Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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My middle name should be Grace.

So I'm here to share some wisdom with you lot: Closets are treacherous and umbrellas are crippling. I was preparing for work in the morning, and getting my Pier 1 apron down from a hook that was shared by a small umbrella. From out of fuckin' nowhere, the umbrella decides to not only jump ship, but to attack. With perfect aim and angle, the base of the umbrella hit just between the base of my pinky toe and it's neighbor. It dive-bombed me, ON POINT, from eye level. There was a terrific CRACK sound resulting from the impact, and a terrific CURSE emanating from my vocal chords as a result of the excrutiating pain. At the time, I didn't think anything of it. This morning, when I woke up from the throbbing, quarter sized welt and choked down the ibuprofen - calling work and telling them that I'm effectively lame, I decided that the umbrella should pay for it's treachery. I haven't devised a particular plan yet, but you just wait. If any of you have some interesting ideas, be sure to let me know.

The side of my foot is turning purpley-black, and I keep hearing Ron's voice in my head saying, "It's too late. It's ruined. They'll have to chop it." No good can come of this.

Now for something entirely different, totally heard a gunshot last night. Uhhh... living in the city rocks? In the country you hear gunshots and you don't think anything of it. Hell, it's probably just Steve shooting a rabbit, a snapping turtle, or just shooting because that's what you do in the country. In the city, however, you hear a gunshot and the last thing you're thinking is "stray dangerous zoo animal", though desperate fleeting hope will eventually bring that possibility to mind. Instantly, you stop and your back of your brain rear-ends the frontal lobe to create a massive, full-body "Oh shit." You regroup, during which time you resemble a frightened rabbit because every single muscle in your body has constricted, and then you try to play it off like you're too badass to care. In the words of Aaron, "whatev, he probably deserved it."

I'm going to eat a whole shitload of asparagus tonight and I'm looking forward to it. I need to pack tonight. I've decided that I am just going to do all my laundry at home. It's two dollars per load here. Excuse moi? Fuck no, not today - thank you kindly. I can't decide if I'm going to sleep tonight... because I want to watch Stage Beauty with Miah, and then there's the whole packing thing, and the phone calls and the .... ugh.


J.J. Abrams, why are you such a prick?
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