Top 5 Things You Would Rather Eat Glass Than Ever Do Again
1. Middle school. You could not pay me any sum of money to go through that ever again. It's the most socially and physically awkward time of anyone's life. Puberty is not a pleasant experience under any circumstance, and I think it's cruel that people actually have to interact with one another during this period of one's life. The insecurity is soul crushing. A constant barrage of "why don't I have boobs?", "Why do I still not have boobs when she does?", "Why is that guy covering his crotch with a book?" Oh! And writing notes like this! And the catty hormone induced wankfests! I swear I spent a quarter of my middle school career in the guidance counselor's office listening to someone cry about what someone else said about their make-up, outfit, or goldfish. It was hell on jets.
2. Hear the song 'Santa Baby', especially when sung by 8 year olds. I am not even joking and I have a witness, damn it all. At the freakin' Mall of America there was this all girl choir of about 16 girls that looked between 8 and 12 and they were singing Santa Baby, which is the sluttiest slut song in the entire history of sluttery. Even professional prostitutes blush when they hear this song, it's that bad. If you haven't heard it, don't. It's just a filthy harlot seducing Santa to get more bling. Santa, y'all! Do you know how old the Santa story is? Do you know how much viagra that would take? No. Just... no.
3. Do Laundry. I loathe laundry. It takes forever and it's never done and I always wait until I have absolutely no clean socks left and then I borrow socks from Faith until I have no clean underwear left and then sometimes I'll resort to swimsuit bottoms and when those are gone I'll break down and do the laundry because it's already shameful enough. But at that point, there's a giant mountain of it to conquer and it takes all day in half hour and hour increments and then I have fold things to try to fit it all into my drawers and closet and ... no. Just... no.
4. Work for Stryden! I am not for misleading people in order to get them to come to your job fair, then suckering them into an interview, shattering their hopes, and roping them in to a shitty job that they never wanted in the first place. Then trying to pacify them when their paychecks weren't printed... and then suddenly my hours were cut, the fax machine was taken, my admin account was frozen so I couldn't even do my job. My computer didn't have Word, Powerpoint, or anything. After that my paychecks weren't being printed but I was still expected to come to work. I'm still missing the last check actually. This company is so shady. They changed their phone numbers, headquarters address, and it took me a long time to track them down last week, but I have every intention of taking them to court if I don't get my last paycheck tomorrow.
5. Having the 'I Only Like You as a Friend' Talk. No matter what happens, I always end up feeling like a horrible asshole. I always just try to be honest and stay firm while simultaneously trying to be understanding and kind. Yet, I always leave feeling like a cold, heartless bitch. I get really irritated too when the issue wont be dropped, or when it resurrects. It's a horribly awkward position to be in, and I am never in favor. Eat glass, I say!
:) So! What're yours?