WHY FOR DO YOU NOT WORK?!? You have a few relatively simple jobs: 1) transport oxygen, antibodies and nutrients, and 2) to clot when I fall and lacerate myself due to you failing to accomplish the first task. Pardon me if I'm a little irritated but it doesn't seem like too much to ask. I know constantly being pushed around isn't always fun but if you want to survive, deal with it. I like you, I really do. I want you to survive and have longevity. Don't worry, I will be talking to Pancreas too, as that prankster's been mucking about with the insulin and glucagon again. I apologize for the fact that this letter took a harsh turn at the beginning, but we need to come to an understanding. I shelter you within myself, and I do not spill and waste you. I keep you safe within my veins whenever possible and my heart is gentle - as evidenced by the difficulty medical practitioners have when attempting to find my pulse. I keep your pressure low, so as not to strain you. We could make a great team. I'll keep you safe inside, you keep me safe from the inside and stray not into the hypoglycemia binging.
Open Letter to My Broccoli
For such a delicious and healthy food, you have proven to be quite a pest in the past 20 minutes. I enjoy that you are sopping in the Garlic Sauce that my chinese leftovers are drowning in. I do not, however, enjoy how difficult it is to eat you when equipped with chopsticks for dining utensils. I can do rice. I can do carrots and bamboo, but I have to chase you around the bowl for minutes at a time. I have tried several tactics, alternating from scooping, pinching, and stabbing - all equally ineffective. You skirt away, teasing me. My stomach is growling, and you are evading. I can understand if you are afraid to undergo the digestive process as I would never want to experience such a thing, but that is your calling. Accept the challenge! I know you can succeed. I have faith in you. I am not asking you to change your shape, size or ideology, I am merely asking you to comply with the inevitable.
P.S. I am going to eat you. There's no getting out of it. The sooner you behave the sooner it'll all be over with. This is all in your best interest, really.
Open Letter to My Allergies
I'd like to start off by thanking you. Without you interfering with my breathing, sleeping, and contentment in general, I wouldn't relish good health as much as I do now. Without all of the snrrking, the phlegm, and congestion headaches I doubt that I would have felt this genuine, heartfelt appreciation. I will no longer take it for granted. That being said, enough is enough. It's the same stuff every year. One would think that after all of this time you'd be able to conquer, adapt, or at least cope. The joke is wearing thin. Quit barricading my sinuses and nostrils and let me enjoy a snrrrkless spring.
Still Poppin' Pills,
Stuffy McSniffsalot of Histimineville
Open Letter to My Lighter
We need to talk. I'm feeling a bit like the woman who is awake and terrified at 3 a.m. because her significant other hasn't shown up or called. You mean a lot to me, and when you go missing unannounced I worry. No note, no mention, no trail. This morning you weren't there when I needed you most. I was heartbroken, and though you are now currently seated beside me I still feel wounded.
You are unreliable, in every sense of the word. You don't always want to "perform" for me and this is something I can't quite figure out. Am I not attractive enough? Have you found someone new that revs your fiery passions and lights your flame more effectively than I? I know that you are not out of fuel, for when I shake you I can hear it inside. Occasionally you will spark and light briefly for me, as if to reassure me that you are still alive, albeit unhappily. If you are playing hard to get, please don't.
Am I misreading the signs? Are you considering leaving me for someone else's cigarettes and pocket? We've been together for years, through thick and thin, and had many wonderful times together. Remember the fireworks? Remember the Radiohead concert? Remember the peace pipe? I love you, lighter. Although, it seems as though this love may be unrequited. I'm sure you'll let me know your decision the next time I try to spin your wheel, but do not pity me. I am strong enough to accept your decision. After all, it's a big world and I'm sure I could find a new lighter if I had to, but that's not really preferable.