall aliens who built the clones... and it doesn't last nearly long enough to make this film worth it.
- I totally hate the Anakin-Padme thing. They have about as much chemistry a rock and a cow. I can't buy it. He's still practically prepubescent in this film! Also, how can you love a guy who massacred an entire village?
- Second coolest, seismic charges. The only reason this movie exists: CGI.
- Lil' Boba Fett is a terrible actor.
- Speaking of bad actors? Ani's mother's death? Abysmal.
- Jedi can't cryyyyy.
- Is it just me, or is young C3P0 like a metallic Zazu?
- Whose bright idea was it to make the fly enemies speak in fart-language?
- This movie is stuffed to the gills with really, really bad puns.
- I really have a problem taking any villain named "Dooku" seriously.
- By the way, Count Dooku's light saber is bent. Has no one made a joke about this yet? 'Cause I will.
- Most of Anakin's first light saber fight was light flashing around faces. Laaaaaaame.
- Let's talk consistency. Apparently Yoda can speak in perfect English when he's giving orders in battle. I didn't know speech impediments were conditional.
- It never ceases to amaze me that Yoda is a total cripple who needs at least a cane if not a hovercraft for transportation... until his light saber is out. Then, he's a ninja jumping bean. Anyone care to explain that?
Revenge of the Sith Wanklist follows the same protocol as its predecessors.
- Mmmm. War. What a great way to start the movie. In case you'd forgotten, shit's goin' down.
- Ewan still looks really unfortunate with facial hair, and Hayden's new 'do isn't much better. Although, it is better than the neo-mullet-and-rat-tail combination he was sporting in the last film.
- How do robot's cough? Did I or did I not hear General Grievous with smoker's lung? As a follow-up, How can a robot that and coughs breathe in outer space?
- I have a question. Since when did the trade-federation peon voices change into the acting hands of dopey surfers?
- Okay, these transitions are getting out of hand. The four windows fading into black, the three divided fold... no. Not in a feature length film. We are not fiddling with Final Cut Pro here.
- AAAAAWWWEEEAAAWEEEEE...wut? Did they have to pay copyright dues to let the Wookies play Tarzan?
- The Jedi sure do lose their light sabers a lot. Shouldn't they have learned to install a wrist-tie or something?
- What has Amidala been doing all this time that no one has noticed she's preggers? Has she been skippin' the Senate meetings?
- I wonder if Samuel L intentionally goes for roles that require him to be a dick.
- This is really just a movie where you spend the entire time going "What the hell?! No! Don't do that! You fool!"
- I like how there's never a Wookie translation. We never, ever know what the hell Chewbacca is saying.
- I enjoy that this series has no regard for physics. Not only would there not be fire in space (see explosions on the decks and whatnot during battles), but no person or thing made of flesh or any melt-able material be able to be as close to molten lava as the Jedi and droids get.
- Yoda is cryptic, even with urgent matters. This is not helpful.
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ... LAWL! XD
Okay, I can't go on. I don't have it in me. I have an interview tomorrow.
Question of the Day: If you breathed like Darth Vader, would you go insane?
My answer: Yes, and very quickly.