Green Beans! Carrots! Marital problems!
Rose and Bernard are bickering, and it is extremely cute. Bernard is extremely irritated because a pile of food plummeted inexplicably from above. He is also upset that the survivors on this side of the island are living comfortably instead of trying endlessly to get rescued.
We then cut to Locke, Master of the Button. He is trying to draw the little blue-pink map that popped up when he was being crushed by the blast door. Extremely unsuccessfully, I might add. He’s letting the doom counter run down before Jack reminds him to stop the infernal beeping, but we’re beginning to get the impression that he is losing faith in his mystery button.
Jack decides to “change the Other’s banages”/go talk to the Other. Ana, of course, watches authoritatively. Jack begins telling Not-Henry that his little prisoner trade idea was a good one, and that he plans to bravely march to the Line that Shall Not Be Crossed, and demand to trade Not-Henry for Walt. [Yeah, Walt. Not Walt and Michael. No Michael, because who remembers him anymore? I mean really…]
Not-Henry, sits still and stoic until the mention of Walt’s name. Then he psshaws and says creepily, “They’ll never give you Walt.”
DUN DUN DUNNNN!
Suddenly we have a spinning tire in about a foot of snow. Rose is stuck, and Bernard wanders up and tells her she ain’t doin’ it right. She snarks at him, saying she knows how to do it when she clearly doesn't. Bernard helps push her out, and promptly falls face-first into the snow. How very romantic-comedy of you, Lost writers.
After Bernard picks himself off the ground they decide to introduce themselves, and we realize that this is their first meeting. They’re about to part ways when Rose asks Bernard out to coffee. N’awww. The first date is set.
Cut to Bernard on the island! He is strolling with purpose and a manic grin. He asks Hurley to rally the troups! He’s all excited about his idea he’s got. Rose is a little nonplussed. Maybe Bernard is one of those crazy inventor people with piles of ludicrous ideas...
Back in Hatchyland, Ana is telling Jack that it’s not a good idea to go alone. She actually gives him her gun! Cold day in hell, I tell you what.
Speaking of hell, because the Kate and Sawyer bit is hell for me, there are the outcast-criminal-murdering-maybe-lovebir
Whatever. Back to Bernard. He's preaching to people about the NEED to be FOUND! Water troughs and pantries are the ultimate sign of acquiescence to the circumstance! We need to actively try to get home! Hurley points out that they did, in fact, build a ginormous raft that was blown up. Still, with planes flying and dropping parachutes of food, Bernard thinks everyone should help in building a giant SOS sign along the beach.
Rose isn’t so keen on this idea, and calls him out about giving false hope in front of everyone. That uh, didn’t go over so well.
So now would be a good time to revert to the flashback of luuurv! Rose and Bernard are at a very charming restaurant with a waterfall out the window! Her hair is ridiculously short, and she’s talking to Bernard about God. Suddenly, two violinists pop up out of thin air, Bernard takes a knee, and proposes after 5 months of dating and the sweetest proposition speech ever.
To which Rose responds, “Bernard, I’m dying. I’m sick, and I’m dying.”
The violins disappear. Bernard almost cries. The mood is officially killed. Rose has cancer, and about a year to live. Bernard still wants an answer, damnit. Yes or no, woman? The rest is, of course, history.
Back to the future (HAH), Bernard is trying to recruit Charlie and Eko, but they’re busy building a church. That’s right. A church. Bernard freaks the fuck out because he’s trying to save everyone! Eko reminds him that some people are saved in different ways. Bernard stomps off.
Locke, though equally as angsty, cannot stomp off because his leg is broked. He hobbles over to Not-Henry’s cell, and starts asking him about the numbers and whether or not he pushed the magic button. Henry is giving him the silent treatment, and Locke is getting really angreh. Not-Henry is getting creepy happy. That grin! Sooo creepy! Not cool.
Also not cool, all of Bernard’s help seems to have disappeared. Nevertheless, he tells the remaining crew that he plans on using black, volcanic rocks from about a half a mile inland so the ginormous letters contrast with the sand. His remaining helpers aren’t crazy about this idea.
Anyway,back to Rose and Bernard on their honeymoon. ‘Cept that Bernard was all tricksy about their outback honeymoon and brought Rose to a “faith healer.” Rose isn’t havin’ it. She’s made her peace with her condition, and is now really upset. They argue like pros for newliweds, but she humors him because she lurvs.
Real-time Rose is watching as Bernard’s plan falls to pieces. All but four of his helpers have abandoned him. She points out that he's kind of being a jerk to everyone involved. Therefore, they argue like a married couple. Imagine that... but this time there is no humoring. This time, there is snark. Rose walks away.
Kate and Jack are walking away as well. Kate is all, “Omg I’m back in the club!” Jack is all, “No. No you're not. I asked Sayid first, but he said no and Locke is lame at the moment. Basically, you're here because you can track, I know for certain that they don’t want you, and Analope told me not to go alone.”
