Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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Heat Wave!

It's gettin' hot in here, so take of all yo' clothes.

Yikes. I hear tell it got up to 128 in Las Vegas the other day. Normally, I'd make a crack about global warming but I'm actually beginning to think of this as a positive. Why? Mainly because no one, and I mean no one will hold it against you if you begin to strip in public and just walk around naked.

I can already hear some of you saying, "but I don't want to see Mary McMondoburger or Wally S. Whopperthighs in the nude!" But hold up, think about it. Heat equals sweat, right? Sweat equals weight loss, right? So, if the temperature of the earth keeps sizzling like the sun, we will cure America's obesity problems. Then you'll have a lot of svelte silhouettes wearing only their God-given skins. Lookin' up right?

Although, don't get too excited about that because we already know it'd be too hot to ... well, y'know. Ella Fitzgerald taught me a long time ago that excessive heat out of doors effectively eliminates heat in the loins. Still, there are worse ways to get rid of the teen pregnancy problem.

Now to all of you in the "oh but the ice caps are melting" camp, I'd like you to consider this logic. The ice caps will melt into water, correct? Well that's great! Because when you're baking like an ant under a magnifying glass you will need to drink a crapload of it so you don't shrivel up like a raisin and/or burst into flames. I think you'll find that if we take the population of the earth, and increase their daily needed water intake, we'll be able to curb the impending flood all by ourselves. Although, we should probably look into more water treatment facilities.

The biggest problem will, of course, be the ever-present threat of hundred-acre wild fires. But really, you knew it was comin'. Robert Frost said so eons ago, and the Bible's been saying it for a couple thousand years. Fire and brimstone y'all. Until then, however, I suggest you go buy sunscreen. Sunscreen will be key in these end times.

This "silver-lining" report brought to you by Shelby, from the comfort of her air-conditioned living room.

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Tags: miscellany, news, rant
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