Invasion 1:3 -
Lights, camera, RESUME CONFUSION!
Dave with Tape Recorder: Testing, Testing… 1,2,3
Camera: Testing, Testing… dusty car.
Dave with Tape Recorder: Okay. We’re cut off from the outside world. The hurricane was a smoke screen, and now we’re all doomed. Aliens, y’all. Not only that, but alien penetration. Yeah, I know. I found a stanky-ass skeleton in the swamp that had been pierced through the ribcage. There seems to be a pattern between Bones VanSnuffedit I found and the Swimmerman Russell found.. They were pierced 12 times each. TWELVE. I had my own close encounter of the painful orange-blob kind. Luckily, my mind is not yet on an alien space ship. The military is trying to cover it up. I know because they stole the remains of Bones VanSnuffedit, and now the only clue I have is this stupid ring that I *think* belongs to Bonesy, but I’m not quite sure and it’s not nearly as gross/cool… But I am blowing up images of the
Larkin: Dude, stop geeking and come eat breakfast.
Dave: Ugh, fine.
Dave with Tape Recorder: Oh, and um…P.S. Everyone thinks I’m crazygonuts.
Larkin with Radio: Let me do the Airman story!
Val on Radio: No.
Larkin: …bitch. What is wrong with her?
faithlynn: Duh, her mind is on an alien space ship!
Larkin: Whatever, I’m grumpy. I’m pregnant. I’m goin’ to the relief center. Exeunt Larkin
virtuistic: I think there’s a country song in there somewhere…
Dave: We need to talk. *serious face*
Russell: … or not. A roof just caved in somewheres so I’m out.
Dave: Well will you meet me at the jewelers?
Russell: Why bother? I’m running tests on the spike-pod.
Dave: …DON’T STEAL MY THUNDER!
And flash to Mariel the Medicine Woman’s house.
Mariel: Hey look, the water works! Pardon me while I drown myself in it…
Rose: Um… Mom? Are you high?
Mariel: *is high on water*
Here Sheriff McAlien comes to save the day! … by turning off the water and bringing his wifelet’s brain at least partially back down to Earth. He mentions something about saving water blah, mushy ring blah, take the kids to school.
Mariel: Don’t have to. They decided to walk.
The Sheriff, whom I refuse to call Tom, says nothing, but his eyes say it all.
McAlien’s Eyeballs: You clearly don’t understand that our children are flirting.
Mariel’s Eyeballs: Baby, that’s some high quality H20.
Enter Russell… he has come to drop off his son’s headphones and since Mariel is late for work due to her water fix, and because Sheriff McAlien has places to go, people to creep out, etc., Russell gets suckered into staying at Casa de Extraterrestrial until Jesse and Kira get back.
Flash to Jesse and Kira, who are carrying gas from the relief center. Somethin’ tells me it’s gonna be awhile…
Meanwhile, Dave almost drives his car into a pile of crap. Evidently, he has gone to the jeweler’s on his own. The place has been looted, a generator is eeking poison into the air, and Dave is screaming for a shopkeep. You know some shit is about to go down.
Shit goes down. Out of nowhere, paranoid jeweler-man pops out with a gun. Clearly, he does not realize that Dave is practically crippled. Clearly, I say, because he unloads the following phrase, made of 24 carat paranoia.
Shopkeep: “Are you a looter? I’ll shoot you if you are.”
Dave: Dude, do you know any looters that walk into a store and repeatedly ask for a sales representative?
faithlynn: Hellooooooo? Anybody there? I’m going to rob you blind! H‘allo? I’m going to steal your life savings, ok?
Shopkeep: Good point but… I’m not open.
Dave: Your door is blown in. You may not be in business… but buddy, you are now permanently open. So if you could just look at something for me…
Shopkeep: *cocks gun*
At this point, Dave loses his nerve. I give him credit, because he’s been staring down the barrel of a potentially loaded gun for a while. Still, he finds it in his heart to tell the looney that if he leaves his generator inside he’ll be dead from poisonous gas.
Shopkeep: Hm. You are helpful. When the revolution comes your death shall be swift and painless. Show me the one ring.
Back to Kira and Jesse, who are in the middle of bumblefuck-nowhere, taking what scientists are referring to as a “short cut.” This “short cut” happens to have passed a Drowned Trailer of Doom. Kira wonders if, since half the trailor is above the water and it’s literally been days since the hurricane, anyone is in there. *facepalm*
faithlynn: Honey, if anyone is in there – you do not want to see that.
As if we couldn’t see this comin’ half a mile away, Kira totally coerces Jesse to swim around in the alien infested water by stripping. No good can come of this. Cue the creepy music!
