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So ... I've snapped.

I could not focus on Blues People. I have 30 pages left and a 2-3 page paper to write on it, as well as a rap. John Conman is coming over tomorrow around 1. I am having serious social anxiety problems because of all the freaks on the bus. Plus the bus was late and my parents kept fucking calling and trying to interrogate me. Also, I didn't sleep last night so I'm really out of it and hypersensitive to everything.

Now I've started crying and can't stop. Good. This is fan-fucking-tastic.


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 21st, 2005 07:00 am (UTC)
*pets you with head massage*

So, here's the plan: I'ma have a good dream tonight wherein life is good, involving you and me and the wifelet and probably chocolate and etc., and then will set about finding that Dream Pensieve we talked about earlier. Yis. *nods*

...or I could just fall back on the old reliable of making shit up. Either way. Prepare for tigs. *tigtogs you with smooches*

Goodnight and welcome back, Shelby.
Mar. 21st, 2005 08:24 am (UTC)
It isn't exactly what I promised, but it's here and it's yours. Love you.
Some of the greatest bards ever to exist on this earth have been dogs, you know. The canine world has been known to boast of its poems, it's songs, and even occasionally its haikus. But above all, dogs pride themselves on their capabilities as musicians. Humans may not be able to hear the tones and pitches of the canine melodies, but they can see the evidence of it. You see, dogs don't really need all these handcrafted and high-falutin' instruments like the saxophone and the flute to create brilliant tunes. All they need is a little patch of grass. A gifted specimen can coax flutterbys into landing on his nose and bumblebees not to sting, with a few swipes of tongue against certain edges and angles of the green tufts. (They are certainly not actually eating the grass, but really, humans will believe anything when faced with that enthusiastic, clown-faced look, won't they?) But before Him, there had never been a puppy prodigy musician before.

The Sheepdog lumbered around the shrubs, leaving a path in the shape of a figure eight, trying to wrap his head around the idea that the Pupster could actually have produced such harmonies on such a windy day, when it forced even the Great Dane to stick to simpler chords and progressions. The facts were undeniable, but nevertheless, the Sheepdog had quite a large head when all of his furs were accounted for, and it took him seven full minutes of lumbering to manage all of it to wrap all of it around said facts. But once this formidable task had been accomplished, the wind was quite forgotten as his quivers of excitement took hold over his bulky frame, and the Pupster chased off a flutterby with his exuberant yelping.

By the time the Pupster had ceased to be a puppy prodigy, and was simply a Prodigy, the Sheepdog and the Great Dane had both taught them everything they knew. And for a time, the Prodigy had exceeded both of their wildest dreams. And then something happened. It wasn't anything strange or remarkable, but no one had remembered that its effects might not lend itself to the Prodigy's musicianship. The Prodigy became a fully grown dog. And as such, his tongue had become much larger and thicker then it had been when the Prodigy had been such a gifted pupster, learning how to ply the grasses. It became harder and harder for the Prodigy to find the right angles, and the growing heaviness of his tongue made most of his favorite songs too much of a workout for him to perform them with his earlier delicacy and precision. Most canine musicians never go through this, but then again, most canine musicians learn the art after their tongues have achieved their full weight and girth. And that is why there had never before been a puppy prodigy musician.

Without his melodies, the Prodigy became despondent. There were no longer a constant supply of flutterbys to watch, or chase, or keep company with, and once he even got a beesting on his shiny black nose. He would simply lie down and become oblivious to the world for hours at a time, attempting to recreate the feeling of being a great musician in his head, attempting to remember exactly how the songs sounded when he was the one performing them. But it would not do, and his actual attempts to master this new adult tongue went worse then ever in his frustration. Once he got into such a state that he flattened three square feet of grass in his frantic efforts to be the Prodigy again. That was the day he decided he must find something sturdier to coax the tunes out of.

In the succeeding week he tested treebark, various varieties of flowers, and even a collection of twigs. But not only were the sounds nothing near what he was after, they scraped his tongue raw. But he was determined not to give up, so he set about searching for something new to try which wouldn't bite into his tongue.

Mar. 21st, 2005 08:24 am (UTC)
Re: It isn't exactly what I promised, but it's here and it's yours. Love you.
3.4 weeks later, he found it. It had seemed like a long shot when he first thought of it, but he wasn't about to dismiss it without giving it a go. And, to his amazement, it worked. The angles weren't quite the same, and the edges tended to be horizontal rather then vertical, but they worked. So the Prodigy set about perfecting the art of playing music upon human fingers. Some were too fleshy, some were too callused to manage the more refined chords, and some were simply too uncooperate for anything more difficult then "Fish Bones" (the canine equivalent of "Chopsticks"), but there were many more that worked splendidly. Splendidly enough for both the Sheepdog and the Great Dane to approve of the Prodigy's unorthodox new methods. Splendidly enough for the Prodigy to feel like himself again.

But it was only after he had sought out the perfect set of fingers for his songs that the Prodigy felt pure joy again. Only after he'd claimed them, and the human who went with it. Only after he'd found Shelby.
Mar. 22nd, 2005 04:10 am (UTC)
Re: It isn't exactly what I promised, but it's here and it's yours. Love you.
This almost made me cry. Thank you so much.

*hugs like whoa*

I love you, Whitney. `MUAH

*gives you a big puppy slobber lick on your WHOLE FACE*
Mar. 21st, 2005 11:46 am (UTC)
*drops cutlery*




Haha one day, man... one day I'll remember the capslock button and not hold down shift for and entire post of caps.

