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Can you ever just be whelmed?

Monday, March 14th 2005 -- 2:13 pm
Matt's Room Diaries.

That's what I wanna know.

Rawr. Mass of confusion and paranoia and all that fucking bullshit. I have no real excuse. I really don't. Which is fan-bloody-tastic. Also, I don't have the internet...and my cell phone gets no reception. None of that really matters though.

Just chillin' in the SoDak. Got here yesterday, on no sleep whatsoever which made everything that much more interesting. I met some really interesting people. There was a Spanish-speaking couple in front of me lamenting the fact that on one in the north understands Spanish, so I started talking to them. Hah... it was good to use my Spanish again, but it reinforced the fact that even though I'm proficient by college standards, I still sound like a two year old when talking to fluent folk. Plus, it really made me long for Mexico. I have ODS, not even joking. C'mon, you just can't beat fresh guacamole, warm beautiful weather, and hospitality. It's such a different environment than the United States... and thank God for that. Though, I have to admit that I did go all "America the Beautiful" for a bit when we were driving through the wee little mountain-hill crossbreeds. Still, I think that's just a general appreciation for nature, and is completely unrelated to the government state. Back to the bus people, a massive black man gave me his number and let me listen to his copy of The Game by G-unit, which was surprisingly good. Still, I don't think I'm gonna be calling "Smallz", who was definitely anything but. I hate feeling so fragile next to 7 foot tall giants. Then again, I hate feeling fragile altogether. Still, someone that is more broken than I (albeit temporarily broken) sat next to me, which is something that doens't happen too often. He tore his foot off halfway while skateboarding... and had been on the bus since Thursday, and lost his pain meds on Friday. He had some bad luck too. For example, on the previous bus the fire extinguisher had fallen onto his injured foot and exploded... not cool. I still want to blast someone with a fire extinguisher at some point in my life. I also got in a music discussion with another jazz fiend. He saw me reading Blues People by Amiri Baraka and instantly we dove into Chet Baker, Louis Armstrong, BB King, and a whole plethora of others. "You jazz fiends! Madmen, all!" Si.

God... we are so young. I woke up and that was one of the first things that popped into my head. We are so, so young. I just looked at Matt too, and besides the normal appreciation and mental connections that sight triggers, I just thought... so young. We're so young... so unsure. So terrified. Why? It doesn't make sense. We've got so much time, so much talent. Possibilities are endless. Perhaps we're both just lunatics. I just hate this contrast of emotions. Some days I feel that I could fix the world, and that success is garaunteed. Time is the only factor... and then some days I feel so weak, so vulnerable, and I doubt everything about myself - including my atomic make-up. I'm kind of in the latter state... just a lot of bizarre thoughts and questions floating about. However, I think we're going to the library so I don't want to keep the Matt waiting... so I'll write more about that later.


--5:20 pm--

Just got back from the library. Matt's "running errands". I'm listening to Damien Rice and thinking about doing a drawing. I need to purge some of these ridiculous emotions I've got going on. I'm really frightened, really insecure. I feel like a timid little rabbit. We're probably going to go into the city later, which will hopefully help distract me and draw me out of this bizarre shell. I wish I didn't feel the necessity to be this vibrant enigmatic being all the time. I don't always have to be interesting or entertaining, and I'm not. No one is, and if they are then they're just fucking contrived.

--8:16--

Don't you hate it when you call someone and they just piss and moan about a not-that-horrible situation, and do stupid bullshit that they know is self-distructive and/or counterproductive to amelioration? Ugh...the angst, it bleeds. In other news, I may have just had the best french dressing I've ever tasted...at an Air Force Base dining hall. 0_o Um, wtf? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining because that shit was tasty... but still. Also, while walking back to Matt's room the sky was gorgeous. The cascade of really deep royal blue down to a teal-ish blue and into orange with black clouds on the horizon. There was a sliver moon too, but you could see the entire outline and it was surrounded by a light peppering of stars - at least the ones that don't have to wait for complete nightfall to be seen. Still with the windy as a motherfucker, but y'know. There is a distinct lack of trees. I have the urge to plant one. Maybe that will give the giganta-bunnies something to mate under. ...I still want to scale a mountain.

Haha, I just had this really hilarious mental image of me cave-girling it up in a mountain somewhere. Toga stylee. Pardon me while I laugh at myself.

