Down poison. My stomach is disappearing. My life here is getting steadily more unpleasant. I am seperated from my world, my everything. All i exist for is out of my reach. I wish this all was just a bad dream spinning inside my lonely head. Wake me up in his arms and have this be but a memory. i'm living a nightmare. Overtired, emotionally exhausted, mentally preoccupied. Unable to shift my concentration. trying to delute myself is no longer an option. the injustice plagues my every thought. 2 hours is not enough, the memories, things crammed into those hours so wonderful. I can honestly say they were the happiest of my life. Now i am deprived of this, if others had their way i would be deprived of the slightest trace of a glimpse of happiness. To be with Ian would be to achieve Euphoria. Staying here is torture, and insured depression and longing for change. Change that will eventually come, but not fast enough. The world is blue, i live in the night. Thoughts are clearer then. Stare at the stars for lack of anything better to do. Babble for hours and write down this ceasless barage of thought. all surrounding one person. The longer i wait the more this urgency grows, implanted in my brain the need to be with him. He makes it better, the pain ceases whenever i talk with him, when i am with him i cant begin to describe, the feeling of warmth coursing through me, the comfort in his arms, the trust and beauty and adoration imbedded in this eyes, he certainty of his presence; just radiates this feeling of belonging, importance. Beyond the physical attraction, I am chained to him. Helpless but not wanting to be helped. I surrender. Chained, despite the distance between us. Chains tightening daily, every minute the need to be with him increases. I feel my soul is seperated from my body. My body is a shell, existing only because it can. Apathetic, ignoring all requests for maintaining health. mainly, sleep. Eating, hunger no longer effects me. My soul and heart are in another place, they are up in Ignace were i left them. a body cannot live without its heart, a person cannot be without their soul. I need him.