Kira: Omg leik, everything is upside down!
Jesse: The trailer is upside down.
Kira finds a picture, Jesse prescribes the family dynamics of said picture, we hear the bass drum of doom and the camera zooms in ominously.
Kira: Omg leik, let’s raid the fridge!
Jesse isn’t paying attention. He’s being distracted by the orange, glowing stingray beneath the skylight. He tries vainly to get Kira’s attention, but she’s futzing around with the fridge and thus any and all attempts are completely, and utterly futile.
He, however keeps watching it. We get a great shot of the alien’s bioluminescence and then it ‘splodes.
Rose is showing Russell her room, and lets slip that apparently Casa de Extraterrestrial was unaffected by the hurricane. Suddenly, Kira bursts in screaming like a banshi. They rush out to the Drowned Trailer of Doom, and Russ dives in – shoes and all. The trailor done sunked and it’s lookin like Jesse might be d-e-d. Why Kira didn’t try to pull Jesse out – I don’t know, but now it’s up to Russell to scream his name frantically and paw at the RV. Russ swims in through the window to find Jesse with his head in an air pocket… However, he is blue and looks very d-e.d. On the way out, Russ sees the orange, glowing stingray responsible for bleeding his son blue. I seriously think he gave it the underwater skink-eye.
Russ rushes Jesse to the hospital, using the fact that Jesse happens to be Mariel the Medicine Woman’s son to get special attention. Jesse is bleeding. I fear he may have received some “gator bites” of his own.
Aaand now’s a good time to go to the Jewelry Shop! *fist* The shopkeep is still going on about looters and then takes a flying topic leap out of his personal pity party into snarking about the “amature” engraving. And Christ, it’s a wedding ring and whoever it belongs to was married on Valentine’s Day, 1986. *gagbarf*
Back to the Hospital… they’re running low on AB Negative, and Jesse has lost a lot of blood. Evidently, he has not been “gator bit”, but was cut by glass shards – which seems disturbingly normal. (Especially after the those picture windows blew in and no one had so much as a bruise. I never thought anyone would suffer a logical injury on this show.)
And Commercial! Wheeeee constipation!
Larkin is whining about the relief center story when a helicopter and three semi trailers without markings - apparently from the military – cruise through. Larkin tapes them instead, because she’s … well, a good journalist.
It is very tense in the Waiting Room of Guilt, and Kira apologizes to Mariel and Russell but refuses to give any information. Instead, she petulantly stomps off. Helpful, I tell you what.
Russell with Radio: Oi, Plebe! I can’t come in to work, but I need you to stop what you’re doing and bring me something.
My money is on the alien spike-pod.
Sheriff McAlien is at some refugee spot for displaced Huricanians. Some grandmother is begging him to let her go get her clothes and her grandson’s baby album. He says he’ll send someone out to get it, she starts rambling about weight percentiles and he heads for the hills. Larkin shows up and asks him about the quarantine and “safety circle”, which is apparently still in effect. So she whips out evidence of the semitruders with their avian escort, and McAlien dismisses them as military kind. Though he tries to pass it off as no big deal, Larkin isn’t buying it and starts bombarding him with questions because she’s… well, a good journalist.
Sheriff McAlien: Dude, you don’t want to get involved.
Larkin: But that Air Force guy my husband found is dead and they lied to his wife.
Sheriff: You talked to his wife? (OMGCREEPY!)
Larkin says she’s gonna do this story, figure out what the connection is and tell the story come hell or high water. She is asking him for help and fanning his ego. He looks cocky. This is bad.
Russell is at the hospital and is upset about Jesse’s injuries, and the fact that they were alone, and blah blah blah. Mariel is giving blood, and she gets all defensive and screams about how they’re kids. However, she suddenly hears the sound of water pouring and her reaction is akin to a crack addict hearing the whisper of a recently lit pipe.
Meanwhile, Kira is walking down a lonely road, weeping like a small child. Dave drives by, and she drops the Jesse-is-in-the-hospital shitbomb on him – and they take off for Casa de Extraterrestrial.
At the hospital, Plebe Mona has brought the spike pod to Russell. (Cha-CHING!) She asks questions and somehow we’re back to the deep sea fish.
Completely oblivious to the medical emergency, Sheriff McAlien has brought Larkin to meet General Conspiracy in order to “help with the story”. *cough* She shows him the picture and he immediately identifies the semitruders as an Air Force clean up crew – addressing a sewage leak in Key Largo. Larkin looks disappointed, and terminates the questioning. As they leave, Sheriff McAlien and General Conspiracy nod at one another – which means they’ve totally just lied.
