I never should have stopped writing, because I think it would have helped me work through this whole process a lot faster. It's been a really confusing time, both unpleasant and educational. I bought Bubble Tape the other day for purely nostalgic reasons. It still tastes like shit and loses it's flavor after 2 minutes, but for some reason - that's reassuring. Some things never do change...
1. For those who don't know, Damon and I are "taking a break". I haven't talked to many people about it, simply because I don't want to. My pessimism leads me to think that it's more than a break. I think it'll probably be a permanent break-up, even though he insists that "nothing is permanent" and even though I really want to be with him. For a few days, I was really irritated with myself for just giving in when he said he wanted to take a break. Basically, I think we made a lot of progress in just talking after I agreed to end it, and I don't think we tried nearly as hard as we could have or should have. Then again, there can't be a relationship if one of the two doesn't want it... and at the time, I accepted the aforementioned as fact and sacrificed my own wants due to what I perceived as unavoidable and un-negotiable. Still, he says he wants to be friends, and hang out, and said that I am "a really awesome person. Just really cool." Still, I am kind of kicking myself because it's not in my character to simply give up a good thing. Nevermind a damn good thing. I fight for what I want, and this time I didn't. I regret it. I really enjoyed our relationship and it really came as a shock when it ended. For awhile I was clinging to hope, which is never wise. It took him four days to negate our relationship on facebook (yeah, I really am that lame) and I thought maybe... just maybe he was regretting it too. So when it was gone, it was like getting hit with recoil. I don't know why I put so much weight on something as trivial as pushing a button... maybe just because that's how I asked him out. I guess it doesn't matter. I still want to be friends, at the very least. I'm waiting for him to call, I wont be the one to do it. He broke it off, he can make the call when he's ready. I don't want to make things worse. There are no hard feelings, but there is fear.
This past week I have noticed that my phone has been markedly quiet. I also tried calling Jacky and Dan over the weekend and neither of them answered, and that has been troubling me. I know they are more Damon's friends than mine, but I still consider them friends and I don't want to lose them because of this. I was really terrified of losing Aaron too, but thankfully that has been safely averted. I really enjoy being his friend, and consider him one of the few people up here that I can really talk to. Still, with Jacky's party coming up next weekend, and having not heard a peep from either Damon, Jacky, or Dan... I don't want to be left out. I've been looking forward to that party ever since Dan made mention of it back in May. Damon said he'd still like for us to go... but I dont know if he trusts me not to be awkward about it. I don't know. I'm ok. I've accepted it and I've moved on. I'm back to being myself. I'm not 100% happy, per se and I'm definitely feeling pretty lonely, but I will be fine. I always am.
2. My social life has been seriously lacking due to my new job. Excepting weekends, I can't afford to be up too late during the week and I don't even get home until around 6. Normally then, I'm too exhausted to do something immediately thereafter anyway. This is very distressing. While I need the money, and I'm very thankful to have a job that I enjoy, pays well, and offers benefits after 6 months of employment - I am not a money slave. Nor am I content about working in an office (even if it is a corporate suite) for a corporation. Part of me feels like I've compromised my principles and sold my soul to the devil. Still, I guess everyone has to play the game at some point. I'd like to bring down the corporate hierarchy system someday, just because I think it's so vile. Money is not, and has never been, my priority. I would rather have a flourishing social life than a bulging bank account. I miss my friends, and lately I've been wondering how many I have. Sandy is out of town, Nic works all the time, Eric's phone is a whore, Nikki works a lot, as does Aaron, and other than that, I just hung out with Damon a lot. Admittedly, a bit more than even I liked ... I'm a whore for variety, but I couldn't turn him down when he asked me to come over when I didn't have any other plans. I've never been one to sit at home. Therefore, this no-doing-anything-after-work thing is driving me fucking mental. So if you read this, fucking call me - please. Even if just to talk. I'm so sick of sitting in this apartment alone with nothing but music and internet to console me.
3. I've been thinking a lot about my personality, and my future. Whenever something changes I tend to get really introspective and that's where I've been. I have been losing a lot of my train of thought while writing the rest of this, so I'll probably have to come back to it later. Still, when comparing myself to Carmen - friend of 11 years, and Alyssa - friend of 6, I realized that I'm still very much the person that they look to for advice or direction. I know that I have a strong personality, it's pretty solid. I was put here to rock, and I think I fairly well do. I know who I am, I know what I like. Still, at times I feel like a walking contradiction. I am not a loud person, but I am definitely heard. I'm opinionated but I'm not dismissive. I'm very spontaneous but I'm also hyperanalytical... and I know a lot of people see me as this bastion of strength. I don't cry in front of people, I don't ask for help, I always have advice when asked - blah blah. Still, I know my weaknesses and I know I have some petty insecurities that I normally can keep in check. Still, I was thinking about my goal of being an author, and how I really want to help better the world, spread hope and knowledge and all that idealistic shit. I think I can do it. I think I can, somehow on some scale, help. I feel like I simply have to...part of me knows that I won't rest until I do. Somedays I feel like I can dominate and fix, other days I feel like it's all so futile. Still, today on the bus back home I was asking myself if I really want to be a leader, or a role model, or whatever. Sometimes I get so exhausted just being the supportive block for my friends... could I really handle much else? I could, I think. But would I want to? I don't know. I guess... It's too early to really tell I guess... and the ball is already rolling so I'm just going to go with it. Still... I've been thinking.
I wish life would stop being so weird.