Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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Father forgive me...

I really wanted to go to church this morning, and I woke up at 7 to go to the Chicago Folk Mass service... with a migraine to end all others. Intense pain, cracked vision, nausea, the works. It is now 1:00 p.m. and I just barely got out of bed 10 minutes ago.

I feel awful. Not health-wise, because I'm currently high on a lot of pain killers, but because I missed both services. I haven't been to church in over a month, and it really saddens me because the timer is running out for this church in its current sanctuary (they're closing their doors on October 27th). I have come to really care about this congregation, and I have invested a lot of time in this church - and was even offered to play trumpet for the Jazz Service, be a Sunday School teacher, or on the Design Team. I would be so honored to do any of those things, but logistically I just can't.

This is the first Sunday I haven't been working in a month, and I know for a fact once school starts I'll be working mostly weekends at FD. It breaks my heart to think I won't be able to attend. I have asked repeatedly to have Sunday mornings off, and go figure... the day I get it, my head KOs me. I hate that I didn't go today and I hate that I won't probably have another chance for awhile. I am so frustrated with myself because I feel that this church is special and I feel that I fit there, which is extremely important to me. I was raised Lutheran and always went to church and I liked it enough to not mind it, but I don't have the same attachment to my church in Wisconsin as I do to this one. I love this church, and I would fight for it. It's weird that it moves me so strongly, but it does. I miss it so much.

I don't like feeling that my "professional life" (school and the pissant jobs that get me through it) is superseding my spiritual life. I can't deny that it is, but I feel like I don't have a choice. If I can't afford to live then everything else is moot. I don't feel any less close to God, and I don't feel like my faith is slipping away, but I do feel like I'm being slowly separated from "the herd," if you will. It's not good. Especially if I want to write a story about this transition for the Lutheran... not good at all.

In other news, my couch is overrun with dog. I wish I had a camera, because both of these girls are being so goofy right now. Gucci is perched on the cushion next to me like a cat, and MJ keeps flopping all over my feet. :)

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Tags: g dawg, oh-em-gee fellowship
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