March 8th, 2004


and after all...

... you're my wonderwallllll...

hey there.

Uh... yep.

So, I tried the whole telephone thing. I have a bone to pick about the new answering machine recording thing... i mean... does that thing ever beep? Yeah, your mom picked up after awhile of me waiting for the beep that never came... she didn't mind though, maybe she doesn't think i'm a harlot after all... ;)

Anyway, I really want to talk to your bitchass... dont really know why. just a general urge. A few curiosities i suppose... the urge to shoot the shit.... whatever.

Maybe I'm stupid or maybe I'm just normal. I guess it doesn't matter, its just what i want and that's the truth. Beat that one, hah! Rambling... "I'm running after time and I miss the sunshine. Summer Days will come Happiness will be mine... Lost in my words I dont know where I'm going... I do the best I can not to worry about things." Good song... it's on that CD... I dont know if you listened to it, I wanted to ask you about it. I must've forgot earlier, having too much fun with the charlize theron bashery...

Give me a call when you get home, ok? I dont care when...

I really wish I could see you before you leave, especially since I fucked last time up so badly. I think you know I don't hate you though. Hah, that thought is actually really absurd. Bizarre even. OMC style. I know I'll see you, hopefully sooner than later, due to the fact that I'm holding several of your possessions hostage. ;) 2 visors, about 4 books, a necklace, a hoodie... a bit of your heart perhaps?

Honestly, if calling isn't an option for some please reply to this. I want to know what you're thinking. Mostly I guess I really just want you to know that as you say you'll be there for me, I'll be here for you too. Remember that I love you, and Shane does too. That night, at my house, you made me promise that I wouldnt go anywhere, and... I'm still keeping it, and it will always be in effect for as long as you want it to. I'll miss you, but that goes without saying, but will always be there.

I love you,

... just sent it.
  • Current Music
    Here's to the Night - Eve 6 | Save Tonight - E.E.C

no z's on this cloud, baby...

So I can't sleep... I've been talking to matt.... he called me at around 3 after we'd been talking online for a long time about movies... he's gone idle again but every time we start talking he greets me with a large happy face, beaming, rather. Last night he was quite enthusiastic on the phone as well... took down my address with great care. I think he is actually going to write to me. He wants me to call him at around 10 but I may do so a little earlier. Right now I'm just counting down until breakfast, all the mucus and medicine in my stomach are reacting quite negatively.
  • Current Music
    Hairdryer in the next room... woo hoo

(no subject)

"well, I guess I just want to know how you feel."

"about what?

"about leaving, about me... i dont know. just how you feel."

"well, basically just.... sad."

"Yeah.. I hear you on that one ... and what about me? I mean, I dont think this is the last, I think we'll run into each other again."

"Yeah, me too... definitely."

"Do you love me? Out of curiosity..."

"Yeah, yeah I do. I really do."

"Cool, I love you too kid."
  • Current Music
    Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie

The winter I warrant is cursed...

I can't help but keep thinking how perfect it is that it keeps snowing. Big, thick, wet, heavy chunks of frozen water cascading to the ground... It's so fitting that today, the day Matt - my summer - left, it's cold and gloomy. I act like I'm ok, I've been choking down the tears really well but it's getting harder. I miss him so much already that I dont know what I'm going to do with myself in a week. No contact whatsoever for at least two weeks.

I've been crying and wimpering alone all day. I can't hold it in, I feel so vulnerable and alone. I know it's rediculous and that the distance is meaningless, emotionally we're still as close, if not closer, than before but my heart is still breaking. So much is uncertain and I feel like I'm being torn away from my best friend... and I know I'll see him again but for some reason I just can't feel hope right now. I'm so fucking sick of acting like everything is ok. I wanted to be strong for him so he would feel better about leaving and now that he's gone I have no strength left. I feel like I'm about to crumble. I do the things that I do only to keep myself from screaming and to keep people from suspecting. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up, or even how much longer I'll even care enough to try.

Oh, and other things on the list of what has gone terribly wrong today...
1. Didn't sleep at all last night.
2. Really feeling quite ill.
3. Forgot my materials for class.
4. I feel like I'm bringing Annie down with me.
5. I have to mend this Hanna and Shane conflict.
6. I have to mend the Matt and Shane conflict.
7. Kayla is in the psyche ward for attempting suicide.
  • Current Music
    Jumper - Third Eye Blind