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Huzzah!

In lieu of the triumphant return of my favorite shows, Invasion recap! With absolutely no ado whatsoever, I give you:


Invasion 1:7 - “Fish Story”

We start off in flashback land. Our dear friend Shaun is employing a method called priming; setting the stage, if you will. It basically ensures that we remember and resume our previous state of OMGWTFLARKINCRASH!

And so… from last episode

Larkin is driving through a torrential downpour, and looks surprisingly akin to a scared rabbit. She checks her mirror to discover that there is a rather familiar looking black Lincoln behind her, and begins to freak out. She quickly decides to off road it and see if they follow her - which they do. This ends up being a severely bad decision. She’s driving way too fast for this road. She takes a moment to look behind her, and they’re definitely still there. When she turns back to the road she narrowly misses a tree stump the size of Texas, swerves, and her car goes f-l-y-i-n-g. I mean airborne.

It flies. It spins, tumbling through the air. She screams in terror, but we can’t hear it because of the SMASH. We see what looks like water, and hear a sickening crash of glass. Her car ends up on its side and slides toward a tree, misses the tree, slides through the mud and comes to a stop, resting in about a foot or so of water from the local pond shore. Oh dayumn.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Dave is snarking because they were so close I mean, they almost caught one, man! They were right on the edge!

Dave: Jesse, you danced with a real, live E.B.E.
Russell: It was a fish.
Us: Oh for the love of…
Radio: Hey Russ, this is the next plot point calling this is Larkin’s boss-man. I’m waiting for her at the local pond shore. So far she’s a no show and I’m about to fire her ass.
Russell: Well she left an hour ago, but we’ll try to get a hold of her.
Dave: “Maybe she hit some bad road…”

Dave is, as always, very astute. We are taken back to Bad Road on Pond Shore, where Larkin has just woken up. She seems mostly undamaged, except her brain has clearly been addled because she can’t seem to get out of her seatbelt .Through some miracle, the radio still works and isn’t submerged in the water that’s slowly eking into the car. However, she, due to seatbelt constraint, can’t reach it to respond. We do get a really good grimace-shot of her ridiculously straight and pearly white teeth, though.

Anyway, because there is no response our recently returned though not-so-conquering heroes Russell and Dave go right from one adventure straight into Operation Find Larkin.

Speaking of Larkin, she is trying to pry her seatbelt free, quite unsuccessfully. After breaking her ignition key, she opts to smash the everliving shit out of her rearview mirror in an attempt to cut the seatbelt off. As if anyone couldn’t see it coming, she cuts herself in the process. She’s got guts though, and sticks to it, despite the blood running down her hand.

In an attempt to locate his pretty little wifelet, Russel has enlisted the help of Sheriff McAlien in Operation Find Larkin. This may or may not be a good thing, but it seems shady. Especially when Tom busts out the alternate radio, clicks it to speak, sighs dramatically, and then doesn’t speak. Oh suspense, you are mine enemy. Also, holy CGI everglades, Batman!

Meanwhile, Russell looks very concerned, and Dave decides this would be a good time to up the ante.

Dave: Oh, uh… by the way. Larkin thought she was being followed, and spied on, and uh, stuff.
Russell: Jigga what, now?
Dave: Well, she was sneaking around that Air Force base…
Russell: Oh for the love of… is everything a military conspiracy with you?
Dave: …Yes.

More radio-communication ensues, still no sign of – Hey! There she is! Still sawing away at that seatbelt. Well, at least we know where she is. Russell tries to radio her again (and sounds ridiculously nonchalant and noncommittal about the whole thing – listen to it. He’s using the same tone one would expect to hear from a man giving a lecture on the flight patterns of dust particles), but she still is restrained. Instead, she shouts at it from across the car. Thumbs up, kiddo. Two points for effort. Or total frustration. Whichever.

Suddenly, however, we hear wheels and someone is clearly trying to shove Larkin and her car off of the local pond shore and into the local pond. At this point, she decides that she is done, and means business. She kicks out the windshield and her shoe flies off, which is pretty hardcore. She then returns to sawing feverishly at the seatbelt while the water level rises. She hasn’t even begun to cut the belt, and things are not looking optimistic.

Things aren’t looking optimistic for Jesse at the Ranger Ranch either. He’s stuck playing the role of angsty teenager when Mommy Mariel shows up with Kira, Rose, and a mind to keep Jesse company and help him deal with any worries he may have. She’s even going to make him breakfast. Man, what a bitch. *cough*

Anyway, Mariel goes inside to make Jesse an omelet-o-angst and our boys Dave and Russell continue driving ever onward through the torrential downpour. For real, how anyone can actually drive in this weather is beyond me, but Russell can apparently do it with the greatest of ease because despite the pouring rain his spider senses point him to the broken gate leading to Bad Road on Pond Shore.

