Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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If you didn't catch the Olympic Festivities... here's what you missed.

Realtime reporting on this... spectacle. We tuned in late, but just in time to become horribly confused.

faithlynnteh_flatmate: I tune in for cracked out Italian pop stars, and I get The Birth of Venus?!? A re-enactment of a famous Botticelli painting?!

Yes. That and so much more. Not even joking... We got moon-balloons with faces on them lifting the "wind spirits", there's is a supermodel inside an oyster, and giant poodle-women in massively poofy skirts on the perimeter of the Olympic stage. What the fuck is going on here?

For real, they played songs like YMCA, and Walking on Sunshine, and various and sundry other horrible pop songs from 20-30 years ago while all the athletes marched in. Afterward, there were men in medeival clothing waving flags about, and more men in tights throwing flags about, and I am extremely confused by this spectacle because now there are fireworks shooting off the back of men, the stage, and just about everything else. Has this transformed into an 80's rock concert?

It gets better, though! We got blow torches now! And a man dancing in a cracked out top hat! Apparently it's a dance about futurism? Well, it fuckin' better be, because there are romote controlled statues, stripping (there was a mohawk under his top-hat), and pounding, pounding techno music.

Jesus fuck, they're doing a pit-stop on a Ferrari now. What? Then it escaped, and now it's howling and burning rubber and whipping shitties on the Olympic stage. The Americans are very happy about this. Honestly, humans are incredibly stupid sometimes.

The next bit goes something like this: Italian italian italian italian Our City Rules and Your Mother's a Whore - italian italian italian - NO STEROIDS - italian italian italian - FUTURE GENERATIONS - italian italian italian italian OLYMPIC GLOREH - italian italian italian LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

Translation: IT'S ON, BITCHES!

Why is it that all Italian men look the same after 60? Why is Susan Sarandon assisting in the carrying of the Olympic flag?

Anyway, it took them 25 years to get the flag up on the damn pole.

faithlynnteh_flatmate: *whining* I want cracked out pop stars! When does the party start?

Anyway, after a commercial of a guy swan-diving into a dumpster, we get the Olympic ART. Yon Olympic choir and band are hiding behind a mesh curtain ... to keep them from escaping? Some attractive Italian skiier takes the Olympic oath for every athelete present. His voice is sexy.

Suddenly, there are 28 acrobats climbing up the aforementioned vertical mesh thing. They look like spiders, or lice - because they're all dressed in very shiny white. Humans look really weird when they're up in the air. We're actually getting an almost overhead view? Because they're kind of standing sideways at us, and they look remarkably insect-like. It's very interesting, but notably bizarre. They're forming a dove, though and it's very... uh, avian.

Up next, the "So Called Peace Poem" (that's how NBC announced it. No lie.) as recited by Yoko fucking Ono. That's right. John Lennon's widow. The poem sucks. It is littered with cliches, and there are no poetic elements. It's so bad Hallmark would reject it. There's Disney-esque tinkly dream music behind and her horrifying accent, and vapid words.

Afterward, they let Peter Gabriel sing "Imagine." It's also bad. Jesus... and this is one of my favorite songs. Ow. Please make it stop. Peter needs to pick an octave and stick with it. Also, it seems Pete could not afford a stylist. He is wearing a coat and a skull cap. The violinists are laughing. He doesn't even look like he's enjoying the song, and definitely doesn't look like a dreamer. He looks like he's about to go mug someone. All the athletes are hugging and swaying. N'awww.

I learn a lot from commercials. Evidently "holes" are the key Tylenol's success. There are holes in that there pill. Also... Holy CGI Car-on-top-of-a-mountain, Batman. Way to go, Chevy.

Oooooo! It's finally the brandishing of flame and lighting of the "Olympic Cauldron!" Now they've got the beautiful, stylish, modern torch! It's held first by a "charismatic, playboy skiier" and handed off to a quartet of italian cross-country relay runners, then handed off to a guy that won a medal in the 70's for skiing, then to a lovely alpine skiier, and finally handed off to "the most decorated italian olympian ever." This one has won 10 olympic medals, and man... props to her.

The Cauldron, however, is not a cauldron. It is a third of a circle, poking up out of the stage. Super-mega-olympian woman pokes it... and fireworks go off all over the place, and the cinders light a double-helix spirally thing which is also not a cauldron. It's DNA shaped gas jets, but it's very pretty. And inspirational. Mmmf.

Evidently, there's a final surprise after the commercial. We all know what Faith wants.

The surprise? Puccini being sung by Pavarotti, and he looks vaguely sinister. I think it's because he's just a large, large Italian man with massive black eyebrows, facial hair, and he's definitely wearing a cape. He's got a beautiful voice (understatement of the millenium), and he looks like he's going to cry (he's got his hanky all ready and everythang). I'm afraid that the chandelier above his head is going to fall on him. Luckily, it doesn't. They do blow shit up all around the ginormous stadium. They are doing spirally waves of fireworks. Italian fireworks are not like American fireworks, though. They have the same color goin' off continously, or waves around the stadium. It's lovely, though. The 80's ballad they start playing as the 2 million people start filing out of the stadium, not so lovely.

The recap gives Faith what she wanted. It's very inspirational, and we apparently didn't miss much in the first 2 hours. We did miss a fiery-demon-smash-anvil-with-giant-hammer dance, but I'm willing to cope with that.

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Tags: olympics, recap, tee vee, teh flatmate, wtf
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