Invasion 1:6 - "The Hunt"
Return of the fanboat arc! Mona is whining about the heat. Everglades, Mona.
They’re tracking a beep, which turns out to be Boris Von Gatoroff. He is apparently "fat and happy," but I’m not convinced. Around the bend they find a really awesome collectible car floating on pontoons and a stranded Cuban within. It's an impressive raft, and I’m thinking they should take it and sell it... pull down some massive bucks.
Anyway, the man is clearly distraught, and I’m really proud of the fact that I understand what he’s saying.
Translation: Oh Sir! Help me, please. Oh sir, help me! I wasn’t able to save, I wasn’t able to save my family.
He’s crusty and sunburnt and no, he did not lose his family to the hurricane. He lost them to the orange sea blobs. Evidently, he saw the ‘splosion that totally pwned the weather plane in the first episode. Russ informs non-Spanish-speaking folk that our new friend couldn’t save his family. The violins are very sad.
Back at the Tree-Hugger House, Larkin is helping Rose take a “sun shower.” Which I think should be called an “ice shower” because there’s ice involved in the water being dumped upon you. I don’t care how hot it is in the everglades; you cannot convince me that such a thing would be enjoyable.
Dave has his head in the right place and is avoiding the ice-water shower. His excuse? He doesn’t want to lose his “natural musk”, which I allow is extremely disgusting and immediately reconsider the shower situation. He apparently has a presentation for Larkin, and she isn’t very happy about watching Dave ramble about aliens and stab at a map, while rambling backstory for any and all coming late to the show.
Dave spells out Larkin’s “story” for her, and she blows his shit out of the water because she’s, well… a good journalist. She makes an excellent point when she says the boxes could just be filled with plane wreckage. Dave, in turn, pouts.
Russell comes home to pick up supplies. For what, you ask? He goin’ fishin’… dun dun dunnnnn!
Kira and Jesse are getting ice, and marveling at the weight of frozen water
“OMG this is soooo heavy can’t we liek, take a break, pleeeease?”
But Jesse is a no nonsense kind of guy, and just wants to get the ice back to wherever they’re taking it so they can be done
While Step-Hansel and Gretel are following the
Local Hottie: Need help?
Local Hottie: Want help? ‘Cause I wanna help.
Jesse: *grumble-grumble* I’m sure you do *grumble-grumble*
Kira: OMG liek, go away.
Local Hottie: That’s not what you said at the bon fire.
Kira: Ooohhh, that’s right! The bon fire where you ditched me on the beach. Ok I’ll get in.
Jesse: Wait what?
Kira: “There’s something Derek and I need to settle…” which, in sissy girl speak means:
“OMG I am so going to bitch him out and then liek, make out with him forevar.”
And she totally just leaves Jesse standing there with the cooler full of ice. Only child much, Kira? Not cool.
Anyway, because we all like sexual tension and confused teenagers, we’re focusing on Local Hottie and Kira who are having their belated morning-after conversation.
Kira: I didn’t sleep with you.
Local Hottie: You wanted to.
He’s showering her with compliments! Littering the conversation with sexual innuendo without actually directly mentioning the sex that didn’t happen! Racing around the turns! They’re laughing! Flirting with death and one another! He’s definitely revving her engine when out comes the big 5-0.
The party is so over. Papa Alien is swaggering out of his car and coming to lay the threat down on our recently invaded Local Hottie. The gist of it is…
“You’re wearing a red shirt, and you know what that means. I see you near my daughter I keel you ded, hornball.”
We cut to Kira lying on her bed and there’s a sensual groove goin’ on. Foreshadowing much? She’s hugging a pillow, looking consumptive and tragic, when we hear the booty horn call.
She frolics down the stairs in the most ridiculous 3-inch foam block sandals that I have ever seen. Clearly, Local Hottie was not moved by McAlien’s threat, because he’s waiting on the porch. I’ll hand it to him, he’s pretty smooth. He takes threats, turns them into compliments, propositions and chicka Chicka BOWWWOWWWWWW!
