i'm feeling sick again. i hope its just the msg. We went out for chinese food again. i should stop doing that. it probably isnt good for me. neither is thinking. thinking should stop. I'm done with finals, i passed them all i got a 99 on my god forsaken college english! why cant the thoughts stop?? couple things bothering me. i feel so ... ugly. . undesirable . sigh .
5 days and it will be exactly one month since ian & i have been apart. i dont even know how i feel anymore. i want him back but in the same token i dont. I want him back on very strict conditions. and i dont think he even wants to talk to me. i'd like to be friends at least. then i'd have someone to talk too...
I dont know. i dont feel worth anything. and in the same token i dont feel. i've been acting so happy, and i've been at least remotely amused at times, but someone can say something to me and its like it doesnt even affect me. i feel dead. well no, because if i was i'd be happy and i'm the farthest from that right now. i just feel like crying . . .
it's all i do anymore.
WHY? WHY? WHY?
why am i so fucking stupid and keep liking guys i'll either never be able to keep or never be able to get in the first place? GOD! it's not like he even actually cares. I mean sure . . .
he's nice . he's funny . he's smart . he's talented .
And then there's me.
i'm not always nice. the only way i'm funny is in the way i look. i'm smart, but brains wont get you a date. Talented? maybe. Me. the dork. me the band nerd. me the book worm. me the manic depressant. Ugly little pathetic me. Why the hell, out of all the friends he has should i even think that i have a chance? i dont. and that is the bottom line. So many girls like him. Girls he actually knows. He doesnt even talk to me unless i talk to him first. why do i keep wasting my time? why does it hurt so much to be me?