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Kick it off

Though I may not have time to participate in NaNoWriMo, I can still write recaps!

Invasion 1:5 – “Unnatural Selection” (aka Alienified.)

We open to Rose singing in Spanish. I catch something about an apple before I realize that she’s in the woods, wandering toward the water by herself again. For real, someone get that girl a leash. She can’t carry a tune in a bucket, and there’s something in the water coming towards her and I’m pretty sure it’s an alien going all STFU, because I totally was. Anyway, she sees it, shuts up, stares it down and we cut to the boys fixing a door because, c’mon, who really wants answers anyway? [insert eye roll here]

Larkin starts goin’ all, “Mebbe I should call my ex-boyfriend and try to flirt some information out of him,” while Rose runs up and proclaims that one of the lights is in the water. (Now there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from that surprise. What’re we gonna do? We’ve got a glowing aquatic alien with big pointy spike pods.) Naturally, they all go running to try and see it but it has, how do you say, uh… left. Larkin, being the only one that hasn’t had any contact with the lights, is surprised to hear everyone lay out their own personal light-story.

Larkin is not a happy camper anymore. Literally everyone but her knew about these things, and she’s, well… a journalist. Russell starts babbling and suddenly we’re back to the fish theory. Dave, being Dave, throws out the alien possibility and then busts out the dramatic, "You decide!" Suddenly, everyone starts snarking at Russell and damn, his relationship capabilities are really lacking in this episode.

While the not-so-happy-family is angsting, one of Russ’s coworkers drives up. We are introduced to Karl, who looks like a big teddy bear. He is asking Russ for relationship advice, and the irony is killing me.

Karl: Well, I know you were having problems with your marriage…
Russell: Yeah. Divorce.
Karl: But you’ve got a pretty little pregnant wifelet now...
Larkin: Who is pissed! I’m going to see my ex now, kthnxbye.

Karl keeps trying, and it’s actually kind of tragic because he is so completely oblivious to the fact that Russell’s family is practically disintegrating. Clearly, he is very distraught. In fact, he looks as though he might cry and I feel really sorry for the guy.

Aaand supermarket is open and playing really terrible music. Mariel is shopping. The Alienist Priest takes the opportunity to tell her that he’s been “meaning to recruit her into the alien cult talk to her about a survivors group” for people with especially traumatic hurricane experiences. If by especially traumatic you mean alienized, and he clearly does. According to Father Catholic, Sheriff McAlien is all for it and why wouldn't he just tell her that directly? I mean, it's not like they're married or anything...

Speaking of McAlien, he is rushing to see his boyfriend Lewis a crime scene where a looter has apparently broke in and is demanding to see the Sheriff. So he swaggers confidently into the broken down thingamajig to try and calm the crazy inside. Lewis is all concerned, n’awwwww.

It’s creepy inside this place, and the Sheriff doesn’t make noise when he walks. They’re playing heartbeat music and I think the Sheriff is grinning. Close up on the gun = Oh damn. It’s on now. He peers around the corner and we see…. Karl?! Yeah, that’s Karl alright. Karl loading a gun Karl.

McAlien is apparently unaware that if he surprises the crazy, he’s more likely to get shot because without any notion of comfort, coercion, or subtlty, he just speaks and scares the ever living crap out of Karl. Keeping in line with standard operating procedure for police, he tells Karl to put down the gun. Karl, however, is keeping in line with the standard operating procedure for crazies, and says he wants answers first. Then things get really weird.

Karl: *wimpercries* “You could’ve helped me!”
McAlien: …*toes ground*

Then Karl snaps, and pulls a gun on the Sheriff – who is apparently the fastest draw in the ‘glades because he and Karl are both fully drawn when BAM!NAILGUN! because, c’mon, who really wants answers anyway?

Russell is building a tree house very, very close to the house because close to the house is very, very good, while close to the water is very, very bad. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Jesse, being a teenager, is listening to rock music on his headphones really, really loudly because that's what teenagers do, innit? Father and Son bond over the not-an-alien-totally-a-fish opinion. Suddenly, Jesse unloads a bit of exposition by asking if he can just like, not go over to his mom’s house ‘cause she’s all weird and stuff. They are interrupted by an urgent radio from "some deputy", and I’m willing to bet someone is dead from bullet.