Kate: “*grumble-grumble-rasafrassin-gru*'Oh… hey look, a doll!” *reach*
Jack: No, don’t! *runtackle*
Too late. The cord is pulled, and they end up in one of Crazy Rosseau’s patented net-traps. Mind you, they are very, very close to one another, and there is a lot of tension that has nothing to do with ropes and weight.
It’s extremely awkward, and for some reason they think they have to leave before Rosseau gets there. Not like… she hasn’t totally helped them a lot or anything. Although, I might fear a woman with a home-made crossbow too.
Whatever, it’s an excuse for Kate to pull the gun out of Jack’s pants. No lie. There’s a lot of little struggling noises, heavy breathing, faces disturbingly close to each other, and Kate’s hands groping around Jack’s ass. There are about 80 trillion fics begging to be written about this.
They proceed to try to shoot the rope. Kate and Jack start having a little shooting contest. Kate asserts that her hunting experience will help her, but she totally misses. Jack - being the hero - nails it, they fall to the ground, and Kate is on top. Just so you know.
Back to the beach, Bernard comes bitching out of the jungle because Jin, the lone helper at this point, is only making a single row of rocks, and he’s supposed to have three. Jin decides he’s had enough, and Bernard is all by his lonesome.
Holy sweet baby Jesus' bottom! Locke is out of the hatch! Hallelujah! He’s sitting on the beach, and Rose comes up to talk to him. He whines about being done with the Hatch. She tells him he’ll get over it. Unfortunately, she's probably right.
Locke: But Jack said it’ll take a month for me to even heal!
Rose: Bitch, please. Both you and I know it isn’t going to take that long.
Locke: Oh, oh yeah. Right. Island voodoo healing.
Me: Jigga what?
Flashback! We’re in the den of the faith healer, and there are crutches hanging from the ceiling, and "Thank You" cards lining his wall. The Faithy Guy comes out, and Rose makes it perfectly clear that she doesn’t believe this bullshit, thanks verreh much. The Faithy Guy, being a faithful healer, tells her that certain locations have certain magnetic qualities. Perhaps they’re geological, perhaps they’re the work of crazy scientists, or something else. Do we know? Nah. But Dude can harness it, and give it to others sometimes.
He puts his hands near Rose’s face, and she stares him down. He opens his eyes dramatically.
Dude: Sorry ma’am, no dice. Have your husband’s money back. Maybe try going to a place with different energies?
Rose: No way. I never wanted to come here in the first place. I’ll just tell him you fixed me and die later. No biggie.
Back in the jungle, it is typhooning on Jack and Kate. The conversation goes something like this.
Jack: How do you know the Others are sophisticated?
Kate: Well, we found another hatch with clothes, make-up kits, and a fake beard.
Jake: And you were planning on telling me this when?
Kate: When you let me back in the clique!
Jack: No way, kiddo. By the way, we’re here.
Kate: Jigga what?
Jack then proceeds to shout at/negotiate with the trees. Kate tries to talk some sense into him, but we all know that’s an exercise in futility.
Speaking of futility, Bernard is trying to build the sign by himself. Rose brought him some apology food. She tells Bernard that Faithy Guy didn’t fix her, and that she lied. HOWEVA, just because whats-his-butt didn’t heal her doesn't mean she hasn't been healed by the island!
(P.S. During her little flashback and present explaination montage Locke-on-Wheels picks up a bottle of her meds and hands it to her. So she knew he was all paralyzed! Dun dun dunnn!)
Bernard decides that there are worse places to be stranded with the wife you’ve been trying to save. They kiss, they cry, and it’s very romantic drama, Lost writers.
Back in the hatch, Locke is listening to some oldies when Ana walks in and tells him that she pressed “his” button. To which Locke replies that he has renounced his personal claim on the button. That ain’t gonna stop him from sitting by the machine and doodling the blue-pink projector image, though.
The music continues. The music montage returns! Charlie and Eko are starting to build the church! Jin is petting Sun’s stomach, and she looks extremely numb (uh oh). Speaking of beh-behs, Claire is smiling at turnip-head. Also, Hurley and Libby are making shadow, puppets. Sawyer feeds and pets Vincent! Bernard and Rose look at their rings and cuddle together! Love all around!
But it ain’t over yet! Jack and Kate are still at the line, and Jack is waiting for his voice to return so that he may taunt ze ahzers a second time-uh. Kate blurted out that she’s sorry she kissed him. Jack replies that he isn’t. They look as though they might kiss and make up – literally – when we hear a running in the woods! Oh Snap! There’s a single torch! Someone is coughing, and running towards them to the tune of a rabid drum beat.
Out of the brush falls a body, which turns out to be Michael. He lays unconscious at their feet and looks reeeally fucked up.
And THAT is the note they decide to leave us on. Punks.
And there you have it.
Rose & Bernard backstory!
Jack & Kate goes off to propose a prisoner trade!
Rose & Bernard backstory!
Jack & Kate get caught in a Crazy Rosseau trap!
Rose & Bernard backstory!
Rose & Locke bond!
Jack screams and screams until Michael plops out of the jungle!