Anyway, here's Invasion 1:4 – “Alpha Male”
Swamp growth, gas can, creepy looking mobile-home type thing! BANG! CRASH! SCREAM! ROAR! We're off to a good start. Cue the vague, flashing light and moving cloth over window! Oh damn… have the alien’s left the water?
Yes. Yes they have.
Sheriff McAlien: “There are no accidents, Lewis.
He’s talking about the hurricane as though it’s a blessing, an “opportunity.” He’s full of clichés tonight, too. Bustin’ out the ol’, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,” which is mildly hilarious seeing as he has been killed and then invaded. Irony, I tell ya.
Some smartass in the background put “Go Back to the Garden Eve” on the cinema sign. The Sheriff did not look pleased, even though he seems to have somehow acquired a latte despite the fact that the town was just ravaged by a hurricane.
Anyway, Sheriff McAlien and his
Larkin is standing in front of the Wall of the Absent, talking about the material shortages and discontent. She is talking to an official from the Department of Health at the relief center when she gets attacked by a random crazy! Madame Crazygonuts starts screaming, “YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!” and starts pummeling Larkin. All she can think to say is, “Stop! I’m pregnant!” and doesn’t sound nearly horrified enough, given that she just got attacked for no readily apparent reason.
Aaaand flamingos! No, for real. Then chickens, puppies, and baby Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web! Russell is driving his fanboat arc to the ranger station. He’s so cute with the animals! Mona makes a crack about Russell playing Noah and now I officially love her. Russell says it’s because McAlien closed all the roads, and Dave takes the opportunity to point out that not only is the Sheriff not abiding by his own rules, but that he took Russ’s pretty little wifelet to Keylargo. Russell gives him a stink-eye glare like I’ve never seen before. When asked what they were doing there, Dave just chuckles and Russell makes up a generic excuse. But we know! Oh, we know!
Still no running water, imagine that! Huh. Hurricane, Russ!
Mona says they probably won’t have running water for another 6 weeks, and even I think that sounds absurd. Then Dave takes the opportunity to mention that Sheriff McAlien has running water now. Russell in turn, curses at a certain, fictional public official on national television, and snarks because it’s not fair.
Dave: “Pays to be the Man, huh?”
Me: Damn the man! Save the
Suddenly, Mona sprints out of the Ranger Station with a really snazzy cordless, battery-powered mini-TV and shows Russell that his pretty little pregnant wifelet was attacked by Madame Crazygonuts on public television. He, being a good guy, sprints off.
Meanwhile at the hospital, Mariel is watching a nurse pour water and hand it to a patient. Clearly, her water fixation has intensified. She looks vaguely irritated, as though the water is being wasted. In the background we hear Madame Crazygonuts muttering, “Do you know how they get in? I saw her, she, she… she was in. She’s … I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. They get in, that’s all. They’re just, they’re in. She was one of them. She was.”
Mariel the Medicine Woman, who definitely is one of “them”, comes over and snaps, “One of what?”
Madame Crazygonuts: EEP!
Evidently, Madame Crazygonuts really, truly crazygonuts; specifically, she is schizophrenic, and her medicine was turned away at a road block. This seems to be a common problem, which isn’t so much with the good.
Later, civil unrest! Sheriff McAlien looks very concerned, as his hold on the community is definitely diminished. He tries to justify the “safety circle” single-handedly and fails miserably - especially after Russell blabs to the community that the Sheriff has been enjoying running water.
Townsfolk: Oh snap! Not cool!
Sheriff McAlien: Fine! Open the doors! See if I care! You’ll be sorry!
Russell: Clearly, my dick is much larger than yours.
Sheriff McAlien: Oh it is on now!
Now the kids are at the relief center, and I’m waiting for them to get bushwhacked. Kira starts teasing Jesse about getting “hammered”, wink wink nudge nudge. The Local Hottie pulls up in his bad-boy truck and flirts shamelessly with Kira, who really isn’t having it. Local Hottie invites the two of them to a bonfire and you know they’re going to end up going despite Kira's affected disinterest.
Meanwhile, Dave is congratulating Russell on winning the first of several dick-measuring contests against Sheriff McAlien. Dave makes a smooth transition from flattery to alien hunting and conspiracy.
Dave: “The sheriff totally has an alliance with the aliens.”
Russell: “Earth to Dave… STFU!”
They’ve stopped to go into a research facility in the middle of friggen nowhere, because evidently there hasn’t been radio contact. Great idea, fellas! They go in and it’s all forboding lookin', and then we see the shredded cloth window and yeah, not. good.