I did another drawing today, and I really like it. I'm looking forward to shading it in, even though it's going to be a bitch. It's all freehand which really surprises me, because it looks pretty realistic. I've been getting ideas for my still-life too, and I don't feel like vomiting when I think about it! Progress! Now all I have to do is draw the fucker. It's supposed to be in charcoal though, and I left my fixative in the room. Which is a bummer because I find myself really wanting to shade in the one I drew today, but I don't want to smear it... so it'll just have to wait. It really helped to draw that though. Helped me chill out the emotions. Ahhhh, I love a bit of catharsis in the evening. I think I want to draw the Skeleton Puppets again, except this time I'll take them one at a time and shade them. Maybe I should wait until I can access the 18x24 paper back home, then I won't have to do them individually... I don't know. I've been thinking about death again. *scolds self*

I can never be sure that I'm not dying. Last night my blood sugar or something went ape-shit, but that was probably because I was overtired. Asthma kicked in too, but that was from running in the cold. Cold air is hard enough on the lungs without me frolicking and sprinting through raging snowfall (It was beautiful though, I really enjoy snow. I'd like it a lot better if it wasn't cold, and if it would only come on the grounds that it needs my permission to come and will leave whenever I see fit. I'll have to make an appointment with Mother Nature and see if this is something we can work out.). Still, I couldn't tell what it was. It was probably a combination of the overtired, and lack of proper nutrients and whatnot but seriously, what the hell? I don't even understand how my body functions...or anyone's for that matter but mine seems so intent on destroying itself. Maybe it's just clumsy and I'm just bitter. Itunes is being a whore. That's making me bitter. But seriously, I wish I had at dummy lights or something on my arm that would flash up when something is amiss. Like, if my blood sugar is low a little light in my forearm can turn on, like the low gas light in a car. Matt said that I was shaking at dinner, and I didn't even notice it. Why don't we just add epilepsy to the list, eh? Along with Malaria, Cholera, Dyptheria, Tuberculosis, Measles, and SARS. Bring it on. I just don't want to pass out anymore and then have to strain and guess at what the fuck is wrong with me. It's fucking dangerous, I could hit my head, break my neck, or be wrong in my self-diagnosis. And then what?

The atomic make-up question is coming back. How the fuck? Seriously. How complex is this shit anyway? Breathing for fuck's sake. Eating. Digesting. All this shit I never even think about but my body, which is just thousands of processes within me that I have absolutely no control over, just keeps running. Running on a timer. And my consciousness is just along for the ride, wondering and fearing the breakdown and the give out. Organs, muscles, bones - but not. No, they're molecules, they're atoms... but condensed. Condensed and functioning autonomously. How? And what then is consciousness? It has no material weight, it's intangible. Yet it exists. How? Why? And who the fuck cares? I dont understand this bullshit.

I've gone and irritated myself. This happens all the time. I ask myself all of these stupid questions that I won't ever even have a hope of answering. I'm never going to look this shit up. Even if I did it wouldn't make sense. I don't understand how electricity and the swapping of electrons around charged nuclei could possibly work with an infinite number of the same and create a solid object like a desk. Especially since they're always moving, so solids technically don't exist... and what entity really does exist anyway? And then there are feelings, chemicals in the brain, emotions and the physical responses. Pounding hearts, tears, laughter. Sight too, how the fuck? No one sees anything the same way... are we even really seeing? Or is it just the twisted interaction of rogue electrons? Take that one to bed tonight. "Am I being manipulated by electrons? Am I a slave to something I can't even see?" The answer to at least the latter is most definitely yes. If those electrons go bye-bye we're all fucked. Why is life so fucking... fuck?

Anyway, Matt's back so I'll say "fuck off" to this rambling nonsense.


--9:27--

Fuck off.

Tuesday, March 16, 2005 --3:05 p.m.

Sheer madness, I tell you. The past few days have just been madness. Thoroughly enjoyable madness, but that still doesn't change the fact that it's all complete and total lunacy. It's been a weird roller-coaster for me, too. Probably for him too, actually. The entire bus ride I was in a haze of disbelief, excitement, and optimism. At random points I still won't be able to full grasp the fact that I'm here, or that I willingly came here of my own volition on the wings of a unpredictable whim. It's just so surreal but it's not like a religious epiphany or anything, not that I was expecting it to be. My insatiable curiosity concerning this place has been tamed. Still, my mind never ceases to amaze me with it's ability to replace one satisfied question with sixteen others.

The back of my head really hurts. It's been hurting for a couple of days on and off. I wonder if I hit it on something?

Anyway, I had no idea what to expect in coming here and I'm really trying to keep myself open and nonchalent. I fucked that up last night though for a bit. My heart went apeshit and it hurt. so. bad. I called home to try to figure out what the hell would make it do that, and my father reckons it was just the use of my inhaler, which I haven't had to use much recently. As it's a steroid, blah blah blah. It's been known to cause "palpitations" in the past, so who knows? Maybe it was just coming back down out of my throat from when I got to the bus stop and didn't see Matt... yeah. I panicked breifly, but only on the inside. The kid that was driving (LaBlanc?) is hilarious. Good sense of humour. People need more humour in their lives, in large and frequent doses.