They drive down and find Larkin’s car, which is surprisingly not as submerged as I thought it would be. There is rain and sunshine and the show title! Dun dun dunnnnnn!

Suddenly, the rain has ceased, the music is dramatic, and Sheriff McAlien arrives at the scene. Dave obviouses that McAlien is there, and that Larkin isn’t there while Russell climbs out of the car, radio in hand. Why Larkin didn’t grab it, I don’t know. Tom speaks protocol, Russell reminds everyone and their dog for the umpteen trilliojillianth time that Larkin is, in fact pregnant, and due to the recent horrific looking car accident could be hurt. He then scampers off into the forest with Dave in stride, leaving McAlien to deal with the vehicle smash.

Russell shouts for La – Oh! There she is! Wet, hobbling through the ‘glades, and looking very miserable. She is barefoot and bloody when she notices a car in the middle of the freaking forest. I don’t know what makes her think this is a good sign, because there is no road, you can’t see in the windows, it’s covered in branches and brush, and it’s clearly been there a long, long time.

She starts wiping away weeks of grime from the windows and pauses. The camera quickly focuses on a stick that has pierced through the windshield, and before we can avert our eyes we see the most disgusting fly-ridden corpse that has ever been shown on television. For real, I think I smell it through the screen, and I might throw up. Larkin looks as if she might as well.

Back in the kitchen of angst, the sisters are trying to get Jesse to join in the family breakfast by employing copious amounts of loaded dialogue. Rose takes this moment to bring up the divorce, and Jesse sulks, gets lectured by Kira, then whines at Kira, then screams at Kira, then gets consumptive and tragic, and finally stalks away. Oh the angst, it bleeds.

Anyway, the Russ and Dave are discussing tactics of Operation Find Larkin:

Dave: Why wouldn’t she stay by the car?
Russell: “Maybe she couldn’t wait.”
Dave: Aha! See! The military was following her!
Russell: She’s pregnant, Dave.
Dave: DUDE! We know!

What we don’t know, however, is that Russell has been following the Larkin-track trail for about 50 yards. He finds her shoe, and jogs off to find he – Hey! There she is!

Oh Sweet Mother of God, no! Please tell me she didn’t just smash in a window of the rotting-corpse-mobile? Oh my god, she did. She gags, I gag. So. disgusting. OMG. Again with the smelling it through the TV. I have a limit for enjoying realism, guys. This has crossed that line.

I can’t believe I’m watching this. You can hear the flies feasting on this man’s body. Larkin has open wounds and yet she is sticking her hand inside a vehicle that is literally crawling with death, disease, extreme gross, and decay. She unlocks the door and pulls back. My inner monologue is running something like this: I think I am going to puke. I think I hate ABC. Oh God, make it stop. I just got done watching LOST, so I’m perfectly ok with the body turning into a bunny anytime… just don’t let her touch it.

She opens the door. She’s going to touch it. There is a massive stick impaling his ribcage. There happens to be an air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. I don’t think it’s helping any. Suddenly the camera is behind his head and we have to stare at his decayed ear for a good 5 seconds. May I reiterate that this show is gross?

She stares intently at him, and we know what she’s thinking. If she can just get this man out of the car, she might be able to sit herself down on the disease ridden corpse-juice soaked seat, steal the fly-infested death-mobile and drive herself and her unborn Cuban child to the hospital. Maternal instincts and adrenaline are not things to truck with.

I almost can’t believe they filmed this and Larkin seriously deserves an award for this, even if I spent the entire sequence curled into a fetal ball and trying desperately to retain my supper.

She climbs onto the hood when something happens in her uterus and she gets all crazy in the eyes. With more determination, she grabs the stick and pulls it out of the corpse and they show it come out of his body. Gross.

She climbs off the hood, something re-happens in her uterus and things are really getting serious now. She works herself up to grabbing the guy’s shirt and screaming, she yanks him violently from the vehicle and starts crying. Gross!

Someone at ABC is a sweet, blessed, merciful soul because we don’t have to see her climb over his body to get into the seat. She tries the ignition, but the car is dead. She is very upset, and rightfully so, considering what she just went through. She sits - open wounds and all - in the corpse chair and seems to be thinking over her situation – or loosing hope. Possibly both, I can’t tell. When she looks down at her bloodied leg, and then at the dead man’s boots. I’ve said it enough, but open wounds and disease and decay y’all. Not good.

Our boys seem to be only minutes behind her, because a scene later they come upon the corpse mobile. We see the body for –hopefully – the last time as the boys take in the scene of total, disgusting desperation. The camera shows us his feet, which are – you guessed it – shoeless, decayed and gooey in several areas. Gross!! There is also fresh blood on the car, and Russell quickly finds her extremely fresh tracks and hurries off, hot on the trail.