Russell has manifested a flashlight, and is walking past cages and it is really creepy. Suddenly we see a scene of total devastation. Apparently, there was a primate jailbreak and holy crap, how many dead guys do these two need to find?! I mean seriously! And yes, they show the body and it is blue, and gross. Oh, and Dave totally stepped in it. Ewwwwwwwwww.
Roll title aaaand commercial! Wheeee!
This episode likes to start with rustling sheets of something-or-other because the commercial is over, and now there is a plastic tarp flapping around in the wind. Larkin is looking for Dave, who is probably searching the body at the Research Center for alien-spear piercings.
She goes inside, looks at the sun through the ceiling, the creepy music starts up and suddenly we see Sheriff McAlien lurking in the doorwayomgwtf! SO. CREEPY. He clears his throat and Larkin shrieks, as one does.
Sheriff McAlien: Oh uh, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. Mosquitos, man.
Larkin: Oh, uh… right. Except like, I didn’t see your car?
Sheriff McAlien: I parked in the back and out of view, but I totally didn’t mean to catch you off guard or anything. What with being totally uninvited and all.
Sheriff McAlien: *toes ground*
Larkin: …You had a dick measuring contest with Russell, didn’t you.
Sheriff McAlien: Right! So! How was getting attacked?
Larkin: Oh, you know.
Sheriff McAlien: Still preggers?
Larkin: Why are you here?!
Sheriff McAlien: The box! Got any clue what’s in it?
Larkin: No. You?
Sheriff McAlien: Funny you should ask that…
He goes on a tangent about his Air Force connection, because as a former CIA operative he tends to “withhold” information. During this tangent, he gets progressively closer and closer to Larkin and I keep thinking he’s gonna grab her face and spit aliens down her throat or something. Still, he’s totally fueling Larkin’s curiosity and I think he’s trying to make a pawn out of her. You can tell by that cocky-ass grin on face. He has one condition, she can’t tell anyone he helped her.
Larkin: Woops. Um… so about that?
Suddenly he gets all dark, scary and threatening. Larkin clearly thinks he’s being a fascist, which he kind of is. Still, methinks she’s going to be the one to blow his cover… unless of course he kills or invades her first – and I’m not willing to rule out anything at this point.
Why not? Monkeys. That’s why. Baboons, to be specific. Baboons being tested with tropical diseases, to be more specific. This is beginning to sound like Wizard of Oz, except the sheriff is an alien instead of a witch, and his monkeys have super-mega-evil jungle rabies instead of wings.
We got us a situation on our hands. We have a bunch of diseased monkeys running around, and anything they touch is doooomed! Therefore, it’s time for Russ to go huntin’, and time for Dave to go home and keep. everyone. there. (Uh huh. Sure.)
Back at the ranch, Kira is doing a really horrible job of nailing planks onto the roof. Apparently Jesse owes her big for this, and I’m pretty sure we all know what the payment will inevitably be. Hey, I’m just sayin’. Larkin asks if they want dinner and Kira decides now is a good time to inform everyone that she and Jesse will, in fact, be leaving. (Toldja!)
Kira: Oh, Jesse and I are goin’ out.
Jesse: For real?!
Kira: Not like that! To the bonfire, silly.
Larkin: Um… curfew?
Kira: Dude, my dad is the sheriff!
Larkin: …good point.
Back at the Hospital, Mariel just received the super-mega-evil jungle rabies memo. Sheriff McAlien comes in just in time to drop off lunch for his wife and reassure her that just because she survived the hurricane that doesn’t mean she’s going crazygonuts. She still doesn’t get it, and asks why she survived. For a split second, I was sure he was going to whip out another cliché like “true love conquers all”, or “it was meant to be”, or “because me and my alien cronies planned it all!” Instead, he looks down at the super-mega-evil jungle rabies memo and rushes off for a re-measure with Russell.
Russell, however, is driving around in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere and futzing with his radio when the sheriff totally cuts him off. They miss each other by |--| this much, and get out of their cars to out-macho one another.
Russell: Drive much?
Sheriff: KILLER MONKEYS! I was the first person you should have called!
Russell: Middle of Nowhere! Aren’t there looters you need to be arresting?
Sheriff: Aren’t there monkeys you need to be finding? A lockdown would have helped!
Russell: How do you figure?
Sheriff: Never mind, the point is you screwed up somehow.
Russell: Well I don’t need your help!
Sheriff: Well I don’t want to help you, but you’re gettin’ my help anyway!
Russell: It is so on now.
Now that we’re good and angsty… commercial!
It’s night by the time Dave gets home, and Larkin is out. He wakes her up by asking where the kids are and she is suddenly very awake. Jesse and Kira are not home and it is past curfew. You can practically see potential punishments floating around in Larkin’s head when Dave gets all shady about the park situation.