She looks like a horrible kisser, and when Mariel comes home early I’m actually feeling really thankful because, no.
Kira shoves Local Hottie into the closet (hee!) just as Mariel opens the door. Kira’s pretty smooth too, it seems. She takes her removed top, puts it back on, acts like she’s been resting, and shamelessly kisses Mariel’s ass. Right when it seems like she’s in the clear, the creepy music starts and Mariel looks at the closet omg!
Uh, alien magnetism?
Suddenly, Local Hottie isn’t feelin’ so hot. Or rather, he’s feeling very hot, just not for Kira, and thinks now would be an appropriate time to leave. Kira, for all her charm, cannot convince him to stay.
Kira: Want me to take my clothes off?
Kira: What is wrong with you?
Local Hottie: My mind is on an alien spaceship, and your step-mom is a total MILF.
Local Hottie then meanders down the stairs like a drunk (no rly, he does!), and I’m thinking his alien-mones are messin’ with him hardcore. The music has gone all creepy, and Local Hottie lets the alien magnet in his stomach lead him to play Peeping Tom on Mariel.
There is nothing sexier than a womalien going under water, I tell you what.
Aaaand right when you’re sure Sheriff McAlien, Jesse, or Kira is going to show up…Commercial!
Back at Ferngully on Lakeshore, Russell is getting everything all set up for his nice little fishing outing. The whole crew is there, but Russell is insisting that he should go out looking for the orange-jacuzzi-of-death creatures alone because “it’s just not safe.” Riiiight. So Larkin suggests that they all go, to take care of each other because she’s well… smart! She would definitely survive a low budget horror flick. Knowing when to invoke the buddy system is half the battle. Thumbs up, woman.
Rose tells Russ not to kill it, and just to catch it. Russ
Now we switch over to Mariel the Medicine Woman’s meeting at the Church
After the meeting, he builds up the courage to walk up to her and say…
Local Hottie: Was cool, huh?
… Smooth, man. Real smooth. Something tells me he’s not adequately prepared to woo older women, let alone married womaliens. He keeps trying to talk to her, but the conversation is painfully one-sided. Mariel tries to deflect by dropping Kira’s name casually, which then causes boy to babble about school (Schooooooool’s out ‘til they rebuild it! Caaaaauuuse the hurricane destroyed it! Wheee!). Out of nowhere, he transitions and dives into the “will I see you here again?" conversation.
Really Awkward Pause
Mariel: What was your experience again?
Local Hottie doesn’t divulge much information, but he starts wading into dangerous territory when he starts mentioning water. Mariel’s eyes grow all dark at the mention of her aquatic obsession.
Local Hottie: “Water feels like velvet.”
Mariel: “I really should be going now.”
Meanwhile, back at Tire-Swing Town on the Ranger Ranch, Larkin is pushing Rose when she notices a really creepy bush-spy. She shoves Rose in the house and goes running after yon sprinting spy of the bushes, who leaps into a black Lincoln and peels out. Larkin waits until after the guy is gone to half-assedly talk-yell “Who are you?” *facepalm*
…wait, what? Did they seriously just have a commercial that attempted to explain how vacuum cleaners work?
Oookay, and we’re back and our boys are trollin’, trollin’, trollin’ down the water. Dave is making horrible banjo noises and chewing on a blade of grass, Russell (has ridiculously massive arms) is drinking water straight from a 1 gallon jug as though it were a hip flask, and Jesse is steering. They don’t have a line in the water, and I have a feeling this fishin’ trip is going to be very, very boring until nightfall.
Dave somehow recognizes the surroundings, and we discover that they are currently passing through the site of the 96’ plane crash. Jesse asks if it was the crash that killed Kira’s pretty little mother, which it was. The conversation organically finds its way to the fact that Sheriff McAlien was on the plane, and was the only survivor. Dun dun dun.... Supposedly he was trapped in an air pocket or something, but we all know better.
Suddenly, the fish-detector machine is beeping, and there’s something like a giant manta ray on the screen. They start snarking at each other about how that’s one of the things! We need a net! And during the commotion, it disappears. Go fig.