Matt's running errands... he wanted to wake up at 8 to attend to them but we didn't get to sleep until around 6:30 a.m., maybe? Woke up at around 1:30 I think we retired at midnight...or a little after. Lots of talking, lots of tickling and flailing, music appreciation, etc. We watched Finding Neverland last night. I absolutely adore that movie. On all fronts, even. I mean c'mon, Johnny Depp hangs a spoon from his nose.

Matt keeps saying that he knows I'm not telling him things. I suppose he's right, but how do you tell someone that you want them to kiss you and not sound like a jackass? Don't get me wrong, if I find a way to verbalize my sentiments in an intelligent fashion, I'll go for it. Still, when I get all pensive-like it's just the same stupid things, letting the thoughts mill about in my head. Yesterday he talked on the phone with Hannah for like... 3 hours maybe and was really worried that I was upset with him. That was during the heart freak-out, so it was just way bad timing and too much drama. I wasn't upset with him, I was really scared though - to the point of tears. Still, he managed to cheer me right up by making a comment about the first time he saw the giganta-bunnies. Hah, grin.

I wish I wasn't so oriented around validation through physicality. 0_o I guess it can't really be helped... Shelby is just a ball of affection. Still, this sleeping together thing is heaven on earth. Still, I'm so ridiculously tempted. It makes me wonder if he is, and if so - why doesn't he try to initiate something? Maybe he's just as terrified as I am. Maybe he's just not interested in me and never has been, but I don't like that possibility. I'm chosing to ignore it. I haven't even tried to properly seduce him...I could? I just really don't want to fuck anything up. The kid is my best friend... I just don't like holding back. I want to grasp every opportunity available and know that I've lived everything I could.


--9:55 p.m --

How can normal things be transformed and become magical? I don't understand it, but I do enjoy it. We went into the city today; went to the mall and got a cd and some bubble bath stuff, went to Borders and I about exploded with laughter when I saw the Be Cool soundtrack ends their cd with The Rock performing "You Aren't Woman Enough to Take My Man from Me". Aha. Afterwards we went downtown, to the library, walked down part of mainstreet and it's so... quaint? Everything closed at 5/5:30. 0_o Also, there is a severe over-abundance of bridal stores. If I remember correctly there were three on one block. It's really ancient looking though, in regards to the architecture. It's definitely not what I was expecting from a "downtown". I kinda felt like I was back home in Cambridge for a second, but it was fleeting.

Anyway, we went to dinner and I had a marvelous burrito. It was huge though, and it took them about 3.5 seconds to make it, which freaks me out a little bit. Still, very pleasant. Afterward we went on a drive up one of the wee mountills or whateverthehell. I have never been on such a ridiculously curvy road in all of my life... and I didn't really understand why we were going, but I didn't really care. I was really content to just stare out the window and enjoy the death defying turns we were making when suddenly Matt just says "well look at that." and there's this expanse of city on both sides of us, hundreds of feet below. Just thousands of twinkling lights. So strangely captivating. It made me think of the Story of the Year song, Anthem of Our Dying Day. Afterward we got directions to "Dinosaur Park" which is the most brilliant thing, I can't stop laughing to myself about it. Literally just these massive plaster dinosaurs on a hill. I saw the brontosaurus when I was picked up from the bus station, and thought it rather amusing. Well, we went there and despite it being really chilly, it was still fun. Looking at the plaques & etc. Plus, massive plaster dinosaurs. Does it get cooler? ... yes but shhh.

Umm...bubble bath for two, anyone?


Wednesday, March 16, 2005. --5:15 p.m.-

Alright, so the bubble bath didn't happen last night. Still, we picked out the bubble bath stuff yesterday so I'm thinkin' it probably will happen. What we did do was watch Fantastic Planet, which is this animated movie from the 70's that I really couldn't get hyper-involved in. After that we just kind of crashed for 17 hours omg. Literally, went to sleep at midnight, woke up at five. 'Twas very snuggly though, which makes it time well spent in my book.

I kept having these explicitly detailed sex dreams though... Makes me nervous because I don't know what my body is prone to do when I'm dreaming of such things. I've been known to talk in my sleep on occassion, and I really hope I didn't do or say anything crass. Granted, if I was conscious and there was reciprocation - hey, I'm down. It's odd, because I never thought I, of all people, would be shy but I am around this one. I don't wanna fuck it up, and while I'm comfortable and contented I'm not always confident. I feel like I need to be in better control of my sexuality, which is ridiculous. For one thing, I'm fidelitous to the max and I only initiated something once so far. The tension is just there (and driving me slightly crazy). Can't help wondering why he hasn't started anything though... though I might just need to brush up on my subtlty, I might be missing hints. It wouldn't be the first time. Or I could, y'know, ask... but I'm too chicken shit for that.

