February 21st, 2005

free

Time for a heart to journal

This entry is probably long overdue. I've been too quiet, as was displayed by my massive omg-I've-been-crying-so-much-I-can't-cry-anymore episode earlier.

I had spent the week on an emotional roller coaster. Matt had asked for a telephonic sabbatical, and I just felt helpless. I want to help him and just fucking fix it... and it just irritates me to no end when I can't and have to acknowledge that fact. And no, I don't want to coddle him either because he's a very intelligent and capable young man who knows what's best for him and what he needs. Still, I missed him because he is my best friend. Plus, I wanted to know if he was still going to come this weekend, which fell through (which really sucks, especially with last night's happenings... we could have held each other and wept like small children mourning the loss of an essential father figure.)

Nothing altogether remarkable happened during the week, besides discovering that I'm completely broke. Which was de-fucking-lightful/. So the search for a job has begun. I "applied" at Espresso 22, and after scene rehearsal tomorrow I plan on trying to make some more rounds to all the coffee joints on campus. I might even try the post office in coffman. Still, I need to make some money for my trip to SoDak to visit the Matthew. I should see if I could score a ride there with Jared or something. That would chop expenses...I should probably find out when I get my tax return. I hate practicality. And money. Restrictions in general.

Yes, the dreaded grey font. Things in Fun-for-mentals of Performance have turned sour. Brandon is really not making my life any easier with the script by complaining about the way words sound. Also, Saturday night I got hit with some pretty hard news and my writing brain just shut down into total block. So, I decided to send out the script for their comments, and got none. I brought the script to the rehearsal today, and nothing got done. No practicing salsa dancing for me for obvious reasons... but Brandon and James were supposed to have choreographed their dance-off and write the script for their fight and send it to me for editing. Guess what I haven't recieved. Yeah.

It can only go downhill from here, folks. On a thoroughly depressing note, Grandma U has liver cancer. That was the aforementioned bad news. I'm hoping to make a stop by Judy & Jerry's house to hopefully see her when I come home... I'm so terrified it'll be the last time I can/will see her. It makes me feel so awful for not keeping in better contact. I take so much shit for granted, and it makes me feel like such a hypocritical bastard. The rug was further whipped out from underneath me earlier tonight too, when one of my idols committed suicide. Requiscat in Pace, Hunter. It's just so devastating...someone who seemed so clearly invisible, star-dazed, and brilliant just... I can't even describe how wrong it seems. The world needs people like him and now? Plus, I hate admitting it, but seeing people like him, and elliot smith, sylvia plath and the like take their own lives... it just really makes it seem like there's no hope. I know that's bullshit, even as I write it, I know it's bullshit. But I mean, he's the reason I got interested in journalism. It's just such a sucker punch...and I was already down.

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