No wait, it’s under the boat! Except not, wtf? It starts JAWSizing in a distinctly orange fashion away from them at top speed. They start to follow it, and we watch it swim away.
Aaaand it’s dinner time at Casa de Extraterrestrial! Mariel starts off the dinner conversation by mentioning Local Hottie, and the mood turns hostile. This is the actual conversation, it’s too good.
McAlien: “Wow, that kid is something.”
Kira: “You don’t even know him!”
McAlien: “I’m getting to know him!”
Mariel: “Well, hopefully the group will help.”
McAlien: “Oh, I’m sure he’s just going to blossom.”
Mariel: “What is wrong with you?”
Kira: “Dad doesn’t like Derek”
N’awww. Is the baby upset? What’s the baby going to do? Take his toys and leave?
McAlien: “No. Dad knows Derek. Dad knows Derek all too well.” *stomps off*
OMG, He did! No rly! Oh man, the angst, it bleeds!
Meanwhile, our boys are chasing the radioactive manta ray through Pond on Reedsburg and it is now dark. They’ve busted out flashlights, but I don’t know why seeing as the thing uh, glows in the dark. But hey! Whatever floats your shallow aluminium swamp boat, guys.
The music, is decidedly creeptastic and they cut the engine. They see their target on the fish-locator, grab a net, and count to three…but don’t actually throw on three.
We see a faint outline of the beast and I swear they used the tiniest net possible. I had money on them missing but Russell has mad netting skillz and caught the beast. Its tail is thrashing about madly, and it’s looking less like a manta ray and more like evil. The tail looks decidedly pointy and menacing. Suddenly, the thing dives beneath the boat and they’re either going to lose it or tip the boat. The way all three of them are hanging precariously over the edge of that boat might be hilarious if it weren’t so damn riveting.
Dave asks if they lost it, they check the fish-o-meter, and she starts buckin’ again. It’s a very large, gelatinous looking critter and I still think that net was too small.
Dave: (in a voice akin to a boy watching his dog run away) It’s getting away!
Russell: Oh for the love of… *busts out a gun*
Dave: Woah, no need to blast its head off. Catch, not kill! CATCH! *cringe*
Russell does not heed him and instead harpoons the little blob with a tag. He’s a thinker!
Back in the daylight, Mariel has just arrived at work. Local Hottie seems to have been waiting for her in his red shirt once more… kinda like a stalker. Suddenly, Sheriff McAlien is pounding on his door. Oh dayumn.
Sheriff McAlien calls him on LH’s infatuation with his wife. Local Hottie first employs denial, and then gets smart with McAlien when he grabs him by the scruff of the neck. Now, their faces are very, very close and the HoYaY is simply shrieking bloody murder in the back of my skull. McAlien is talking about “the feeling” which I can only assume is a hyper sex-drive. Then he starts layin’ the threat down hardcore, telling LH that he’d definitely choke and/or shoot a bitch because LH don’t mean squat in McAlien-land, and he little tiny manslaps him and walks away. Jeez. What a dick.
Local Hottie waits a couple of seconds before he goes diving into his glove compartment which = bad news bears. He pulls out a formidable looking blade and appears to have gone crazy in the eyes.
Suddenly we see him in the hospital, holding something wrapped up in a towel? He keeps asking for Mariel… kinda like a stalker. And it seems like he might stab her …kinda like a stalker. The nurse tells him he has to go to admitting, and he goes off to find Mariel by himself … a lot like a stalker.
He goes to her office and holds up his hand, with blood pouring down it. That is hardcore obsession, right there. Yikes.
They show her stitching his deep, self-inflicted, psycho-gash and it is gross. He starts asking about the meeting, and asks her for a lift, using his hand as an excuse for not driving himself… not like he has two or anything...
Anyway, cutting back to the moonlit night now because honestly, who really needs consistent time frames? They’re trackin’ and talkin’. We get a bit of Russell’s personal history. Evidently, he came from Cuba in 1890 when he was only 10 years old, and his parents – who were supposed to be on the next boat – never came.
