December 19th, 2001


fucking forked road

yeah i'm home again. torn between two options that have me going insane. also trying to amuse myself by attempting new html stuff.

dont know if it will work or not. if not then i guess i'll have some interesting number blotches. dont really care.

i talked with ians dad again today for about a half an hour. He and i both wish we could get inside ians brain and see what he's thinking. I wonder if it's me he's seeing in his dreams, or if it's me he's wishing to have back. his dad says he's lost his teddy bear. *sniffle*

I feel very calm. Unearthly, so calm and so unhappy. I want to call him. Then again i dont. Dad tells me he's been really upset at everything and i dont want to call when he's angry and ruin everything. But i dont want to let this sit too long because i wont be able to tolerate it for much longer and i dont want him to just get over me because he thinks i dont love him anymore and he still loves me.

� i'm so confused. �
  • Current Music
    Angels Fall - Unknown

Jewel, you suck.

I go about my business, doing fine.
Besides, what would i say if i had you on the line?
Same old story, not much to say.
Hearts are broken every day.

Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And i was meant for you.

god dammit. this is so ... shitty. I worked ahead in math. I must be deranged. I took a shower which made me feel a little bit more refreshed. Still feel like shit on the inside though. but i'm squeaky clean! now i'm talking with mal about the massive stupidity that is the scary movie.

1.) Why are all the girls complete idiots?

2.) Why do they always run upstairs when being chased by a killer?

3.) Why do people go into dark rooms and not turn on the lights when the creepy music obviously indicates that "Yes" the killer is in there.

4.) Why do people walk into the forest and say "Is anyone there?"

5.) Why do they lock their doors after the killer calls and tells them to?

6.) Why does the killer always have a lame ass excuse to be killing people? ib>"Yeah I'm your long lost brother that you never knew about so now i'm going to kill you!"</i>

I mean jesus! they killers should just be killers because they are mentally disturbed psychopaths. Like Hannibal, then again he was just an overeducated guy with nothing to do. Who really uses the word "disemboweled"? ... and then follows it up with "okie dokie". Freakin loser.

blah. this is kind of amusing but it isnt lightening my mood. I dont know whether i should call ian or not. i want to. i wanna hear his voice and i want to hear him say he misses me and kiss the phone in an attempt to make up for what he's done. I know he's as miserable as i am, but he's also enraged at the world and at himself and i dont want to call him and make it worse by doing so. But i need this resolved . . . now. preferably.
  • Current Music
    Sweet Surrender | I love you - Sarah McLachlan

hope hath failed me.

I'm lost. I saw several things that gave me so much courage. Sum 41, and several songs after that that were all...come back to me... i fucked up i'm sorry i need you... i got it bad.... etc. I called up there, his sister picked up the phone....i faultered. Asked for his mom because i heard her walk in and stuff and asked her to ask him to talk to me and he didnt want to. This is so stupid but it crushed me. It's like he's dead, but its harder because he's still walking around. i feel like hell. and now they are advertising the chocolate orange that ian and i ate up there. I havent seen one of those commercials since....i was in canada. :( We hated it. It sucked. but we shared it. Now on my brothers movie i've only been vaguely paying attention to...she thinks her husband guy is dead....and he's not. And yes, things can get worse. Didnt think i'd be going below sea level but my mother wants to send me in to councelling. I just want to go to stand in front of ian and get this resolved. I'm beginning to doubt there will be a resolution.
  • Current Music
    Its Been Awhile - Staind