Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Shelby,

With as much respect as I have for you, you really need to focus. Perhaps it hasn't entirely dawned on you that your paper is due tomorrow and what with three apartment showings, Mitch Hedberg's wake, and drawing Miah there will be no time. Seize the moment! Your opportunity is now!

Granted, I understand the thrill of punching the keys at 130 wpm as you scramble to throw a paper together in the 10 minutes before class starts but mind you, this gets graded. Panic may be your muse, but we can't afford to take too many risks with 25% of your grade. No ma'am. You want no truck with the God of Quarter-of-your-Grade Papers. You should revere said God, and be prepared to offer sacrifice if necessary.

As I am sure your motivation is practically nonexistent, allow me to assist you in beginning this tedious process. Stop whining and making that face. The whole world is well aware that you don't want to, but you have to sooner or later (preferably sooner) so deal with it. First, find the assignment sheet. This in itself will be an undertaking as you apparently, through all your efforts to remain organized, are anything but. Search through the pile of papers that exploded over by the refrigerator. That's your best bet, if memory serves correctly. Yes, find it. You will need it if you are to have any sense of direction when writing. If you have lost it, call someone who has one. This is not negotiable. Stop sticking out your tongue, it's unattractive. No squinching of the nose either. There you go. That's better.

Well, it seems by some act of God you have managed to locate the assignment sheet. You have read it over and I know what you have done. You have read the "2-3" page requirement and are laughing jovially, your glass of procrastination juice is filled to the brim with delicious and refreshing lethargy, and you are planning to put the paper off. No. Bad Shelby. Stop looking at pictures of dashing Englishmen, stray not into fantasy, and turn not thy fine head away from thy task. The task that thou has come upon is a noble task. Plus, it's easy. Let me stress again that this most emphatically does not mean that you can put it off any longer. Treat this like the reviews that you will someday have to kick out, on a specific schedule. There's a little thing in this world called a "deadline". It has this name for a reason. That reason being, when you have a task to do that is expected to be finished by a certain line demarcated in time which you for some reason or another have not completed, you die. They will kill you. They are savage. Remember that.

All cajoleries and threats aside, you have the assignment outline and the time. Stop whining, grimacing, and writing this open letter. Inhale, focus, and write the paper, bitch.
Tags: open letters
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