well i am back and about damn time too. I've been grounded. fun fun. thank you parents for making me insanely bored. No computer, No phone, No going anywhere, no CDs. So i had my radio. which proved very useful seeing as my dad, who is no longer a patron of music or the arts in any way shape or form, was complaining, after sum 41 played "fat lip" that i should turn down this crap because it was just screaming and banging on instruments. Seing as this is obviously a farse, i changed stations to my "anger station" which is basically, screaming guy beating and breaking guitar strings. Playing, SmElLs LiKe TeEn SpIrIt. o0o he flipped. it was funnay. i was almost re-grounded but my mom stopped him. wo0t. she's been getting sick of my blasting the radio when Clint Eastwood comes on. In case you dont know, that is the new song by the Gorillaz. very good song. anyway. i am so very glad i have my computer back.! now i can communicate with HUMANS! instead of these disgruntled miscreants that live in this house. the thing that has kept me alive is this. Nsync, with it doesnt matter the clothes he wears or where he goes and why, its all about respect. they should just quit beating around the bush and say, IT DOESNT MATTER THAT WE ARE GAY! RESPECT THE BI AND HOMOSEXUALS! which is exactly why its "dirty pop". and the fact that AJ from the backsmack boys is in rehab for alcoholism and depression. that is great. lmao. he just couldnt get anyone. even brian turned him down. must be hard.
constantly thinking about ian. waiting until noon. then shall call. he must be home. must be. has to be. actually no he doesnt. but please be there anyway. and have contacted home, so i can contact him. its hard to believe we have only been like officially going out for a month on friday. we havent talked in like 2 weeks. its depressing. i am so obsessed its SICK! and disturbing and wrong.! but it doesnt feel wrong i just feel codependent even though i know i can survive without communication and stuff like that it just isnt the road i would prefer. and what is the point of surviving if you have no purpose to survive for.? damn i miss him. ` sigh. BE HOME.! OR ELSE! ` rolls eyes at self
its been a long while, since this feeling re-emerged. I cant remember the last time i wanted to die. Now, sitting here with the tears pouring down my face and drenching my shirt and causing me to not breathe properly or see, death is what i want. please. i beg you make this all stop.! what did i do to deserve this.?!? nothing comes close to calming this tidal wave. god, why would u put me through all this agony. just kill me already.!!!! my own blood is soaking my shirt and down to my jeans. but it wont kill me. unfortunately enough. bloodstains on the carpet. damned if my parents even notice. probably yell at me to clean it up. breatheing hurts so much. why dont these people ever get what is coming to them.?!? am i but a rag doll? no i'm special, i'm a rag doll that bleeds when you stab her. i am a rag doll the bruises when you hit her. i just want to die.! god end this.! and the only person that actually gave a damn about isnt reachable. Everything i ever had to live for has been stripped from me. i just sit here in my corner, crying hysterically, demolishing yet another box of kleenex, making those horrible little dying sobs that coms from the athsma mixed with the anguish. i just want to die. damn those bastards that say family is there for you. fuck them all let them go to hell and see what i have been through and then let them talk. god i just need someone to talk to. i'm falling and i cant stop. its been so long since i've felt this way before. i just want to die god end this all. let me bleed out something i dont care just let me die.