Larkin, however, tells McAien that he and his friend are full of shit. She knows because she covered the closing of yon sewage plant a month ago. Suddenly, he gets all vague about an operation and tries to tell her, once again, to stay out of it. He tries threats and cajoleries, but she doesn’t bite. He offers a bit of information, but now she officially doesn’t believe a word he says because she’s… well, a good journalist.
Manwhile, back in Hospitalton, Mariel is letting her son die so that she can splash her face with water. Jesse is evidently reacting negatively to her blood, which is clearly not compatible because she’s a freaking alien.
And Commercial! I HATE THIS TALKING BABY! *STAB!*
Dave and Kira are at Casa de Extraterrestrial, and she gives him the radio. No one is answering, so Dave takes this opportunity to tell Kira that her mom was hot before she died. We then find out that Sheriff McAlien was apparently in “the first gulf war.” (HAH!) He then asks her why she thinks what happened to Jesse is her fault
In summary, this entire scene = Kira has a guilt complex.
Dave is all, go you! …and we’re not quite sure why…
Over in Hospitaltown, Mariel the Medicine Woman may or may not be crying. Russell is chasing after her to figure out what the hell is up. She, of course, doesn’t know. She’s too high on dihydrogen monoxide. Russell tries to convince her to take a break while he snoops around and tries to figure out what’s up with Mariel’s blood sample… except they can’t find it because they evidently lost their file cabinets in the hurricane.
Us: WTF? What did you do? Put them out on the front lawn?
After a lot of babbling about potentially giving Jesse the wrong blood, they find the results but need to run tests again. Evidently, the “equipment” was “contaminated”. Unless, of course, Mariel is a dolphin, or whale, or mermaid,
Dark Green Rainy Somwhere. Cop-car… aaaand Sheriff McAlien is taking Larkin uh, wherever it is they’re going. McAlien says “Key Largo” but Larkin says “Bullshit.” She points out that they’re totally not going the right way. Detour to doom, yeehaw!
Back by Jesse’s bed, Mariel has been looking down at her son with the same facial expression for a good five minutes. Russ walks in and seems to want to ask her if she’s either a dolphin, whale, mermaid,
Sheriff McAlien starts probing Larkin about things changing when the baby is born. Yeah. Creepy.
After a brief scene at the hospital when Russell tells Mariel about the blood-lab being hella disorganized, we return to Casa de Extraterrestrial. Dave and Kira are on the radio fighting for access to info. Dave is all, but I’m his father’s new wife’s brother
Nurse on Radio: No dice, Paco.
So Kira hops on, lays the “I’m-gonna-get-you-fired-if-you-don’t-le
Aaaanyway Sheriff McAlian and Larkin are traipsing through the foresty nowheres, and Larkin is still lost and whiney. Suddenly, they are in a clearing and there are more semitruders. McAlien takes this opportunity to tell Larkin that if she ever tells anyone what she sees she is so not welcome in his happy little friendship group anymore.
Apparently, they are clearing up an airplane crash that allegedly happened whilst investigating a previous airplane crash! Wheee! This crashed plane was looking for the weather plane that went BOOM in the pilot episode. There are totally guys in hazmat suits carrying a suspicious steel trunk, and Sheriff McAlien looks as though they’re carrying away the remains of his wife, which is more than a little possible.
Back at Casa de Terrestrial, Kira and Dave get good news and decide to stop gawking at Kira’s mother and drag themselves to the hospital. As they are leaving, the camera zooms in on a caption on the back of the picture frame.
“Two Become One
Dun dun dunnnnnn!! It’s really almost tragic that Dave missed that tidbit of information. Never mind, it’s totally tragic.
Back at the Hospital, it’s a happy reunion. Jesse wakes up, and everyone smiles and it is very touching. He mumbles something about everyone being out of focus, and Dave tells him to roll with it. Kira makes herself known, the two lovebirds grin at each other, and Russell gives Kira all the credit she totally doesn’t deserve. Mariel and Rose come in and it’s one big, happy, partially-alien family! Russ asks about Mariel’s blood tests, and she
After some touching interaction between ex-husband and ex-wife, we see Mariel in the tub, getting her water fix. Honestly, she’s like a heroin addict.
Dave steps in something ass-nasty. Then he is talking to his recorder again. We are left with the parting message of “Stay out of the water” while Mariel soaks her head, opens her eyes and smiles. Seriously, what the hell?
Next week, Baboons! Not even kidding.
virtuistic and faithlynn are … well, good journalists.
This recap brought to you by Phillips Canadian Whisky.
Copyright © virtuistic 2005