Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex
virtuistic

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News Roundup! Academy Awards Edition!

Because it simply had to be done, I compiled the following:

Elton John Academy Awards AIDS Party Picspam, and a slightly obscene Best Of's list.
*Mind you, the captions for these pictures are awful. There's been some gender confusion and apparently Lindsay Lohan is actually more than one person. She's labeled as "actresses." Who knew?

Best Whore: For 8 frillion years running, all other sex icons have been eclipsed by Pamela Anderson's breasts. (The rest of the outfit? Total shit. Oh well! No one paid attention to it anyway...) Oh, and what a surprise, she isn't wearing a bra, yet they miraculously hold up on their own! Really, it's magical. Dazzling, even.

Best Grimace: Speaking of dazzling, the award goes to Michelle Rodriguez. I can't really tell if she's smiling or simply baring her teeth. Either way, she's wearing a stupid dress and she's been in stupid movies and she plays Ana Lucia in Lost and I HATE HER. *ahem* Moving on.

Best Short Guy: Willem Dafoe. Hands down. He wins, and I love him. His wife, on the other hand, is in desperate need of a make-over.

Best Loving Couple: A mi, c'est l'amour!

Best Unexpected Appearance(s): Definitely the Olympians.

Best Expected Attendee: Hellooooo. Oh, come on. Don't even act surprised.

Best Scary Guy: Okay, I know the guy's a legend, but Van Halen has one terrifying smile. Yowza. Someone get him a toothbrush, stat.

Best Hoax: Just read the caption, then you'll understand. Hilarious. Well played, caption writer!

Best Horrific Hair-do: Excuse me, but who left Sharon Stone in the 80's? Not nice...

And finally,
Best Reason to Kill a Bird: Two words: "Peacock Hilton." It's gloriously awful.

-----------------------------------------------------

News Roundup!

"Let's do some politickin'!"
- This is probably one of the most directly political things you will ever hear me say, unless you're muhnipul8a, my father, or happen to be around me during an election year... but some people really don't know when to quit. Feel free to discuss this with me, if you like.

- I can't even edit this headline, it's so good. Is Texas ready for Governor Kinky? Heh... and you thought Boehner was bad. [By the way, it's totally pronounced "boner." I don't care what anyone says.] Country singer and mystery novelist. He would totally get my vote.

- An excersize in futility for Women's Reproductive Rights. *le sigh* Oh SoDak, what am I going to do with you?

- Lesbian becomes Homecoming King, Controversy ensues. I for one, love this article. I still think Homecoming celebrations are bogus... but this is really interesting, and I don't quite know what I make of it yet.


Local-ish News
- Requiscat In Pace, Kirby Puckett. Memorial information can be found at this link.

- ZOMG! Our new "high-tech" library is opening in 74 days! *squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!*


"The Germans have Always Eaten People" - Grim Rita
- Well, the Germans themselves might be taking a break this week, but their pigs aren't. Ew.

- Nevermind, it seems a drunken German hearse-driver got a hankering for a mouthful of police officer. Those crazy Germans, I tell ya.


Semi-Apocalyptica
- Beware! Should the sun explode it will probably disrupt your communication system.

- No rly, though... The end is like, so nigh for Naples. Evidently, Mount Vesuvius - the dangerous volcano that killed everything within a 15 mile radius - is just a ticking time-bomb of doom. All I can say is, "Dude... v-o-l-c-a-n-o." Clearly, someone missed that episode of Bill Nye.


Healthy Living
- Allergic to peanuts? Then make like you have mono and don't kiss anyone ever again. Really, it's for your own good... and I'm sorry.

- Also, sushi is now apparently more dangerous! Besides the threat of food poisoning from raw seafood, now you can freak out about the mercury content in said raw seafood! Me? I don't care. I'm gettin' me a caterpillar roll. Mmmm, unagi.

- While Japanese food may be bad for you, Japanese video games may help you train your brain and improve your memory! Hospitals are evidently supporting this...

- 16-year-old girl's prosthetic leg keeps running off on its own... police are baffled.


Tek-gnaw-low-gee
- Hacker Cracks Mac in 30 Minutes Flat... Blast! Why they gotta be like that? I had this utopian vision of buying a Mac and being free from computer worries for the rest of my life! Now it's obliterated. Thanks, 733t |-|@X0rs. Thanks.


Entertainment

- Madonna's Daughter Developing Gaydar. She even aimed it at Mommy, which is a riot. Clearly her daughter is unfamiliar with her mothers previous works... for now.

- The Razzies are in! Cruise and Holmes are "most tiresome." Oh, it's such a sweet burn. Wait... they mocked Hayden's masterful portrayal of Darth? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ... OOOOOOOOOO ... ad infinitum.

- Macaulay Culkin hits quarter life crisis, and whines about being an out of work actor. Hee! Also, even though he testified for him, he's not close to Michael Jackson. They only "talk" *cough*bootycall*cough* twice a year. He is also not crazy. Even if you read his semiautobiographical book and think it sounds crazy, he is most emphatically not crazy. ... k.

- Jacko on the otherhand? Batshit psycho. Look out, Jermain.

- Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell know just how to celebrate on a charity trip honoring Nelson Mandela. They buy 30 grams of cocaine for a single night of drugged out lesbian romp! Way to go, ladies. *Thumbs up*

- Yanni was rrested during alleged domestic dispute... and that is a really lame episode of COPS right there in the article. Congrats, AP.

- Playboy is going to wrestle Jessica Alba, it seems. I bet it ain't gonna be pretty.


Fin!


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Tags: assorted hilarity, local news, news roundup, squee!, wtf
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