Flash to the scene of the shooting, and Karl is, in fact, dead from bullet. The Sheriff seems to feel no remorse, and seems to blame Russell for it. The hell?

Aaaand commercial!

Russell and McAlien are talking about why Karl went crazy. Russell is feelin' all guilty about not talking with Karl. Sheriff McAlien is trying to act like a decent human being by encouraging an investigation. Interesting tactic.

Meanwhile, Larkin is almost to her ex-boyfriend/military man. The guards at the gate seemed like pushovers… and I would be surprised at how easy it was for her to get in if I hadn’t spent a week on an Air Force base without any authorization myself. Hee.

Sergeant Suitor: Hi! Oh wow! You so don’t look preggerz! No one believes I used to date you! Step into my military mobile and I’ll let you flirt information out of me!

Back at Casa de Extraterrestrial, Mariel is coming back from her shopping expedition to find out that her hubby done shot her friend dead. Kira is wondering how this will affect her social life when Jesse comes in and breaks the news to Mariel that he is planning on staying at Russell’s ranch. Mariel freaks out, Jesse walks out, and Kira runs after. Talk about your dysfunctional families this episode, huh?

Meanwhile, Russ is going to Karl’s house to talk with Lucy – Karl’s wife turned widow. We then see Gage (sp?) for the first time since the bonfire, and he seems like he’s in shock.

Russell: So um… Karl came by my house to “talk” this morning.
Lucy: *gets all shady*

Evidently, Karl has a drinking problem and they’ve been having marital problems for “a long time.” Especially since the hurricane… dun dun dunnnn! Sounds like Karl went through a “change,” wink-wink nudge-nudge. I really hate that Gage is listening in on this. I also hate that his name is Gage.

Evidently, things got so heated last night between Lucy and Karl that she called Sheriff McAlien which clashes horribly with the whole “I haven’t talked to Lucy yet” story. The plot, it thickens! Get out your spoons, y’all.

But take your time, it’s commercials.

Kira is chasing Jesse, who is still upset about the bonfire. Kira employs the but-you-still-have-a-mom guilt technique, and Jesse crumbles. Go fig.

Meanwhile, Mariel is playing lash la knife while going to town on some carrots. She cuts herself and curses, and I’m wondering if the aliens don’t have super-fast healing powers and that cut will be gone in about, oh 15 seconds.

The doorbell rings, and Russell is trying to find McAlien when speak of the devil, he walks in the door.

Russell: So I talked to Lucy.
McAlien: *gets all shady*
Mariel: Actually hon, I need to talk to you.
McAlien: Well um, hold that thought. I gotta have another dick measuring contest with your ex-husband.
Mariel: Oh for the love of…

Sheriff McAlien starts dodging Russell’s question, swaggers over to the fridge, pops open a beer, and … puts the beer down?

McAlien: Why do you seem so guilty?
Russell: Dude, he was a friend of mine.
McAlien: “Your friend tried to kill me.”
Russell: Both of us had a chance to stop this, but you knew more than I did so it’s totally your fault.
McAlien: Whatever man, I never should have called you. You can get out of my house now.
Russell: Too bad, Paco. You did call me, now I’m in it and I’ll never let go, Jack!
McAlien: Figures.
Russell: I won’t! You haven’t heard the last of me! Rrrrr! *fist*

Back to the AFB, Sergeant Suitor is carting Larkin around and this is seriously the worst kind-of date ever. Nevertheless, she is still trying to flirt information out of him with, it must be said, some success. Still, he’s not giving away all the answers but he is layering the exposition on pretty thick when hold up… Sergeant Suitor just said “freedom fries” and I think a part of me just died.

Back at Casa de Extraterrestrial, we learn that even aliens have marital problems! Mariel is going batshit. She’s throwing away all the food, ranting and raving when McAlien busts out the “I knew it was gonna happen” and everything comes to a screeching halt.

Mariel: Jigga what now?
McAlien: Well, it seems we aliens have ESP ‘cause I knew, ok? I know a lot of things.
Mariel: O rly? Do you know that I feel like shit right now? ‘Cause I do.

Exeunt Mariel. Enter Commercial.

Mariel has gone to the church to chat with Father Catholic. He is really creepy. She starts talking about Jesse, and asks if the priest remembers him. Honey, he’s a priest. Of course he remembers Jesse. Anyway, Mariel is expressing her I-like-water-more-than-my-kids guilt when out of nowhere Father Catholic says, “I was from Minnesota,” like that’s relevant in any way at all…

Father Catholic’s advice sucks royally. He ends up telling her to let her kid go, and that somehow Jesse will realize how flawed his father is and ditch Russ for Mariel and seriously dude, your advice is horrible.