We then switch to Larkin, who is in the process of discontinuing her trail making and attempting to hitchhike her way to a hospital. That something is still happening in her uterus, and she is shouting at the passing truck. She explains her situation and begs for a ride.

Feeshehrmahn (say it out loud, it makes sense. I promise.) say “No”.
Larkin say something along the lines of: “Fuck you. I’m pregnant and I just got chased off the road, shoved into a pond, wandered shoeless through the forest, had to touch a corpse that’s been rotting in a sealed car in the blistering heat of the everglades for weeks, and there’s something going that I don’t understand happening in my uterus. You will drive me to a hospital now, bitch.”
Feeshehrmahn say: “Eep.”

He then coyly hides the bloody knife casually lying in the floor of his truck under his seat, and begins to drive her to the hospital.

Larkin is clinging to the window, breathing heavily. She snarks about the smell, which Feeshehrmahn explains with a single word, “fish.” (Jigga what, now?! You just broke into a rotting corpse mobile and the smell of fish is offensive to you?!?)

Feeshehrmahn tells her that he cannot actually take her to the hospital, and will be dropping her off at the main road which spells Trouble with a capitol T. I’m connecting the bloody blade with that cooler and the “smell” and the in-town being closer to the authorities… bottom line being that Larkin would probably be better off jogging to town. (…But in the previews he looked so nice and helpful!)

Larkin, however, thinks she’d be better off explaining her case. Feeshehrmahn isn’t persuaded, but looks a bit guilty. Or murderous. Whichever.

Russell and Dave are still apparently only minutes behind, and radioing Sheriff McAlien. They let him know about rotting corpse man and Russell is apparently having his truck delivered to him. Must be nice having a Russmobile that brings itself to you. He can be added to the ranks of heroes such as Batman now.

Russell requests back-up from McAlien, who seems to acquiesce. He picks up the other radio and looks official… still, we don’t hear him actually say anything and I still don’t trust the man. After all, his mind is on an alien spaceship.

Back at the ranch, Jesse has his angst-omelet and is eating it too. Mariel radios Russell and explains the situation, and says that she made breakfast for and is staying with the kids in case they need support. Man, what a bitch. Russell thanks her for her thoughtfulness while Jesse stomps off in a fit of teenage angst-rage. Woe! Mariel decides it’s time to confront this beast head on, and have a talk with her son.

Feeshehrmahn: Ees eet a boy or ah girl?
Larkin: Jigga what, now? I’m delirious. I don’t know. Who am I? I’m sweaty.
Feeshehrmahn: Well, let me tell you about mah chiyl’.
Larkin: Well, our baby is Cuba-AH! Something is happening in my uterus!
Feeshehrmahn: We stop ‘ere. You go to bathroom.

This shack is a shithole, and the bathroom looks like it barely survived the hurricane. Outside, Feeshehrmahn watches the black sedan pass by. Oh dayumn. Inside, Larkin is getting all crazy in the eyes and tries to turn on the sink. Surprisingly… it actually works. She then falls to the floor, and again it’s not looking optimistic.

Except here come our boys to save the day! Russell has been reunited with his truck, and they’re on the chase. They’re ask Feeshehrmahn if he’s seen a little brunette pregnant lady that has been in a horrific car accident. Feeshehrmahn either doesn’t speak too much English or he’s a sinister weirdo, because he sends them on a wild goose chase. Things are really not looking optimistic. Also, Holy CGI road, Batman.

Feeshehrmahn then begins standing creepily outside the bathroom door, and tells her that zee truck, eet is brohk. Dey aah stuck.

Mariel the Medicine Woman is also stuck with the problem of her excessively moody offspring.
Mariel: Let me in.
Jesse: Go awayyyyy, omigaaaaawd.
Mariel: Let me in, we’ll talk, and then I will.
Jesse: … make it quick.

Mariel tells him her reasons for coming over, examples of which include but are not limited to: concern, care, and the desire to help in the event of a horrible catastrophe. Man, what a bitch.

She tries to make small talk, and Jesse shoots everything down with pure, concentrated spite. He’s almost as angsty as Harry Potter. Oh snap, I went there.

Jesse goes on to tell her that he bared witness to her marital infidelity. She is visibly abashed, and briefly tries to explain the situation, which is extremely ill advised. Jesse keeps calling her out. The pianos are very sad.

Mariel obviouses about the sucktasticness of divorce, apologizes, and wisely asks Jesse to forgive her. Man, what a bitch.

Before we get too caught up in emotional frenzy and the back-story of family break-up, we are thrown back into Operation Find Larkin. Russell is radioing Tom with the dark sedan information, and Tom picks up the official radiomajig to “let his people know” what’s up, and for a change we actually hear him use it!