With no transition whatsoever, our boys are now huddled around a campfire, discussing whether or not the manta rays are fish or aliens. Can’t we just compromise and just accept them as deep sea filiens? It sounds aquatic enough to me…
During their discussion, they seem to be eating pork’n’beans because they’re men, and because Dave farts and they all laugh. *facepalm*
Cutting back to the home front, Larkin and Rose are reading a bedtime story when a car starts outside and we see headlights. Clearly, there are more bushmen spies. Larkin opens the door and stares out. The camera pans in, the creepy music plays and she shuts the door and locks us out, leaving us banished to a world of commercials.
Clearly, nothing horrible will befall them, because our attention is redirected to Camp Sleepytown, where Dave is snoring like a rabid beast. Jesse cannot sleep and abandons any and all attempts to do so. Instead, he goes up for some quality father-son time, during which we find out that Mariel “saw one in the water.” N’awww, how touching… *ahem*
Back at Casa de Extraterrestrial, Kira is comfort fooding it up with a “week’s worth of salt in a bowl.” Papa Alien comes in and asks if she’s still upset about Derek, to which Kira responds:
“Yeah, but for a different reason.” He’s totally not interested in me anymore, and seems to be hitting on Mariel. And she’s going along with it. She “bumped into him at the hospital” and is going to “take him to the meeting” or some bullshit like that, and they “wont be home until after the meeting.” Like, what the hell?
McAlien: *mind set to kill*
Us: Oh snap!
Cut to our two little alien lovebirds! LH is checking Mariel out approximately every 11 seconds. It becomes common knowledge that Local Hottie is home alone, when Mariel slaps him upside the head with the “Happily Married and too Old for You” stick of obvious.
Local Hottie: Well, duh I know that. Heh, hee hee
Mariel: …I’m gonna take you home now.
Local Hottie: No no no! I wanna take you to the water where I got invaded!
Mariel: There’s water involved?
Local Hottie: Water.
Mariel: Ok, you talked me into it.
Meanwhile, Sheriff McAlien is trying to track them down. Presumably to kick the everliving shit out of Local Hottie, but they aren’t at the church. Kira spills the beans about the bon fire and about the location of Derek’s personal invasion station.
Which is were Mariel the Medicine Woman and Local Hottie totally are! They’re walking to the beach when he starts talking about “the pull” of the water, and how it’s “hypnotizing” and how “he wants to take her in there.” I mean, “just for a couple of minutes.” But Mariel says they “shouldn’t” and should “get to the meeting” because they’re “already late.” Local Hottie clearly wants to do the alien-swim-mate watertango, but Mariel isn’t having it.
Local Hottie: *wrist grab* You know you want this.
Mariel is struggling and Local Hottie is trying to pull her into the water when all of a sudden he is full speed tackled by Sheriff McAlien - protector of females that willingly put themselves in precarious situations!
He gets up, and sends his pretty little wifelt on the path to the survivors meeting, and no doubt, to down the path of judgement questioning, because she leaves McAlien standing with a foot on Local Hottie’s chest.
The second she leaves, McAlein grabs LH by his doomed little red shirt. Local Hottie apologizes profusely, and begs for forgiveness and release. McAlien, instead, opts to drown a bitch.
A bitch that can apparently survive and breathe underwhater? The hell? McAlien has magically changed from jealous, protective rage to patient, paternal wisdom.
Jigga what? Everything is cool now, which is actually kind of lame. For real, they get up, McAlien throws a jovial arm around LH, and they’re wet and attractive and have the following conversation:
Local Hottie: OMG that PWNED!
Sensei Alien: “You have a lot to learn,” young grasshopper. Wife not answer.
Local Hottie: True! No wife. No meetings.
Sensei Alien: Nah holdup, go to the meetings. That’s where you’ll get the updates from the mothership.
Local Hottie: Oh, ok. Rock.
Sensei Alien: Actually, I’m going to send you to a work camp in the ‘glades and we can turn you into a Sith Apprentice Alien.
Local Hottie: Rad.
