Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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Snakes On a Plane: The Initial Report


Seriously, I don't care if it was a 10:00 early release. Seeing this movie at the closest theater to campus was a really bad idea. Some of the best parts of the movie were completely drowned out by everyone hissing, which really wasn't clever 30 seconds into the movie, and really wasn't funny 20 35 80 minutes in. Also, standing up and clapping while screaming... really not necessary. Next time, I'm going to a motherfucking matinee.

So, the basic plot is... there are snakes. Poisonous snakes, to be exact. There is a plane. There is also a bad, bad man who is trying to kill a surfer boy who was unlucky enough to have seen the bad, bad man murder a prosecutor. There is Samuel L. Jackson and his partner, and they are in the FBI. There are two sexy stewardesses, and your general mish-mash of red-eye passengers. You have the pothead couple that wants to have sex in the bathroom, the black men are rappers, the english guy is an asshole, there's a ditzy girl with a palm pilot and a chihuahua in her purse, there's a mother with her baby, a couple newlyweds, two young brothers on their way to their mother's house, a crazy looking woman in a mu-mu... you get the picture.

Anyway, all assorted people get on the plane [with the exception of the bad, bad man]. They get on the plane with the snakes. Poisonous snakes of varying species and origin. Lots of snakes.

Now, it's a common misconception that snakes will attack just 'cause they feel like it. Thankfully, this movie actually stuck to the truth and tried to come up with a reason to make the snakes act all crazygonuts mean. They sprayed leis with "pheromones" to make the "motherfuckers go crazy."

It works, and let me tell you, this bit of film was very entertaining. The first people to die are the pot-head mile-high [ho ho! Double entendre!] club members. She gets bit right on the nipple, in fact. It is a very gratifying shot. The next guy to die happens to be peeing on a snake's head. The snake retaliates by biting the "other" snake. This is also a very gratifying shot.

The rest of the movie is basically all hell breaking loose and I'm not going to give you a complete blow-by-blow at this juncture [or maybe ever, it's not like this is groundbreaking cinema here]. It's a fun flick. Lots of people die. The shots from the snakes' point of view are pretty bitchin'. That is all ye know, and all ye need to know.

Although, I will say that the snakes in this movie behave in ways that even "snakes on crack" wouldn't do, i.e. bite other snakes? That's not how they roll. Snakes are attracted to heat... other snakes are cold blooded. They wouldn't even be able to see each other in all likelihood. Also, being that they are cold-blooded... they can only move quickly in the presence of heat. Especially foreign snakes from equatorial/desert climates. That's why you need to keep a heat rock in a snake terrarium, to accelerate their metabolism and heart rate. Without heat, the snakes would be moving extremely slowly, and in all probability, die of the cold (especially in an unheated cargo tank)... but it's Hollywood. I think I would've enjoyed it more if I hadn't owned snakes, and didn't know a damn thing about them. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time (minus the aforementioned irritations) but I am an incorrigible stickler for factual accuracy. Whatever. I'm pretty much over it.

I am still not over the theater full of douche-bags though. You guys have no idea how close I was to committing murder tonight. For the first time in my life, I actually threw my head back in the theater and screamed, "SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!" This is a new low. I almost left.

Anyway, there's a shitload of Samuel L, there's a minimal amount of romance, there's enough T&A for it to be an action movie, and Kenan is in the movie? You remember Kenan and Kel on Nickelodeon? Yeah. That one. I'm surprised he's around. He must have an amazing agent. Oh! And the guy that plays Champ in Anchorman is the perverted pilot, which was an amazing bit of casting, if I do say so myself.

Aaaand that's all I got for now. I really need to see it again in different environs. I did get a cool poster out of the deal though... So until next time, get these motherfuckin' snakes off my motherfuckin' plane!

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