Seriously though I hope you feel better soon, feel better. Send me a lock of your hair so I can make a voodoo doll of you and lick it's crotch randomly hahahaah how fucked up would that be

- cal
Mar. 21st, 2005 05:12 pm (UTC)
Hah.... that would be very fucked up and difficult to explain...

I thank you though. *hug*
Sorry I wasn't on last night. I just crashed and tried to sleep it off which worked kinda.
Mar. 22nd, 2005 10:52 am (UTC)
That's the genius of it! It'd be awesome if I just KNEW when the LEAST appropriate time to do it would be, too. Funeral? Cab lift? Lecture? DENTIST?

That's it. One of us is going to have to write a story about it.

That's totally cool man, I'm around alllllll the time, say hello when you feel like saying hello. Or alternatively you could say any of the other wonderful words that can be found in the english language. Lately I'm particularly fond of the word "bees"

You can say bees whenever you want! It's great.

I like bees.

- cal
Mar. 22nd, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)
Ahaha... I love you like whoa. ♥ ♥ ♥

I think you should definitely write a story about it. I would probably weep with laughter.

Also, MAD LOVE @ the English Language.

Also... BEES!

I really like planes. o_0
Mar. 23rd, 2005 01:31 pm (UTC)
Haha butg if you were to make a criotch licker voodoo doll you'd need downstairs hair ewwwww not head hair. I think?
I'm not really up with voodoo to be honest. Sorry!

I love you for writing definitely instead of definately.
Amongst other reasons :)

OMG bee eating! I hear they're a dangeous aphrodisiac though

- cal
Mar. 23rd, 2005 07:25 pm (UTC)
Wot if I don't have "downstairs hair"? *sauciest of all saucy winks*

OMG I hate it when people write definately. The stem is definite! *snarl* Thank you for noticing my valient efforts to save the English language. ♥

... I wouldn't eat bees regardless.
Mar. 24th, 2005 10:08 am (UTC)
You have no idea how hot that is. Damn!

Yeah no worries man, I notice these things ;-)

I'm gonna run off with my bee catcher now to find some to mail to you. The bee catching trap is marvellous in it's simplicity yet I still don't have the time to explain it now. Haha wtf

- cal
Mar. 24th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)
Tales from the Past
I have a few funny bee stories.

Numero Uno - My Dad was walking around in our backyard and he stepped on a yellowjacket hornet nest, and he got stung a few times. So he went into the shed and made a molitov cocktail, lit it, and threw it at the nest. Problem: it didn't break. So there's this cloud, I mean black cloud of buzzing DOOM, building above this bottle. And my Dad starts cursing and whipping rocks at the thing, and it's very tense all of a sudden. Then, the bottle breaks and a 6 foot ball of flame erupts and the aforementioned doom cloud falls to the ground. All of their wings and stingers had been burned off... my Dad then put on a really manly "Hah!" attitude and was strutting around for the rest of the day.

Numero Dos - I was having a large bonfire at my house (20 people or so) and we were throwing more and more wood on the fire, because it's not a proper bonfire unless the flames are licking the branches of the trees. Anyway, in the middle of the woodpile some hornets had made their hive, and my friend Phil got stung a couple of times when he was lobbing wood on the flame. So he also goes in to the shed, and comes out with spraypaint and a lighter. He starts torching at the bees, which makes them extremely unhappy and after about 45 seconds he had about 26 beestings and we had to throw him in the lake in order to get them to stop hurting so much.

Alright! Story time is over!
Mar. 28th, 2005 08:39 am (UTC)
Re: Tales from the Past
Hahaha oh jesus i remember when i was a little tyke i stepped on a bee and it stung me and i cried coz i knerw it was going to die hahahah

- cal
Mar. 28th, 2005 08:02 pm (UTC)
Re: Tales from the Past
omg that is totally the sweetest thing I've ever heard I think I love you.
Mar. 21st, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
Pure comedy - If you did not get a chuckle out of this then I would think you're neural receptors for humors were numb. Hope things look up on the spiff side for sheezy.
Mar. 21st, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC)
Oh no doubt. Cal is a GENIUS!

I actually read it aloud to my roommate because such hilarity should not go unnoticed by the local populace.

Thank you though, I really appreciate it and totally love the fact that you said "for sheezy" because I'm actually sitting in the middle of my Poetry of Rap class. Hahahahaha. I might post my rap that I wrote on here, it's so pathetic it hurts.

Mar. 22nd, 2005 10:52 am (UTC)
Haha thanks man! :)

- cal
Mar. 21st, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
it's just a simple line, you can probably hear it all the time
hey girl,

i can't apologize for my behavior over the past few months, but i can offer an explanation...as vapid as that may appear. but feel better, cuz reading about you being miserable hurts me.

p.s. if it's any consolation, im wearing a marilyn manson shirt from hot topic....yeah, this is punishment enough, but it looks hot on me.

god i'm modest
Mar. 21st, 2005 08:43 pm (UTC)
Re: it's just a simple line, you can probably hear it all the time
Dude, I actually like a couple Manson songs. *guilty pleasure*

I drew a picture of youuuuu by the by. It's a silhouette drawing. It's from a picture I took of you in Pandy's. ;)

Mar. 21st, 2005 11:09 pm (UTC)
Re: it's just a simple line, you can probably hear it all the time

but one problem....the ass is too small
Mar. 22nd, 2005 04:17 am (UTC)
Re: it's just a simple line, you can probably hear it all the time
Nuh uh! It's HAWT.

Looks good enough to eat! (I mean uh...)

I should give you a double of the picture. I have tons of pics of us. They're sho keywt.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )

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