Sheriff McAlien: Vague vague vague vague vague! Message me back, plzkthnx!

Feeshehrmahn is talking about the joy of babies. Apparently he’s from Haiti, and he and his wife escaped on the last boat before Clinton sent in the troops. They were offered a spot because of the baby. N’awwwww.

Unfortunately for Feeshehrmahn, Larkin is well, a damn good journalist because she can actually do mental math (I’m not frontin’. I am a journalist and I can tell you the majority of us don’t get along with math of any kind.). Also, she knows history but… whatever. The point is, she – even though she’s probably low on blood, delirious, and they’re somethin’ weird happening in her uterus – she can still call bullshit.

Meanwhile, Russell is taping in to Larkin’s radar love because he’s still thinking about Feeshehrmahn, and how he should have outfitted that guy with a radio. They’re talking and talking and I really didn’t hear anything because of the fact that I was too busy noticing the use of green screen for the driving-in-the-truck scene. It’s good for a first watching, but when you really notice the fake in-car lighting and the 2-dimensional background, it’s a bit too amusing to pay attention to anything else.

They drive up to see Sheriff McAlien who is having a little powwow with the guys in the black Lincoln. They look extremely suspicious. Russ & Dave inform everyone that they’re going to double back.

Back to God-Forsaken-Shithole-in-the-Middle-of-Nowhere, where Larkin has decided that she’s had enough and is going to walk to town. Feeshehrmahn tries to convincer that it’s almost fixed and that she needs to stay. She can barely walk, so he’s got a point. He’s giving her his jacket when the bloody knife falls out of his coat. She, in turn, gets all crazy in the eyes and runs back inside the rickety old abandoned shack… because that’ll make a whole hell of a difference.

Back at the Ranger Ranch, Kira and Rose are playing in the tree house. Mariel is leaving to go to work, and looking very stressed. Jesse, standing in the door frame decides that now would be a good time to stop angsting and grow up a titch. He walks out to her in an awkward adolescent way, and tearfully tells her that he doesn’t want to lose her. They hug and make up, and it is truly a beautiful thing.

A not so beautiful thing is the fact that Larkin is lying on the floor of Shithole Shack and sounding like she’s going into labor. Feeshehrmahn is trying to tell her that the car is ready, but the crazy in her eyes has traveled to her voice and it’s not looking optimistic. She refuses to come with him, because she doesn’t trust him.

In order to facilitate the trusting process, he grabs a fire extinguisher and beats the door down. He gives her an ultimatum: “Cohm wit me now, oh yo’ baby weel die.”

Next thing we know, he’s carrying her to the truck, and is getting ready to open the creepy white cooler. Inside, is a disgusting deep sea squid. Apparently, it makes a light when it swims, so Larkin assumes that the lightly things in the water are really just a bunch of deep sea fish. It always comes back to that…

Suddenly, Feeshehrmahn sees the Russmobile of Heroism coming down the road and decides he’s got to book it the hell out of there. He lies a now unconscious Larkin on the ground, apologizing profusely, and peels out.

The boys park it like it’s hot, pick up the pretty little woman, and there is much rejoicing.

There is also much hand-holding and tension as Mariel the Medicine Woman tries to figure out what exactly is happening in Larkin’s uterus. They hook up the baby-microphone detector, and it’s not looking optimistic.

Everyone is very concerned for Russell’s unborn Cuban baby when they finally find a heartbeat after 27 billion years of tension. Mariel has to watch Larkin and Russell snog shamelessly with relief and lurrrv. ♥ Through tears of joy, Larkin kills the mood by telling Russell that she knows what’s in the water…

Speaking of what’s in the water, we now see Sheriff McAlien walking into Shithole Shack. Feeshehrmahn’s truck is parked outside, and something is very “fishy.” Har har har.

Feeshehrmahn stands up, drops his accent like a bad habit, and tells Tom that he should be paid double for his trouble.

McAlien: Unforeseen complications, my friend.
Feeshehrmahn: Fuck that, I was there on time, waiting with that thing in the truck. It smells like ass, have you been near that thing? Then I find her because you say she’s missing…
McAlien: Why didn’t you take her to the hospital?
Feeshehrmahn: You told me not to!
McAlien: You saw those shady characters in that sedan!
Feeshehrmahn: So?
McAlien: So they tried to whack her. But it’s all sorted.
Feeshehrmahn: Well, she saw it. But tell me, what the hell are these lights in the water?
McAlien: Deep sea “Fish.”

Shoulda seen that coming. It always comes back to the deep sea fish.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand cut!
Copyright © virtuistic 2005


virtuistic is extremely, extremely nauseous.



This recap brought to you by death, decay, and copious amounts of gross.



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