Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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I love me some pistachios...

I think I have tuberculosis. I've been coughin' like nobody ain't never been coughin' before. How'dya like that for rampant negation, eh? This is what I've become. With that, some open letters.

An Open Letter to J.C.

Dear, Sweet Christ,

I have lost my mind. I will miss it terribly. We were quite a pair at one point. If you see fit, or see it, help me out. I think I might need that thing.

Thank you, Your Holiness.
Your humble, normally-more-verbose Servant,


An Open Letter to My Survey of Dramatic Literature "Professor"

Dear Sir,

Why do you have to be a nice guy? If you were a ginormous jerkwad as well as a rambling buffoon, it would be markedly easier to hate you. You irritate me to high heaven with your total lack of coherency. You inufuriate me with your complete disregard for grammar. Your voice is annoying by itself; yet you insist on coupling it with words like "poopie", and then I want to die. If you were an ass, I would want you to die. I would be enraged, and perhaps take matters into my own hands. Unfortunately for yours truly, you are more akin to a retarded goldfish, trying desperately to gargle your way to success in this classroom-fishbowl. You are friendly and zealous, you dart about the room. Back and forth, to and fro, on and on with reckless abandon. You are, however, obviously very confused and overwhelmed. You, being a retarded goldfish, neither have the capacity to articulate your thoug- well, who am I kidding?- anything to humans, nor do you possess the memory capacity to formulate a plan, let alone a simple sentence. Still, you are seemingly innocent, mild mannered, sincere, and appear to be genuinely kindhearted. I can find no fault in your character and that is severely complicating this situation. You are obscenely annoying, and yet I think that it's all just the result of unfortunate circumstance. You cannot help that you are a retarded goldfish. That is simply how you were made. However, this does not mean that I have to enjoy your class. In fact, it pretty much guarantees that I will sit in the back, doodle, and sulk. Though I'm sure you'll hardly notice through the blur of unrelated bullshit masquerading as course material, it would not do well for you to call on me during class.

Soon to be forgotten,
Never mind, you already did.
Tags: angst, open letters, school
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