Chris Rock:"If you can't get a star, wait!" x10000000
Me: Chris, as much as I love you, how long do I have "to wait" for you to stop repeating that sentence?!?
Chris Rock: "Passion of the Christ... Not that funny."
Yeah, I laughed at ya there, Chris. It made me think of the late Hunter S. Thompson though, in Kingdom of Fear.
"The Bible is unforgiving. There is not a scintilla of mercy or humor in the Holy Bible. None.
Think on it, Bubba. Point me to some laughs, or even a goddamn chuckle in that book." - pg. 18 *tear*
...Devout Catholics aren't that funny either. SOSERIOUSOMG. Except when they're on talk radio. Then they're funny.
Why is Chris Rock not funnier than this? He could be a lot funnier. Maybe he'll age, like a fine wine. ... and not make political jokes, no matter how good they may be or how well he can tie them into movies. Though, we'll let it slide this time, because hey - it was a good fuckin' joke.
RENEE! HELLOOO! EARTH TO RENEE ZELLWEGER! EAT SOMETHING! Seriously, you're going all Mary-Kate Olsen on us. The hell?
*Morgan Freeman! We love you Morgan Freeman!*
Now for an interesting juxtaposition of rolls.
Morgan Freeman went from playing God in Bruce Almighty, to punching "punks" in the face in Million Dollar Baby. Huh...
Unidentified Girl from our Floor: "I think everybody that was nominated is like...really talented." O_o ... what tipped you off? o_O
Robin Williams just used said "vibrant and alive". Are you talking about your shirt, Robin? Magenta. 'Nuff said.
Also, stop doing that Jack-Nicholson-portraying-Bugs-Bunny impression. PHEAROMG!
We ♥ you and your pinkness, Robin!!
after he walked the wrong way... faithlynn: "Somebody skipped rehearsal today!!"
Dear Incredible Man for Animation Voice or whatever the fuck... SAY "UM" ONE MORE TIME! I DARE YOU!!!...AND STUTTER AND BREATHE A LITTLE MORE ANXIETY-ATTACK-ISH PLZKTHNX!!!
"The multi-talented Drew Barrymore..."
faithlynn:She walks and she talks?
Me: And she gives head. *camera conveniently focuses on Adam Sandler* ... and Adam knows all about that.
During the Budweiser Horsey-Commercial.
When discussing censorship of the word "ass"
Miah: I think they're only allowed to say it a certain amount of times in a given timespan.
faithlynn: You're allowed a certain amount of ass per hour?
Me: *busts a gut*
During the Troy's clip of costuming...
Me: Men in skirts is never a bad idea.
Enter Tim Robbins... Hi, Tim! How's it going, Tim? You're looking really happy tonight!
...I think Orlando's collar is growing larger by the second. O_o
Scribbled down by faithlynn...
I'd like to welcome the very popular music group the very popular song, the Counting Crows.
Worst. Sentence. Ever. You know what? It's so bad I'm not even sure I transcribed it properly just now.
Ok, Colin Mochrie in a Tutu is just a slice of pure Joy.
faithlynn: Dude. Amping up the suspense is not necessary. It's the Oscars... and Adam Sandler is presenting.
Me: Adam also can't read. Before Sunset does not equal Before Sunrise, thanks. Also, Adam Sandler does not equal funny [especially when you're pretending Chris Rock is Catherine Zeta Jones and no one is enjoying your shit, so if you could have stopped that would have been greeaaattt.]
I Robot clip
Robot: "You are experiencing a car accident."
...really? Hadn't noticed. That's up there for worst lines. Yeahhhh...
... Soooo many good choices for Visual Effects. *consumptive sniffle*
Frank Pierson: "We are not forget"
Me: Ha! Yes! We are not forget and All Your Base ARe Belong to Us!!! Muuhuhahahahahha!!
Concerning Al Pacino(aka Drunkie McDrunkerson of Scarfaceland):
Me: "He's Rambling."
faithlynn: "He's reading the teleprompter. The teleprompter is rambling for him."
Miah: "He's just trying to stay upright."
