Invasion 1:2 "Lights Out"
I *think* it opens with Russ hunched over the alien-skeleton ooze-bucket. He hears an unidentified BOOM and jumps like a sissy, as one does. Aaaand cut to the hospital!
We enter to find Russ talking to Dave who has just been bitten by what scientists are referring to as a "gator." Dave is trying desperately to convince Russ that he was attacked by an EBE a.k.a Extraterrestrial Biological Entity. Russ is like, dude whatever, you’re a freak. Dave is all: "ORANGE BLOB!" and tells him to go back home and look at the carcass again. Even though he totally just did that.
Russ is very obedient and listens to the wounded crazy. We don’t remember exactly what happens here but Russ ends up in his shed for no readily apparent reason. During his wanderings, he comes across a moving, wheezing, plastic, blob of doom! The camera moves in slowly to further terrify the audience, we see a nose, Shelby squeals like a small girl, leaps into Faith’s lap, and then after 45 bajillion years Russ pulls the plastic away to find an unidentified man in a wetsuit(not an alien.)! He is injured. Lots, and lots, of bleeding. Thus, Russ goes back to the hospital again with crazy wet-suit man in tow.
Somewhere along the way, he looks at Swimmerman’s wounds and notices a disturbing similarity between his wounds and the "gator bite" on Dave’s leg. As if this isn’t gross enough, Mommy Dr. Woman (Mariel, former wife of Russ and now married to Sheriff McAlien. Ahh, what a tangled web we weave.), decides this would be a great time to cut off Swimmerman’s wetsuit and show us more bleeding. Ew, y’all.
Russ, being tricksy as all get out, has taken pictures of Swimmerman’s various and sundry puncture holes with his camera phone, unwraps Dave’s bandage, and compares. They’re a perfect match! It’s like memory, but way more disturbing.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (No really, It’s a ranch.), Larkin (Russ’s Wife with a thoroughly ridiculous name) calls and whines about the lack of power.
Russ: Well, y’know honey, we did just have a hurricane.
Larkin: But I wanna use my computerrrrr!
Russ: Just don’t go to the shed. Shed is bad!
Larkin: Dude, whatever. I wanna use my ‘puter.
So she finds the generator, surprisingly without incident. She walks to the house, surprisingly without incident. We, however, see a swimming orange blob behind her. Forshadowing, omg.
Back in Hospital Town, Dave has manifested a camera, hobbled his way over to Swimmerman’s (who is also a David. David Paxon to be exact) quarters, and is also taking pictures of the wounds. During this candid camera-fest, David wakes up and grabs Dave’s hand, whispering in a panic, "DON’T LET THEM IN!" They, of course, come in.
Sheriff McAlien: Whaddaya doin’?
Dave: AIEE! *cringe*
Time passes (we hope.). Mariel the Medicine Woman is pulling off swimmerman’s bandages and they are ooooozing. The puncture holes are beginning to raise and they look like mosquito bites form hell, but no! No wait! That’s an alien spike-pod in his temple! Mariel is combing through his scalp when she combes out this thing that looks like a diseased radish. She pokes it, and it flops. Then, without warning a spike shoots out of it and we jump a good three feet.
Back at Mariel the Medicine Woman’s ranch, the kids are putting each other to bed. Rose – the cute one – is like omg mommy hasn’t called yet! Jesse – the stoic brother – is like, "Dude, she’s a grown-up."
Meanwile, back at the ranch ranch, Russ is for some reason wandering into the pond of orange alien terror. Somehow, he manages to yank dog tags out of the primordial ooze and in a swift burst of logic he concludes they belong to the random swimmer-guy he found half-dead in the shed.
Sometime in the morning, he and Larkin get into bed and Larkin literally tells him that he smells. Russ is all, "Woman! HURRICANE! No water! No shower!"
Larkin: Not true!
She finds him a shower outside. They wash each other and have a deep, meaningful conversation. Kids walk in. Talk about family togetherness… they have breakfast. Russ shows his daughter ferns, because he is a closet botanist.
The Next Day in Hospital Town, Mariel the Medicine Woman is now helping a very confused looking woman who turns out to be Larkin’s editor. Apparently, she too was found naked in the marsh, just like Mariel! Mariel makes some crack about how they’re both good swimmers. Val says she can’t swim. But the aliens can! Dun dun dun dunnnn!
Russ comes in after checking on Dave and swimmerman to drop off the dog tags he found, and chastise Mariel.
Russ: You left the kids alone last night.
Russ: They came over to my house.
