Top Five Things You Suck At Right Now
1)Sleeping. I dont know how or why, but my insomnia seems to have come back. I think I might have psychosomaticized myself into it with my frustration with sleep and the way it seems like such a horrible waste of our short lives. Still, even when I need to go to sleep and even when I'm tired and I want to go to sleep I totally can't. I just lie in my bed, staring at the cieling after I've given up reading because my eyes hurt, and then finally falling asleep at some godforsaken hour of the morning. Which brings me to the next thing I suck at...
2)Waking up. It follows. When I finally get to sleep, my body wants to sleep and it doesn't feel inclined to listen to my brain screaming at it because there's so much shit to do. Granted, I am not a morning person. Never have been. Still, I used to be able to wake up at 4 a.m. and stumble blearily to the bathroom to fumble with my contacts for five minutes, then tumble into the shower and shock myself into some form of reality, however diluted. In high school I was at school every day at 7:30 on the dot. Now? I can hardly drag myself out of bed for CommLaw at 8:15, but there are other reasons for that besides the early. Which brings me to the next thing I suck at...
3) Going to and reading for CommLaw. I know, I know! I just can't, OK? That woman is a bitch and the TA is a bitch and the material is as boring as my uncle Laveral's sock collection! Plus, it's at 8:15 in the morning and I can't be arsed to suffer bitches that early in the day. It starts me off on the wrong foot and before you know it, SHELBY SMASH! and I'm off gnashing my teeth at strangers and calling for the apocalypse. Even when I do temporarily lose my mind and forget that I have a soul that fears God and actually go to class ... I just sit there and do the crossword in the Daily because I probably fell asleep doing the readings for class the night before. On average, I fall asleep once per page when reading that book. The court cases aren't so bad, but awkward syntax does not a lawyer make! And it definitely doesn't make me want to read it so instead I sit there wondering, "Why me, oh God?" when of course God has nothing to do with this. It's Chris Ison's fault for telling me it'd be a good idea to have this on my transcript and I bought it. I wonder if it isn't some big inside jokein the J-school, because the class is total bullshit. I am going to fail the midterm and probably the final because even though I've read the cases, I can't remember them for more than 5 minutes and I probably didn't read them through in one go because I probably fell asleep, and I definitely didn't read anything other than the cases, and I never went to class because I dont like mean people.
4) Staying Hydrated. This sounds stupid, and it is, but I really don't drink. I don't know how or why but I've always been like this. Even when I was a kid, I never finished my milk and I left soda cans half-empty because I am never thirsty. When I am, it always comes as a shock, like, "Holy shit! I'm actually thirsty! That never happens! OMG I just drank two glasses of water? What is going on here?!" I don't know what it is, I just don't feel the need to drink often. I get hungry like normal people, but thirsty? Neh. If I want something to drink, it's generally all about the taste. Still, this is very, very bad because when I get sick I get really sick and the they have to hook me up to needles and IV's and pump 9 liters of fluid into me. No joke, this has happened. Just think about that, long and hard. 4 2 liter bottles. In through my hand, through a baby IV because I got sick and I'm too much of an idiot to realize that I should be drinking 8 glasses of water a day, when I probably average about 2.5. I'm looking at my hand right now, and my veins are inverted. I just drank two glasses of water. I am thirsty.
5) Standing up to my Mother. I need to make a stand, but that seems impossible since she's holding all the guns. If she or my father doesn't write me that $600 check every month, I'm fucked. I'd be evicted, I'd be out of starved, I'd be out of school. Fucked. I'll be damned If I'm ever going back to Cambridge to live. I would seriously choose death if I had to stay there for any extended period of time. Still, I have no money right now. I haven't been able to get a job even though I've been applying because of my ridiculous school schedule and because no business in the history of forever has ever had problems finding people to work on weekends, which is the only time I can work. I'm trying, but I've got a massive credit-card balance and I really need to get it paid and it's going to take a long, long time and a lot of money that I do not have and will not have if she keeps pulling shit like she is lately. When I came to school, we had an agreement. I would take out loans for my education and they would help me with whatever was left over on the condition that I pay them back. Fine. So this past semester, I got an extra 66 dollars left over from my loans that transferred into my account. She decided that should go to my tuition for books and whatnot. I thought 66 more dollars toward the food that we don't have. We got in a huge fight, like always. She told me that I'm ungrateful, that I'm using them, that I'm abusing the agreement and things just escalated from there. Mind you, I have never asked her for more money. I have asked her to float me a loan, and I've paid back that almost immediately, as in - within a week. Still, what was a dispute over 66 dollars ended up being me paying 150 dollars, and I don't know how. She sent me a snarky e-mail saying that she thinks it's more than fair and she's not going to negotiate. I paid it, and now I don't know what in the living fuck I'm going to do for my credit card bill. So. That needs to stop.
Whew. Glad to get that off my chest. Now I'm off to Rarig!