OK BEYONCE, WTF?!? GO AWAY NOW, PLZKTHNX! AND TAKE YOUR HORRIBLE EYE MAKE-UP WITH YOU! BYEEEE!!! How did this happen? Why is this suddenly a Beyonce recital? Seriously... tell me.
"We can't do it again! Not without more pay and more chocolate!" RIGHT ON, SISTA!
Let's hear it for the Rotating Tower-o-Oscar!
It's the Oscars. You can't wear the same dress all night. That's ridiculous.
"This is the Dogs Bollocks." - Andrea Arnold Um, excuse me ma'am, but uh...WTF?!?!
Woah... Chris Rock just brought out two behemoths for no apparent reason.
After The Aviator started winning everything...and before the next award was even specified/announced...
Me: "Wait! Wait!Let me guess... The Aviator!!"
faithlynn: "Yep. Aviator. There's a plane."
faithlynn: *while flailing air-Oscar* "I'm taking this for my ART, damn you!!!"
Antonio is doing pelvic thrusts and thigh slaps. PERMANENTLY DISTRACTED NOW!
Nic: "Someone should tell him his singing voice is best when he's naked."
Natalie Portman: "...and I applaud them."
faithlynn: "No you don't. I'm watchin' you!"
... so petulant.
"I've been sitting in the bath tub since I was 8... it never stayed the same..."
faithlynn: ...and now your fingers are all pruney.
Me: Martin Scorsese is so wee!
faithlynn: Don't tell him that. He'll kill ya... WITH HIS GLASSES!
Me: Yeah. I was just getting the impression that he might magnify me to death. Y'know... get a beam of sun...
faithlynn: Or hit you over the head with 'em. Either would be sufficient.
Music is Film's handmaiden??? Sile..Bonda..Serva... I am unable. In the sense that I can't even.
Nic: Christopher Reeve? Dead?! What?
Nic: Oh yeah... that's right.
Otro latro, Prince? How do you get "TR" out of what is clearly a "D"?
Actress in a Leading Role:
*kills Hillary Skank*
*cacaphony of complete disapproval, dissent, and RAGE*
CUE THE MUSIC!
"No, don't do that."
AND THEY LISTENED?!? OMGWTF!
CUE THE MUSIC... AGAIN!!!
"Hi! My name is Hillary Skank and I'm going to scream over the music because I am a horrible horrible person with no sense of decency."
...Sean shoulda punched her. He's good at that. BAM! You're DONE!
"Don't breast feed an apple." Exactly, Chris. Thank you.
faithlynn: Gwyneth Paltrow. She's pretty. She's wearing an ugly dress. She named her dauther "Apple". Get her off the stage.
Charlie Kaufman WON! Yeah ETERNAL SUNSHINE!!! ♥♥♥♥♥
*gasp* OMGSHAFT! Samual L. Jackson totally just materialized out of the Rotating Tower-o-Oscar!
Johnny hash the Gonzo-Journalism-Neck-Tie-Pin-thing!!!! ♥ *tear*
HOW DO YOU CHOOSE?!?
Oprah just did the black power fist! Terrorist!!! Nazi! Alert the FBI!
The end went downhill fast...
*Kills Clint Too*
He thanked Geriatrics...oh. my. God.
Fuck Million Dollar Baby. Seriously. Fuck. It. Hard.
And now for something else!!
TALLIES! - let's compare!
Of/relating to people
Drunkies - II
Sleepers - I
Techies fleeing the stage - III
Of/relating to very very irritating things
Beyonce - III (OMGWTF WHYYYY?!?!)
Unexplained Noises (i.e. THUNK) - I
Tech Malfunctions - II
Of/relating to music
Songs in Foreighn Languages - II
Songs in English - III
THAT'S DIVERSITY! WOOO!
Songs sung by Beyonce - III
Songs not sung by Beyonce - II
HARK! That, my friends, is variety weeping.
ETA: Forgotten Highlight: The guy who was asleep until he was announced. That was brilliant.
ETA2: Forgotten Highlight #2: Jorge Drexler made the best acceptance speech ever. "HI! I am going to sing my own song! OK BYE BYE! I dont know any English! BYEEEEEEEE!!!"