Larkin: Dave… what’s wrong?
Dave: Oh, you mean besides the unidentified lights in the water, the presence of aliens, and the fact that Russell and I found another dead body today?
Larkin: GET TO THE POINT, DAVE!
Dave: Well, there are a bunch of baboons running loose and they kinda have super-mega-evil jungle rabies and we’re all doomed.
Larkin: OMG! I gotta find that park!
Dave: Dude, the entire everglades is a park!
Larkin: Diseased monkeys, Dave! My husband will kill me!
At the bonfire, Kira is drinkin’ up and Jesse is clearly anti-social. He is also about to be more awkward, because Kira’s walking off with and getting felt up by Local Hottie as Grunge Boy offers Jesse 99 bananas (OMGYUM!) and babbles inanely about his dad being a ranger too. Jesse interrupts Kira’s little flirt-fest and tries to get her to leave, but this backfires royally. She ends up being carried away by Local Hottie, and he is supposed to just “wait for her.” Jesse hon, it’s probably gonna be awhile.
Back in the Forest of Potential Ambush, we learn that the Sheriff’s peon obviously does not understand the concept of hunting. He keeps asking really lame questions and Russell keeps answering them, no doubt to reinforce that he is the knowledgeable one ‘round these parts and that McAlien is a bit out of his element. I know for a fact they don’t teach Earth biology on planet Orange-Sea-Blob. I checked.
Russ, to his credit, tries to work around the mounting hostility between him and McAlien. He borrows the Sheriff's radio, and is surprised to learn that his home frequency is preprogrammed. “Only as long as we share children,” snaps McAlien, which is the witty equivalent of “but I still hate you, poo-poo face!” Russ lets it go and radios Larkin to check up on everyone. She, in turn, lies through her teeth and now she better find the kids, or come up with a damn good excuse for why they got invaded.
Staying with our Gonad Gladiators, the Sheriff starts taking pot-shots at Russell and Larkin’s relationship.
McAlien: “Aw, you guys are so cute. You’re like, newlyweds or something.”
Russell: We are newlyweds, d-bag. And don’t even start. I saw the first episode and heard what Mariel said.
McAlien: Goddamnit Russ! Can’t you let me emasculate you just a little bit?
Meanwhile, back in the hospital, we are seeing our first victims of the super-mega-evil jungle rabies. Mind you, once they contract the whateverthehell, they only have 48 hours to live so it ain’t lookin’ good for that cute little girl coughin’ up blood in the E.R.
Let’s not forget about our other cute girl though! Kira is currently getting “tortured” by having sand poured on her stomach so Local Hottie can “see if she’s worthy.” They flirt, they make out, and an orange blob doth approacheth!
Aaand commercial! P.S. Our local news is really annoying.
We’re back and our boys are still hunting baboons (I can’t believe I just wrote that. It’s sad ‘cause it’s true.). Lewis is still asking questions, and Russell turns around to shut him the hell up. It’s good advice too. Anyone that’s got the Discovery Channel or has seen Disney’s Tarzan knows this…which brings me to Russell’s next line.
Russell: If there’s one thing I learned from Tarzan, it’s that baboons are mean as all get out.
Sheriff McAlien: …oh whatever.
Lewis: … you knew Tarzan?
Russell: What? No! Now stfu n00b.
Sheriff McAlien: Woah, woah. Hold up, Lewis, I’m sensin’ monkey. My alien monkey-dar is beeping something fierce.
Head Monkey: AIIIEEEEEEEE! I scream at you whilst my minions rush by!
Baboons: *run like the wind*
Russell: Wait… what?
Lewis: Did we just get monkey-rushed?
Sheriff McAlien: *facepalm*
Back at the hospital, Mariel the Medicine Woman has identified the monkey-cootie as a strain of Asian flu – because, why not make a vague reference to a contemporary media scarefest? Anyway, the girl came from town and it’s highly unlikely she would have met up with a baboon on the corner of Franklin and Main. We find out that her father, however, is a minister and his church has become a relief center. In short, bad news, y’all.
Speaking of bad news, Jesse has been officially ditched by Kira and has resigned himself to sitting on the grass and looking consumptive and tragic while Larkin drives around and cries.
Anyway, our boys are army-crawling through the everglades to contain a threat that may not really even be a threat – so let’s return to that, shall we? They’ve spotted one, the male in fact. Russell apparently doesn’t remember telling that Lewis guy to stop asking questions 5 feet away from the diseased monkeys because he decides now would be a good time to probe Sheriff McAlien with questions about his excursion to Keylargo with Larkin.
