Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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News Roundup! Sucks to Be You Edition

I asked for a cinnamon latte, but the coffee house didn't have cinnamon syrup. I am a problem solver, and I just put Goldschlager in my coffee. I am made of win.

Sucks to Be You - Entertainment
- Ironically, I'll be kicking this off with Lindsay Lohan. It seems that the stalkerazzi and various other muckrakers are pasting pictures from her movie up all over the intarnets, and hundreds more people every day are now under the assumption that Lohan is actually making porn, and/or actually giving this guy head instead of shooting a scene for a movie. And seriously, whatever [this] is most emphatically not a real blow-job, because no guy's penis grows out of his mid thigh, and is still accessible through blue jeans. Don't ask me how I know...

- It kind of sucks to be this poor bastard, who is suing Disney over the first Pirates of the Caribbean now. Allegedly, Disney ganked Will Turner's character from a thing this guy wrote in 1980, and he's just really slow on the motherfuckin' uptake. Honestly, who sues years after the release of the film in question, after the sequel is out, the third is filmed, a fourth is in the works, and actually expects every copy of Curse of the Black Pearl to be destroyed? A dumb motherfucker, I think.

- Next on the list of people it Sucks to Be: Syd Barrett. 'Cause he's dead. Not much more to say about it, but I really liked the article. Anyway, Shane... this one's for you.

- It's about to really suck for this former American Idol contestant Daniel James "DJ" Boyd (from season five) if/when he gets nailed for child pornography and sent to federal prison for 40 years. It's a good thing he didn't win, 'cause that is not Idol behavior... unless you're Zeus. Whateva.

- This one really sucks. Jia Santos/Elize Jakubek, a Hungarian model who made it to the final three in Project Runway got hit by a bus on her way to the station. And when I say hit by a bus, I mean... dragged under said bus, which then fractured her skull and her eye-socket. Now, being hit by a motor-vehicle is bad enough, but when you make your living on how you look... it really sucks.

Sucks to Be You - Politics
- It also really sucks if You happen to live anywhere near Israel. They're not content to just bomb the ever-living shit out of Palestine, raid and oppress all those in the Gaza strip, now they've decided to blast the fuck out of Lebanon. I understand that they're an important ally for us, but seriously... how long are we going to let them declare war on all of their neighbors? I'm with Kuwait and Russia on this one. Israel has gone too far. Bush, of course, doesn't think Israel is doing anything wrong, and we all know he doesn't really care if it's another poor reflection on the dear 'ol U.S. of A...which it is.

- Continuing on this train, it sucks if you live in Iran 'cause apparently your country "aided" in the attack on Israel that launched the attack on Lebanon, and with any luck this will become a giant clusterfuck that involves the USA blowing everyone up. Especially since there's already that enriching uranium thing that's pissing off Bush and Putin. Srry, in advance.

- Speaking of Putin, it may or may not suck to be Russia. Bush won't let them into the WTO club. Putin says Russia doesn't want to be in his stupid violence-ridden club anyway. Yeeeah.

- This next one is tricky, because I can't figure out who it sucks to be quite yet. It either sucks to be Libby, Cheney, and Rove... or it sucks to be us. This trifecta of terribles has been subpoenaed in a civil suit started by Wilson and Plame. Are we seriously calling this Plamegate? I won't. This still doesn't mean we'll learn anything else, but at least in civil suits defendants have to show up, and there's more leeway with the questioning. It is possible, however, that Cheney can have the case thrown out. If he can't, it sucks for the trio of corruption. If he can, sucks for us.

Sucks to Be You - General
- It sucks to be Peter Coors, president of Coors Beer, lost his drivers license due to a DUI. Heh. Drink responsibly, indeed.

- It might suck to be living near the Mayon volcano in the Phillipines within the next couple weeks. Right now, it's just a "quiet eruption," which I think is a contradiction of terms... but it could blow up real good yet.

Jeez, there are a lot of people who it sucks to be today. I feel so much better about myself!

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