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i'm so sick of this.

i'm feeling sick again. i hope its just the msg. We went out for chinese food again. i should stop doing that. it probably isnt good for me. neither is thinking. thinking should stop. I'm done with finals, i passed them all i got a 99 on my god forsaken college english! why cant the thoughts stop?? couple things bothering me. i feel so ... ugly. . undesirable . sigh .

5 days and it will be exactly one month since ian & i have been apart. i dont even know how i feel anymore. i want him back but in the same token i dont. I want him back on very strict conditions. and i dont think he even wants to talk to me. i'd like to be friends at least. then i'd have someone to talk too...

I dont know. i dont feel worth anything. and in the same token i dont feel. i've been acting so happy, and i've been at least remotely amused at times, but someone can say something to me and its like it doesnt even affect me. i feel dead. well no, because if i was i'd be happy and i'm the farthest from that right now. i just feel like crying . . .

and crying.

it's all i do anymore.

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