Dave is stuck building the tree house with Rose, and she’s singing again. Thank God this scene is short.

Larkin is being drug through “Weather World” when Sergeant Suitor leaves her unattended and she, of course, sneaks out. She runs up to the place where the Air Force keeps their top secret stash-o-mystery, and yanks on a door that says “restricted area.” Larkin, honey… “restricted area” means the doors will be locked. If anyone could walk right in, it wouldn’t be “restricted.”

Anway, Russell is back at the scene of the shooting and talking to McAlien’s boyfriend deputy, who doesn’t have a left arm. Deputy Whosiface tells Russ that Karl asked specifically for Sheriff McAlien and I swear Russ almost goes, “Bzuh?” He decides to take it and mill it around in the ol’ noggin when he notices Gage lurking. They talk, and they walk together in the sunset and it’s very paternal and all, when Gage spills the beans that his mother is a great big liar-face. Evidently, she hasn't been the same apple since the hurricane, if you know what I mean. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, commercial!

Commercial Thoughts: Wait what?! A KY lube commercial before 10 p.m. on ABC?!? Dylan was right, y’all. Times, they are a-changin’.

We’re back, and suddenly a storm’s a-brewing. Mind you, this is literally the crappiest televised storm I have ever seen. I seriously think they used strobe lights. Russell has apparently come to talk to Lucy – who is at the Hurricane Survivors group. Gage is taking the opportunity to flee to his uncle’s while she’s away. I feel really badly for him, and I want to adopt him even though he’s probably only three years younger than me. Still, he drove away and it’s seriously like, teh saddest evar.

Meanwhile, Larkin has somehow snuck into the restricted building and is making a hell of a lot of noise considering that she is totally not welcome. Still, she snoops and she sees – titanium boxes! Dun dun dunnnnnn! She, however, is then seen by one of the guards and she books it...surprisingly without incident.

Russell, has gone to the church to see what this Survivor group is all about. For real though, I think he’s just wondering why he wasn’t invited, but hey. It’s dark, windy, and ominous and he sees Sheriff McAlien hugging Lucy… the hell? McAlien comes over to continue their dick-measuring contest and calls Russell “a dog with a bone,” which is so slashy it tingles me. They are totally keeping tabs on one another, and they’ve got their rulers at hand.

Russell is bombarding McAlien with questions, and he seriously just stands there grinning defiantly and I kind of wish Russ would punch him in the face. However, Russ is too busy noticing that his pretty little ex-wifelet is at the meeting too.

Russell: OMG! What is she doing here?!?
McAlien: Obeying my every command, beyotch. Why don’t you go run along, my dick is clearly 15 miles longer than yours.
Russell: I’m not letting this go, Jack! You haven’t seen the last of me! Rrrrrr! *fist*

Aaand commercial.

Sergeant Suitor is clearly a very lonely man. That’s all I got. Larkin leaves like a bat out of hell, but is followed. Bad news, yo.

Suddenly we’re back in the church and Father Catholic is all, the Sheriff is the expert on surviving! Weeeee! He too was in the plane crash that killed his wifelet (and I’m thinkin’ that skeleton was his and he’s been invaded for some 8 years…) and there’s a really beautiful violin playing in the background. Evidently, 19 hours after the crash he was pulled out of the wreckage alive. The only survivor outta hundreds. Clearly, surviving is now synonymous with eaten by aliens and possessed. N’awwwww, lookit! He’s getting all emotional.

McAlien: Backstory! Hope! Opportunity! We will all ultimately survive, because we are …POWERBALL?!?!? OMGWTF?!

For real, Powerball ate the last line. Still, I hear tell he said we are “survivors” which is really kind of lame, seeing as he could have said “aliens” or at least “hybrids.” But nah, because, who really wants answers anyway?
Copyright © virtuistic 2005


virtuistic will never let go, Jack!


This recap was brought to you by ridiculous amounts of Halloween candy.

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
virtuistic
Nov. 5th, 2005 11:52 pm (UTC)
I learned in class that advertising is going to destroy the world. *nod nod*

Reptilian Hot Button, man.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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