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When left to my own devices, I become almost entirely nocturnal. How 'bout that? Still no stars, and it's been over a week. I am not pleased.



Maybe it's just because I'm feeling a particularly large amount of animosity towards sleep lately. That and eating, actually. I kind of dislike biological necessities in general. They're too time consuming and I've got things to do. Hugantic jinormous wastes of my life. I can't afford to sleep a third of my life away. Life's too short for that nonsense, and there's a whole big world to fix.

The clock will never stop for anyone, even if you smash it's shiny little face in or put a wrench in the gears.

I guess I kind of can't believe it's 2006? I'm not really very excited about it either, which is strange. Normally I'd be filled with optimism and thoughts of a clean slate and new opportunities but instead it feels kind of futile. It's just another day. No day. I don't know where my time is flying off to. I don't remember 2005 feeling like a full year. I think of memories from last spring and it's feels like a long time ago but I don't feel like enough stuff has happened for a full year to be gone. I don't like it. It's disconcerting and redoubtable.

Maybe it's because I have to grow up soon. Or at least, sacrifice a little bit more of my immaturity than I have thusfar. I'm never letting it all go. I'm too obstinate, too easily amused, too silly, too idealistic, too impulsive, too curious, too playful, and too somethin' else.

This year will mark my last full year of school. Mixed feelings about that. I don't want to keep paying for school, and it's not like I have to worry about the sudden cessation of learning once I'm done, what with being a journalist and a shamelessly excessive bookworm. Believe it or not, I love learning. Love it. To a degree that is truly stupid. Still... I'll have to get a job and probably move somewhere and have a loathsome routine* and make a home for myself (maybe even with a husband involved at some point) and I really don't care to do that any time soon. I feel ill-prepared. But, if this year flies by like the last, I won't have a choice. All that will be bogging down my mind when all I really want to do is just play on my panpipes. Yet, right now I feel like I need a change anyway and I hate that I'm so needlessly restless.

I think maybe, just maybe, in general I just want to play forever and right now I'm not playing enough. I've never been a huge fan of responsibilities and obligations unless I have knowingly and willingly brought them upon myself, and I see them coming without my invitation. Maybe it'll be easier to deal with them if I find someone to play with, in the 12-year-old hey-let's-go-build-a-snowman-and-go-sledding-and-drink-hot-chocolate sort of way. That would at least give me the outlet that I wish I had right now.

Maybe this is just me being ridiculously over-tired because of my stubborn refusal to give in to sleep.
Maybe it's just because it's winter.
But I feel like I'm the only living person in a city of zombies. Like I'm too alive for my own good, because it's fucking alienating.



* To me, the word alone is akin to the most vile thing you could possibly imagine. Actually being involved in a routine, would be like pulling my intestines through my bellybutton, or slowly using a hacksaw to cut off my left leg mid-shin. I'll bet those are some visuals you didn't need. You're welcome.

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( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
virtuistic
Jan. 2nd, 2006 07:03 pm (UTC)
Re: I don't like being called a zombie...
Hey now, it's standard with me that whenever I write a horrible overgeneralization, present company is always excluded. You're not a zombie.

But out of curiosity, are those the type of activities that you would be likely to suggest in a social situation? Even just with one friend, is going to play frisbee or snow soccer something you'd think of as an option for social interaction?
virtuistic
Jan. 2nd, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
Re: I don't like being called a zombie...
Also, thanks for reading my strange babble. :) You're a pal.
(Deleted comment)
virtuistic
Jan. 3rd, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
Re: I don't like being called a zombie...
That's awesome. Good people.

Hey, I'm going to Acme Comedy Club with a friend of mine for the free standup at 8. If you want, you should come?
(Deleted comment)
virtuistic
Jan. 3rd, 2006 08:50 am (UTC)
Re: I don't like being called a zombie...
True fact. Well, it happens every Monday so no biggie.
(Deleted comment)
virtuistic
Jan. 3rd, 2006 08:45 am (UTC)
Ok... the first bit, not true right now. I rarely find someone to willingly participate, let alone suggest them to me, in the aforementioned activities without me looking and feeling like the odd man out. And even then, it's not like they're always up to it. It's something that happens every now and then, and this is the type of shit I want every single day. I dont want it to be random. I want it to be constant. Also, I don't necessarily believe that society doesn't approve, it's just social interaction has moved from activity to fucking sedentary viewing of some form of media.

I don't think graduating from college makes you square, and I don't think I ever said that. I know plenty of graduates that are fucking awesome people. I don't ever plan on being square. But once you graduate, you have to become more adult. You have to get a job, you have to deal with more responsibilities.

Also, I am not afraid of routine. I've just been in them and discovered that I hate being in them. Every time. I don't like habits that I can't break on a whim. I'm an extremely impulsive person and I could never live with myself if my days were basically mirror images with slight variations. When it becomes too common it loses its flavor, and its meaning. It becomes bland. When weeks meld into one another without noticeable difference, I get really unhappy. I need daily change in my life and my job, which is why I'm a journalist but I need more than my career to offer me "fun crazy stuff". I also really dont want to simply exist within and explore my current predilictions. Yes, I know what I like to participate in but I don't want to have them be my only recreations. I need new things.

I'm a ridiculously spontaneous person and if I submit myself into a routine, and let it keep going, it'll get more strict and then it wont be maleable anymore because either I or other people involved will become dependent upon it, and then I can't break free. I'm not saying I'm afraid to stick with something, but I'll stick with it because I want to, because I love something about it but I need to be able to move within it and move away from it if and when I need or want to. Routines are constricting and they only get more rigid the longer they last, and they don't allow for spontaneity and my impulsive nature. I don't mind things seeming calm, but I don't want anything in my life to seem boring - because that's generally when I'll either try to fix it or I'll ditch it.

I guess I don't need a springboard, because I am a springboard. I get impulses, and I normally follow them.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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