Aaaanyway, it’s daylight again. Jesse and Dave are catchin’ some z’s while Russ is chasin’ the beeps with his handy dandy palm-alien-locator-machine (PALM) pilot when he suddenly finds himself hot on the trail.
He ties up the boat, but doesn’t wake the other two… he leaves them unconscious, dangling over the alien-infested water, and goes to follow the beep trail alone without leaving so much as a message in case one of them wakes up, or even leaving a trail marker so they could find him and catch up OR so that he can find his way back. Clearly, Russell would not survive a low budget horror flick.
Whatever. Anyway, he goes off into the woods like a moron, completely ignores the sign that clearly says “Warning, No Trespassing” which in Backwater Crazy means:
“If you come on my proprtee, I’m ohnna shootcha up real good.”
Russell wanders about, looking at the decrepit house-like structure and finds a truck with an open fishing net when CHuchKLOCK! He finds himself staring down the barrel a shotgun held 10 feet away by the aforementioned Backwater Crazy.
Russell: “I’s just…”
He advances on Russell for no readily apparent reason besides dramatic effect because, dude, shotgun. Russell tries to pull out the old “I’m a plain clothes park service ranger…” story, but it doesn’t take.
Russell: Jigga what?
Me: This guy has a son?!
Russell: I know, right?
Me: *shrug* Weird.
Russell: Oh right, gun!
Me: Get to it sweet pea.
Russ: Sir, will you just put the gun down.
Enter Stevie – walking vaguely like Herman Munster.
Stevie takes two years to shake his head. He looks, frankly, as though he’s personifying molasses. Russell, in a swift burst of mental logic, concludes that this isn’t normal behavior, and asks what’s wrong with him.
Evidently, our friend Stevie went fishing last night, and has been acting oddly since he got home this morning. Backwater Crazy summons Stevie, who resumes his zombie walk and the Alien-Identifying Oh-Shit-O-Meter starts beeping like it’s nobody’s business. The closer Stevie gets, the more it beeps until suddenly it is a constant shriek of OMGALIEN! Stevie, in turn, just stares off into the great beyond with absolutely no expression on his face.
His father, clearly a technophobe, starts freaking out because of the beep!shriek, and moves even closer to Russell who shuts off the sound. He is now a foot away from Russell’s head… with a shotgun. I just want to reiterate how completely unnecessary that is.
At the exact moment, Dave comes to save the day!
Backwater Crazy: YOU DROP IT!
Bakwater Crazy: If you e’er come near mah proprtee agin I’m ohnna shootcha up real good.
Our boys flee. Stevie keeps staring off into the great beyond with absolutely no expression on his face. Wonder how Russell is going to explain that.
Answer: He isn’t, because we’re now back to Larkin, who is driving in rainy somewheres. She sounds nervous, but she loves her hubby! N’awww.
Speaking of Hubby, there he is! With the rest of the boys, who are whining about the fact that it “got away.” Russell has the chance to say, “We didn’t lose it fellas, it ate Stevie.” But doesn't. Instead, he looks confused and says nothing.
Larkin is also not saying anything as she drives through a torrential downpour, but looks akin to a scared rabbit. She checks her mirror to discover that there is a rather familiar looking black Lincoln behind her, and begins to freak out. She quickly decides to off road it and see if they follow her - which they do. This ends up being a severely bad decision. She’s driving way too fast for this road. She takes a moment to look behind her, and they’re definitely still there. When she turns back to the road she narrowly misses a tree stump the size of Texas, swerves, and her car goes f-ly-i-n-g. I mean airborne.
It flies. It rolls. She screams. We see what looks like water, and hear a sickening crash of glass. And it cuts to black.
… “Thanks for watching ABC! Stay tuned for your local news next!”
C'mon, Shaun Cassidy. Who gave you permission to leave us hanging, J.J. Abrams style? Huh?
Copyright © virtuistic 2005
virtuisticIs going fishin' for deep sea filiens, y'all!
* - Weeds, anyone? That's totally the actor that played the crazy goat guy. Sorry, I couldn't help it.
This recap brought to you by post-final relief.