Mariel: Why would they do that?
Russ: Earth to Mariel! IF YOU’RE GONNA BE OUT LATE, CALL!
Mariel: Here. Have an alien spike-pod.
Mariel mumbles something about spores, not bacteria and this being Russ’s area of expertise, because he is a closet botanist ... and a park ranger or similar. Russ leaves, enter Sheriff McAlien.
Mariel: So, I kind of lost my wedding ring.
Sheriff McAlien: Hurricane.
Mariel: I can’t believe I forgot about the kids. I didn’t even think about them. Didn’t even cross my mind.
Sheriff McAlien: You’re under a lot of stress.
Mariel: I don’t know. It feels like part of me is here... but part of me is being pulled ...somewhere else.
Sheriff McAlien: I don’t know about you, but my mind is on an alien spaceship.
Sheriff McAlien then goes to fetch Father Catholic to "see to" Swimmerman, whom Mariel assures us "will not make it through the night." *cough cough* Father Catholic starts muttering religious things over David, who reacts as though he is undergoing an exorcism. During the commotion, Sheriff McAlien steals his dog tags. Why? We don’t know. His mind is on an alien spaceship.
Somewhere in the hurricane-blasted boonies, Larkin is trying to get… somewhere. Police – lots of police – will not let her get there. She, however, is very tricksy and dirt-roads it in her flashy SUV, surprisingly without incident.
While she is in transit, Dave (who is now out of the hospital) and Russ go to look at the mutant skeleton one last time before "handing it over." The skeleton is. not. there. Perhaps it has melted, we’re not sure but we wouldn’t be overly surprised.
Larkin has reached her destination, which turns out to be Swimmerman’s house! She meets his wife who says "if you wanna talk to my husband, you can’t. He’s overseas."
Larkin: Uh…. He’s in the hospital.
Wife de Swimmerman: *freaks out, locks door, tries phone*
Larkin: Woman! HURRICANE!
Dave the Alien Identifier is going all conspiracy theory on Russ on their way back to the ranch. Russ is not amused.
Dave: The government is hiding things, omg! The sheriff married your wife! Clearly there is a vast conspiracy!
As they pull into the driveway, Sheriff McAlien is waiting! Or not. He’s actually just there with Mariel the Medicine Woman to pick up the kids. Bummer.
Larkin has apparently teleported because she is back in civilization. In fact, she is at her job – which is some form of news broadcast station. She tells her editor about this story she wants to do about Swimmerman, the military covering things up, and the vast governmental conspiracy!
Val: David is dead, so it doesn’t matter. Let’s not talk about it. I don’t wanna hear it.
Larkin: But… but… I wanna!
Val: No dice, Paco.
Larkin: WHY WON’T YOU HELP ME?
Val: Because. My mind is on an alien spaceship.
Larkin: *stink eye*
Also, the Air Force has whisked away David Paxon’s (aka Swimmerman) body, which isn’t even remotely conspicuous. Noooo.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch again,
Dave: DUDE! ALIENS!
Russ: Ok. So maybe I believe you about this whole conspiracy thing. HOW WILL THIS AFFECT MY FAMILY? *sniff* How am I gonna protect my kids when they’re living with two aliens?
By the way, there is slime everywhere in that trunk – which is pretty hilarious, seeing as Dave distinctly told Russ not to get his car dirty earlier in the episode (I told you the skeleton melted!). and because they’re boys who like gross things, they go digging through it. Somehow, they pluck Mariel’s wedding ring out of the skele-goo.
Flash to very touching moment with Mariel and Rose!
Mariel: No, I won’t leave you, except wait… the hospital is calling so uh, we’ll pick this up tomorrow.
She exits stage right, enter Sheriff McAlien, who asks in the creepiest voice ever, "Do you have something you want to tell me?" Rose says yes because she is the weirdest. child. ever.
Rose: I was wandering around in the hurricane and I saw lights fall into the water and they were all pretty-like!
Me: OMG NO! SHE’S TALKING TO THE ALIEN! SHUT UP, KID!
Sheriff McAlien: Can you keep a secret?
Rose: *nod nod*
faithlynn and virtuistic take an exhausted bow.
And this is probably in the wrong order, and these are probably the wrong character names, and we probably missed half the episode, but we do know at one point that Russ was flipping through a book filled with pictures of really, really, weird-ass looking, extremely deep sea fish. We can’t tell you why. Really, really deep sea fish. They have teeth and tentacles. We are terrified.
Tonight’s episode was brought to you by... freaks. Thank you and goodnight.