For awhile when we were sleeping though - well I had woken up obviously, I was looking at our hands which were lying on top of one another (mine-his), and mine just seemed dwarfed. Which reminded me of the previous eve when he was playing with my pinky finger and asked what it was because it was so small. Hah, he laughed and told me my hands were about as big as his little sister's, which is probably true. So, my pinky is "funny" but "cute". Last night it was beautiful though because of the proportion was almost exactly a half or some other symmetrical measure of kind, it was just very aesthetically pleasing. Where's a camera when you need it?

Also, I really hope that I don't do it, but I really enjoy that he snores. It's not loud, it's not obnoxious, it's just a peaceful, soft rattle that massages me when he breathes. Hah. It's adorable. =x

Shower time.


--10:30--

Matt is flailing around on his bed, while on the phone with Schaynna, screaming "omg you're gonna get married!" Actually, he's just repeating "Oh My God" and asking if her beau is dreamy. It amuses me but also makes me wanna punch him a little bit. Just for good measure.

Piano playing this evening... and I was a little pessimistic prior but that was quickly changed. He just gave me a devilish little grin, and I think I might have blushed. Oh God. Then we came back and had dinner, and have been listening to music and harassing various people on the phone since. We're going to try to "go to bed early" so we can wake up, go to the grocery store, and cook tomorrow. However, I would like to iterate that we did go to bed early last night, and we slept for 17 hours. We're gonna go watch Phantom of the Opera tomorrow though. *stoked* What is it with us and that? He doesn't really want to go, but I'm convinced that he's just acting recalcitrant for the sake of being an ass which is par for the course for both of us.

Note to Self: Get your mits on some Pedro the Lion.
Note to Self: Go buy fixative tomorrow.

Matt just stabbed himself in the crotch with a knife. Granted he's wearing really baggy khakis, but still...he stabbed himself in the crotch. And is continuing to do so, even after he punctured the fabric. Oh dear...


Thursday, March 17th, 2005. --3:51--

Hm. I'm a bit overwhelmed. A lot of confusion, to say the very least.

I almost died last night. Evidently I stopped breathing, even when unconscious; which is abnormal when I'm just having an asthma/panic/whateverthehell attack. Normally it loosens up and I can breathe... not last night though. It was terrifying. I fell trying to get my inhaler and it was like someone had dumped ink into my eyes. I couldn't see anything, I was really convinced that it was over.

Well, Matt and I had a very in depth conversation last night and I can't figure out how to take it. It feels like a "fuck off" but that's illogical. Apparently he's hung up on "someone else". I think he's just afraid to come out and say that he never wanted me in the first place, and that I should grasp that concept and move on. Then again, that could also be me being overly bitter because he follows up "you should keep yourself open to other options, try to find other people" with "but I dont know what I want." And then leaves a shred of possibility. Seriously though, I don't want to just be a security blanket. Still, I'm really disheartened because I doubt that I'll find someone that I find myself so compatible with. Honestly, how many bibliophile, vocabulary buff, pianists are there out there who appreciate our kind of music? I don't know. At the moment I'm a little too numb to care.

Our conversation went well though, and even though I'm hurt I'm not going to excommunicate him from my life. In fact, it felt really good to just get this shit out of the way and not guess anymore. Still, I wish I could change the tides but it's not like I can't cope. Who ever really knows though? We're way too young for this fucking shit. Planning out my life at 20? No, fuck that. I kinda want to talk to him again, just because of some inconsistencies that I want explained... but I don't know if I will. Right now I'm just trying to focus on going to see Phantom again, which I'm really looking forward to.

In other news, I miss Faith terribly. I feel really vulnerable out here, really alienated. Though I'm pretty sure that's only temporary and a direct result of my mind milling over last night's conversation and my apprehension and sheer terror due to the almost abrupt cessation of my being. I need to call my parents and get a referrall to Boynton... or at least a good neurologist. This pain in the back of my head still hasn't gone away... and it's in the same spot repeatedly so it should probably get checked out. Also, I need to figure out why my lungs have been spazzing so much. Maybe Sandy is right and I have TB. Wouldn't that be rich?


Afterthoughts

Alright, so I totally stopped updating. Still, a wholly fantastic time. Candlelight bubble bath, cooking chaos and huge water-fights. Playing pool & piano, running and tackling. Snuggling and talking. Paying respects to Hunter... oddly enough I found myself not wanting to come back, although the Air Force is definitely not cozy! I don't blame Matt for desperately wanting and trying to escape. He told me he didn't want me to leave, which made me feel a lot better about the entire trip. For awhile I felt like I was invading his space, but that's just female paranoia apparently. I miss the kid already... but hopefully I'll be talking to him again tonight. I don't want to have the housing discussion... but I am going to force myself to at least beat around the bush. I'm not ready to pulverize said bush yet, but the ground around it will be quite trampled. I promise.

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