Alright... since a whopping 66.7% of ye who took the poll want it... BEHOLD, OEDIPIZZLE! Note, this is not part of Oedipus Mack-Daddy Rex. Think of this as a side-project. Also, I am proud to let you know that the runner up in the poll was toast. TOAST! Thanks, guys. *blows raspberry*
The scene opens to the Attendant/Narrator and Jocasta's hanging silhouette on the curtains of her bed. OMG it's so HAPPY!
Attendant: That bitch did it herself,
Ya’ll didn’t see it, and won’t see the worst.
This is straight hood.
But I peeped it and I’m goin’ remember.
An’ Ima tell ya’ll wassup.
The truth. The straight dope.
Of her last agony.
Lights go down and Jocasta moves to enter from stage left once the attendant begins narrating again. Yeah...this will be traumatic. Use your imagination, ye who shall not see.
Attendant: I seen her run into the be’room.
Finna go crazy, outta her damn mind.
Straight to where the magic happens.
(pointing to bed) Right, here . (pronounced "hurr")
Hands all rippin’ on her hair and shit,
Slammed the fuckin’ doh’.
To be seen no mo’.
Bitch started screamin’ fo her former baby daddy.
Long since dead... LAIUS! (insert "shoulder bounce" here) Holla...
Startin’ recollectin’ her baby child from long ago,
Didn’t think she’d see his ass one more again.
But that’s bullshit cos the same mothafucka 86’ed her baby-D!
Now that’s a damn shame…
The shit gets heavy here, this be wack.
She done married that mothafuckin’ murderin’ son.
Now he her new boo.
And they had chillins that shoulda neva been bo’n.
So when she learned this shit, she was like DAYUMN.
An’ she done lost her mind.
Thinkin’ about the truth’s that be,
Got bizzy with the son from her first matrimony.
So much I heard. (pause)
Her death was hidden from me.
Que music, Attendant exits stage right, Jocasta performs "Death Ballet" and hangs herself in front of an audience. Wheee exhibitionism!
Attendant: Befo’ I peeped this shit Oedipizzle busted in ravin’,
An’ I’uz scared shitless.
Freakin’. Stalkin’. Walkin’. Screamin’.
Oedipizzle: A blade, a blade! Give me a mothafuckin’ blade! Where’s my bitch? Where’s that ho’? My momma, now my boo.
Attendant: He was goin’ ape. I wasn’t goin’ do or say shit.
I donno how he knew, but that dawg was fina go crazy.
Throwin’ himself at the door, nearly shattered that mothafucka.
Busted that shit off its hinges,
Stumbled into the be’room.
An’ then we saw... we saw Jocasta.
Swingin’ (pause) ... like a pair of shoes hanging on a phone line.
When Oedipizzle peeped dat, it was over.
He took her down, laid her on the ground.
Oedipizzle stumbles away, apparently in terrible grief. De-blings and disrobes to white. Comes back to his wife/mother (Ew. Just ew.), and sobs like a four-year-old over her dead body.
Attendant: Then shit just got worse.
Seein’ the ice on her neck, he ripped that shit off and rammed it into his eyes.
Eyes that would never see his shame or guilt one more again.
Never again see those they shoulda never seen.
Banished to the world of night.
And damn, he fucked his eyes up.
Ova and ova and ova again.
‘Til bloody tears ran down his face.
Not drops, fuckin’ flowin’.
Drenching cataracts of scarlet rain.
And that, my friends, is how you make disturbing Greek theatre into sheer hilarity. Although the scene will unfortunately be performed with undue amounts of seriousness and few furrowed brows (mainly those of El Director and Stephie McSet DeSign), ya'll are going to miss one hell of a beautiful performance. Unless circumstances dictate otherwise (i.e. You uh, live here. Yeah.)