Dear Sir or Madam,
I believe we are in the same IDL class. I hope it is going well for you. Are you enjoying the literature thusfar? I would like to say that I am; however, I have not had access to said literature. In fact, I need to talk to you about that. You see, I'm sure you know that the book in question, as a core text, is rather important. I'm pleased to see that you are obviously more ahead of the game than I. I hope you're not stressing about the upcoming due dates, but I need you to understand that I am and it's all your fault.
You see, when I logged onto the library website and saw that the book was not checked out and available for loan, I was happy and looking forward to completing some coursework. I took down the call number, went to the proper section, but alas, the book was not in its home. I searched around, to see if it had been accidentally misplaced in the near vicinity, but no. I looked around the desks and tables to see if, perhaps, it had been left there. I checked the books which needed to be reshelved, but to no avail. I even solicited the help of a trained librarian, and she too was stumped.
It now appears we have a lost book. A search form has been filled out, and I am at a loss. So I am turning to you for help. I must know, where did you last see it? Was it alone? Was it cavorting with deviants? Should I notify the authorities? Or, perhaps did you hide it to protect it from some vile fate? Are you keeping it prisoner for purely personal use? Did you sneak it out of the library for sinister reasons? More importantly, where can I find it so that I can use it?
I assume, since you did not check it out, that you are through with it. I do not understand why, upon having finished with the text, you did not return it to its proper place? You are inconveniencing me horribly, so I humbly request that you please tell me of the book's whereabouts. If you are unable to do so or would like to retain your anonymity out of shame, then please, for God's sake, just put the book back so it'll be there tomorrow.
A Livid Library Patron
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Almost Ran Me Off the Road
I am glad that you employ the use of the turn signal. Many drivers these days ignore this communicative tool, but not you. No, you turned on your blinker, and began the merge with confidence and pride. You neglected to do one thing, however. You see, changing lanes is a process which involves not only communicating with your fellow motorists, but also observing your surroundings.
I'm sure by now, after the blaring horns and shocked swerving, that you are quite aware. I would simply like to request that from now on, you check your mirrors, turn on the appropriate blinker, and then check your blind spot - just in case.
An Open Letter to Carbs in General
I love you.
An Open Letter to My IDL Course
You get no salutation. You suck. Plz die.