Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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Magazine Diagnoses...

Y'know how health stories in magazines about a disease or disorder are always written to make you feel like you've got whatever it is they're writing about? You can sit down in a perfectly tranquil mood and be in peak physical condition, but when you pick up the article and read the vague potential symptoms, suddenly you're diabetic or schizotypal or you've contracted lupus or malaria? I was reading one such article during class and I was really connecting with the initial anecdote: Journalist thrives on change, running all over town, pays bills late because he can't be arsed to deal with boring obligations, hates being bored. Yeah. Check. Sounds normal. Robert suffers from ADD. Oh snap!

The rest is just hilarious, not because I might have it (and trust me, even I know I probably do), but because the rest of the article is so emo and vague and stupid.

"I guess people with ADD, at least my kind, are always on the verge of a funeral."

"...his adult life can be summed up as one big thistle."

"... concealing a hidden, foul, rag-and-bone shop of disorder."

"Adults with ADD tend to self-medicate with cigarettes, caffeine, and adrenaline.
I thought that was just the journalist's standard diet? Caffeine, nicotine, panic, and vodka? Bryan, back me up on this.

"It had always been really hard for me to do laundry."

... uh?

Minus the fact that caffeine consumption effectively includes every single person in the United States of America, there are ways to tell if you, yes you, have ADD. Apparently their are loads of warning signs. You know, the usual...for kids you got your tobacco use, illicit drug use, teen pregnancy, doodling. For adults you got the STDs, low self-esteem, being blunt in conversation, having few or no friends, speeding while driving.

Wait...what? These don't even make sense! If you can show me someone that has never ever been "speeding while driving" in their life, I will show show you someone who is genuinely surprised.

I'm not saying ADD isn't a serious problem for some people, but these "warning signs" are bogus! Plus, anecdote man is doing fine! He has a job that plays into his ADD. He thrives on the adrenaline and does well (panic is our collective muse). This is hopeful! So what do they do?

They interview an unemployed, alcoholic divorcee and his nine year old daughter. Dare I say, emo?

I know a couple people that have adult ADD. My brother, for example. It's hard, and I'm not making light of it... but this article is goddamn ridonkulous. To me, it doesn't seem that odd when people don't feel inclined to do what doesn't interest or engage them. I don't think anyone does. I'm not shocked when people say their suburban lives are boring. I'd bet good money they are most of the time. I spent 18 years of my life in little suburban shithole towns that bored me beyond sanity. We did stupid things. We lit things on fire. We sped around the country. Does that mean we all have ADD? No. Does it mean that we're going to live our lives in a melodramatic, socially and financially awkward, shame and insecurity ridden state for ever and ever amen? Maybe, but probably just because that's normal.

Anyway, in the grand scheme of things there's no reason to worry. The article told me that a great many historical figures had ADD-ish tendencies, and probably ADD in full swing. People like "the messy and disorganized Ben Franklin" and "the wildly impulsive and distractible Winston Churchill." Also, Socrates, Isaac Newton, Leonardo da Vinci... wait... actually almost any genius of note. Bill Clinton even (One of these things is not like the others...). Anyway, the salient point here is this article is ludicrous, and even if we have ADD it's only because we're brilliant.

Hey! Grapefruit! Delicious. *wink*

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