Sheriff: Russ, just shoot the monkey.
Russell: No, tell me why.
Sheriff: Why you gotta be all up in my grill, man?
Russell: My wife.
Sheriff: OMG WHY DON’T YOU TRUST ME? We could totally be sleeping with our wives right now if you did.
Russell: One, you’re an alien. Two, that means you’d be sleeping with my ex-wife, so if you don’t mind I’m gonna go shoot this monkey over here and pretend it's your head.
Aaand from manly contest to teenage romance! Local Hottie is spooning Kira, who appears to be asleep with her clothes on, and that actually surprises me. Her studmuffin wakes up, and walks over to the water – presumably to take a leak. In the process, he sees an orange stingray of doom, and decides to go investigate… big surprise. He bends down to touch it, and for a moment we see from the alien’s perspective before it yanks him under the water and drags him out to sea! It did make a really pretty fountain-y effect though. Through all of this, Kira = zonk.
We come back to Kira waking up the next morning, and she seems vaguely uninterested in the fact that she was left behind by the Local Hottie. She finds his sandal floating just as Larkin walks up to bitch her out hardcore for staying out the whole night. They go find who is still waiting like a loyal puppy. They have a stern little family blame-session and then the Local Hottie wanders up naked, recieving applause and looking totally confused while everyone blatantly stares at his genitals.
Cut to Baboon’s Face. We see Mr. & Mrs. McAlien inside some sterile environment whilst tests are being conducted on the surprisingly peaceful baboon. Russell is evidently not allowed inside, because we see him behind a pane of glass, looking very displeased and markedly standing as far away from McAlien as is humanly possible.
The examiner comes out and breaks it to the group that none of the baboons are carriers, and that if they don’t find the real cause – well, in short, very bad news, y’all. In any case, they need to reinstate the quarantine, and Sheriff McAlien turns around to deliver a massive “told you so,” and a “my dick is officially 10 feet longer than yours” to Russell.
Sheriff McAlien goes all “Lockdown” control-freak while Mariel and Russell actually do something about finding the common thread. Mariel the Medicine Woman notices that all the victims are sprouting out from relief centers, and Russell, in a swift burst of mental logic, single-handedly comes up with the name of the carrier.
McAlien: That’s great, pal! I’ll take it from here.
Russ: Oh no you won’t!
Mariel: Oh, for the love of– put away your rulers and go together!
McAlien and Russ: Wait… what? Are you serious?!
Aaaand there he is! The guilty party! And there they are, with Russell leading the interrogation.
Russell: So there seems to be a connection between the relief centers and this flu thing.
Messr. Contaminant: Ok! Ok! I give! Arrest me!
Sheriff: You’re the carrier?
Russell: Like, duh.
Messr. Contaminant: But I’m not sick! I’m like…special or something.
Russell & Sheriff: …we’ll say.
Messr. Contaminant: What?
ABC: Commercial! …ok we’re back.
Sheriff: Did you do this on purpose?
Russell & Messr. Contaminant: Are you really that thick?
Sheriff: What? Just askin’.
Messr. Contaminant: It is kind of miraculous though. I’m passing it on but not sick myself.
Sheriff: Well let’s not jump to any conclusions about you not being “sick” here… (to radio) bring down an ambulance, a hazmat team,
Russell: Speaking of sick, did you touch my pretty little pregnant wifelet?
Messr. Contaminant: What? Oh, the reporter? No. Hot though.
Russell: Are you sure?!?
Sheriff: Calm down there skipper, let’s go. Ambulance will be here any second.
Russell: But I still have questions! Why isn’t he sick? Wait! Don’t push!
The Sheriff, like a gentleman, walks Russell back to his truck, congratulating him. Out of nowhere, he decides that quarantining Messr. Contaminant isn’t necessary, because the vaccines are coming. This is ridiculously shady, the creepy music is playing, and neither Russell nor I believe him. He is grinning triumphantly, and completely ignores Russell’s questions about why Messr. Contaminant isn’t sick, instead telling him to hurry along home while singing, “Neener neener neeener, I’ve got a bigger weiner!” into his radio as Russell drives away.
McAlien waits for Russell to be out of sight, and then returns to Messr. Contaminant. Did he even call the ambulance? He goes into the trailer against the warnings of Messr. Contaminant because he is obviously contagious. He shuts the door with a perfunctory, “Not to me.” Now that we have completely reinforced and bolstered his creepiness, we can end the episode! Tune in next week for more doom! Huzzah!
For the record, virtuistic's penis would be 10 miles long if she had one. Just so you know.
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